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Useless from the Collar Down

0 Comments · Thursday, October 19, 2000
My back is neither broad nor strong. I have not worn a hard hat since Skylab stopped falling out of the sky. My hands are uncallused. I am not all thumbs, I am all thumb stumps. The major brand name  

In the Booth, Outside the Box

0 Comments · Thursday, October 12, 2000
Every four years, it happens like this: I step into the voting booth and there, on the presidential ballot, besides the deficient Democrat, the loathsome Republican -- or is it "loathsome Democrat"   

Unhealthy Skepticism

0 Comments · Thursday, October 5, 2000
It is my fifth day of pain. My fourth day of discharge. My third day of unwelcome discharge. My second day of painful, unwelcome discharge. The act of standing and walking to the bathroom now seems   

Here's Looking at Me, Kid

0 Comments · Thursday, September 28, 2000
Few would deny that you can tell a lot about a person by looking at him. Or her. Not the least of which is whether the person you're looking at is a him or a her. But beyond gender solutions, appea  

Some Days the Bar Eats You: Part Two

0 Comments · Thursday, September 21, 2000
It's 9:21, Friday night. The band is set to launch into the first song of their first set. Technically, they were supposed to start 21 minutes ago, but the clever bastards are taking full advantage   

'Bush-Gore? You're Soaking in It.'

0 Comments · Thursday, September 7, 2000
We all suspected it. But only Mother Jones had the resolve to prove it. And I, for one, am glad someone finally did. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, who haven't yet heard abo  

Fair. At Best.

0 Comments · Thursday, August 31, 2000
Take a quick flip through the listings in the back of this paper (not now, genius, after you're done here) and you'll see we're in the thick of fair and festival season. Yes, from mid-August through  

Evil in Tent

0 Comments · Thursday, August 24, 2000
I love road trips. Always have. But before setting out on America's blue highways, before I make my first wrong turn or erupt in my first episode of road rage, I have to decide: Camping or hotels? T  

A Series of Mild Strokes

0 Comments · Thursday, August 17, 2000
Greenback Harbor Country Club, 8:45 a.m.: I am not a golfer. Which is exactly why Clay, Trey and Dave asked me to shoot a round with them this morning. Today I will be playing the role of the buffoo  

Black-and-White Whine

0 Comments · Thursday, August 10, 2000
"Can I see your license?" I get that question a lot. Partly because it's the start of my favorite sexual role-playing game, Naughty Out-of-Season Bonefisher Happened Upon by Unmerciful Game Warden  

Too Hot to Think

0 Comments · Thursday, August 3, 2000
Each year, as the mercury spikes and America heads to the beach, something happens. Our collective zest for substantive, intellectual fiction and non-fiction temporarily subsides. We shelve our Ulys  

Party of None

0 Comments · Thursday, July 27, 2000
Two phrases cause my right eyelid to flutter uncontrollably whenever I hear them. The first: "I need to examine your prostate." (No less disturbing from medical professionals than it is from lay per  

Fall. In Love Again

0 Comments · Thursday, July 20, 2000
It's happening. I'm seeing promos for television's new fall season. And I'm loving it. This is a time of rebirth. Renewal. Resuscitation. This event is like a rite of spring, only without squirrel s  

Some Days the Bar Eats You (Part 1)

0 Comments · Friday, July 14, 2000
The sign outside is somewhat misleading. It reads Key Club. But this is not a "key club." At least not a key club like, say, the old Playboy Club. Here the word "key" refers to an island, like Key W  

It's a Disestablished Fact

0 Comments · Thursday, July 13, 2000
So, you're all excited about the big breakthrough in the mapping of the human genome, huh? Well, don't bother. Because the absolute answers science provides today will very likely be rescinded by sc