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Salvador Dolly Shot

0 Comments · Thursday, September 13, 2001
At the end of the driveway lies a long-ago fallen, decaying sycamore, home to a billion termites, not one of them bored with eating the same old thing. A split rail fence dating back to the Civil Wa  

Burning With Passion

0 Comments · Thursday, September 6, 2001
It is Sunday. It is sunny. Warm. Today, I will grill the tender flesh of barnyard animals over a fiery bed of crimson coals. I state this not in celebration. Nor do I state it in shame. I state this  

Card Carrying Capitalist

0 Comments · Thursday, August 30, 2001
Dear Mr. Woodwiff, If you're like most people, you have dreams. Big dreams. Maybe you'd like to drive a car luxurious enough to compensate for your lack of a viable personality. Or enjoy an indulg  

No, Please, Eat Me

0 Comments · Thursday, August 23, 2001
Expectant hosts, Your dinner invitation for next Saturday evening is very generous and greatly appreciated, but I will be unable to join you and your other guests for one or more of the following r  

Fair. At Best.

0 Comments · Thursday, August 16, 2001
Take a quick flip through the listings in the back of this paper (not now, genius, after you're done here) and you'll see we're in the thick of fair and festival season. Yes, from mid-August through  

Industrial Head

0 Comments · Thursday, August 9, 2001
When I hear a reference to "The Oil Industry," I think Exxon, Mobil, Shell and BP. If a news story mentions "The Automotive Industry," GM, Ford, Mercedes, Honda, et al instantly come to mind. Even f  

Serious Happiness

0 Comments · Thursday, August 2, 2001
Happiness. You can find it anywhere. You might find it nowhere. Men commonly believe it can be found in a woman's underwear. Women, on the other hand, seek their happiness at a deeper, more intrinsi  

Smart with Pain

0 Comments · Thursday, July 26, 2001
This section is designed to test your reading comprehension. Completely read the paragraphs below. When finished, answer the questions that follow. Or, for those of you whose massive student brains   

Holy Roller Coaster

0 Comments · Thursday, July 19, 2001
My instinct was to say no. In fact, I did say no. But I said it wrong, tried to be too diplomatic. What I told him on the phone was this: "I don't know if I'm the right person to go with you to Dol  

World of Hurt

0 Comments · Thursday, July 12, 2001
You've no doubt heard by now that Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic will soon stand trial before the United Nation War Crimes Tribunal. The charge? Crimes against humanity. (A lesser charge of DU  

Electile Dysfunction

0 Comments · Thursday, July 5, 2001
Almost exactly a week ago, local Republicans surprised the public, the pundits and their political competition by announcing that revered longtime -- and, since 1996, deceased -- television anchorma  

Minor (Under 18) Damage

0 Comments · Thursday, June 28, 2001
I'm not entirely comfortable around kids. I'm even less comfortable around education. "Then why in the world," a reasonable person might ask, "would you volunteer to be a mentor?" "Well," I'd info  

Geek Noir, Part 2

0 Comments · Thursday, June 21, 2001
Last week: A mysterious woman, claiming to be desperate for help, surprised PI(IS) -- Private Investigator (Internet Specialist) -- Spam Spade with a late night visit to his office cubicle. She sto  

Geek Noir, Part 1

0 Comments · Thursday, June 14, 2001
It was late. Seriously late. A pitch-black time of night better suited to vampires and vampire slayers, owls and owl slayers. But there I was. Still at it. Burning the midnight kilowatt-hours. Don't  

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SOP FAQs

0 Comments · Thursday, June 7, 2001
PleasantriesHow are you? I'm fine as the pinfeather fluff around a chicken's anus. What's new? In terms of the universe, our sun. In terms of the planet, man. In terms of the Midwest, hot pants.