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Buried Feelings

0 Comments · Thursday, May 31, 2001
Hey, Dad. It's me. Bob. Guess I don't have to tell you that, though. You know, given the circumstances. I mean, after all, this visit, my talking to you here, is nothing more than an expedient. A de  

Seven Stray Days in May

0 Comments · Thursday, May 24, 2001
1. We sidle halfway into the row. It's the bottom of the first, two outs. No one's happy about the timing of our arrival. Understand-ably. After all, our passing blocks each person's view for 1.3 se  

Burning with Passion

0 Comments · Thursday, May 17, 2001
Burning with Passion It is Sunday. It is sunny. Warm. Today, I will grill the tender flesh of barnyard animals over a fiery bed of crimson coals. I state this not in celebration. Nor do I state it   

Salvador Dolly shot

0 Comments · Thursday, May 10, 2001
At the end of the driveway lies a long-ago fallen, decaying sycamore, home to a billion termites, not one of them bored with eating the same old thing. A split rail fence dating back to the Civil Wa  

Talking to myself, Part 2

0 Comments · Thursday, May 3, 2001
As recounted in this space last week, PPL Replications ­ a now defunct biotech firm ­ working with this reporter's robust, gladly given DNA, did, in September 2000, produce the first-ever   

Talking to Myself, Part 1

0 Comments · Thursday, April 26, 2001
On Jan. 1, 2000, bogus daybreak of the new millennium, scientists at PPL Replications, the world's leading genetic research laboratory, issued a press release stating their intention to clone a huma  

Card-Carrying Capitalist

0 Comments · Thursday, April 19, 2001
Dear Mr. Woodwiff, If you're like most people, you have dreams. Big dreams. Maybe you'd like to drive a car luxurious enough to compensate for your lack of a viable personality. Or enjoy an indulge  

No, Please, Eat Me

0 Comments · Thursday, April 12, 2001
Your dinner invitation for next Saturday evening is very generous and greatly appreciated, but I will be unable to join you and your other guests for one or more of the following reasons: A. I am a  

Choosing to Stop Choosing

0 Comments · Thursday, April 5, 2001
I freely admit I'm no genius. That fact has been firmly established, over time, by, among other things, educators, standardized tests, my steadfast faith in the predictions of television meteorolo  

Pictures at an Execution

0 Comments · Thursday, March 29, 2001
­ I'm ready to veg a little. ­ I hear ya. Me, too. TV? ­ Absolutely. (click) ­ Tonight at 9, it's the funniest Raymond yet as Ray bets Robert that he can stop emotionally batt  

Wealth Creationism

0 Comments · Thursday, March 22, 2001
For a handful of years, getting rich was easier than shooting fish on a screensaver. All you had to do was take a popular commodity ­ like books or toys or dog food or child pornography ­   

Disarmed to the Teeth

0 Comments · Thursday, March 15, 2001
CONFIDENTIAL MEMOTo: All local NRA chapters From: NRA National Headquarters Subject: School violence spic control Fellow gun enthusiasts, The latest spate of school shootings is, of course, a s  

Entertainment Weakly

0 Comments · Thursday, March 8, 2001
Every autumn, as predictably as pine needles not falling from the trees, the television networks debut their new programs. Almost simultaneously, as predictably as the average American ass advancing  

Wrestling with Obscurity

0 Comments · Thursday, March 1, 2001
I didn't expect any gratitude from The Rock, so I could hardly be disappointed. Still, it was a bitter pill when in The Rock Says ..., his best-selling autobiography, the WWF's Big Man on Canvas m  

Sad Story. Sadder Tale

0 Comments · Thursday, February 22, 2001
This, as I understand it, is what happened: In early January, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency arrested John and Jane Doe (not their real aliases) of San Francisco, Calif. They were charged with man