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Worst Week Ever!
 

Worst Week Ever!: John Kasich 2011

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The year 2011 will always be remembered as the year Ohio met John Kasich. Here's a collection of Worst Week Ever! news briefs documenting the governor's tumultuous first year in office.
  

Dec. 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s angry hand.  

Dec. 7-13: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 14, 2011
In the Clifton redevelopment stategy, National retailers Great Clips, Firehouse Subs and Dibella’s Old Fashioned Submarines will lease some of the 80,000 feet of retail space. Opening two more places to get subs within a quarter mile of Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s and Potbelly doesn’t seem like the wisest thing to do.  

Nov. 30-Dec. 6: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Scientists believe the temperature on Kepler-22b is about 72 degrees, making it the best candidate yet for life beyond our solar system. NASA still needs to confirm that the planet has an atmosphere, in which case the next step would be to send some robots there to eradicate anything found living in case it could hurt us.  

Nov. 23-29: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 30, 2011
If you know anything about integral calculus, then you know that the area under a curve represents volume, while the slope is the acceleration at any given point (on a different type of curve, ha!). But if you think you know enough about integral calculus to prove these statements wrong then, sorry, but you don’t have any credibility because you’re probably drunk, as two new studies have found a correlation between intelligence and a thirst for alcohol.   

Nov. 16-21: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Hamilton County commissioners are still trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Monzel and Portune  were said to be intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good way to break bad news to people.  

Nov. 9-15: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 16, 2011
It wasn’t very long ago that University of Cincinnati students started a mostly justified riot in Clifton Heights — it was Cinco de Mayo and a frat boy locked his keys inside his car while it was running (“Smash it! Fuck the police!”). Penn State University students today took to the streets in defense of something even more ridiculous: their school’s football coach getting fired.   

Nov. 2-8: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 9, 2011
When a reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong with an educational system in which some schools are so much better than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the cold like a dumbass” with them.  

Oct. 26-Nov. 1: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 2, 2011
No one has ever accused Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST) of being less than honorable and forthright. (Wait, no, that’s backwards. It happens all the time, sorry.) The group best known for arguing from the suburbs that the city should stop spending money trying to fix its problems today was accused by a pro-rail group of knowingly making false statements about streetcar funding.  

Oct. 19-25: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Westboro Baptist Church came to town today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over “what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow owls live in the ground.  

Oct. 12-18: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Those of us who regularly witness these scenes were not surprised that it took only two weeks for Ohio to arrest its first legally armed bar patron for threatening to kill someone. Supporters of the new guns-in-bars law say it worked as intended and that once the gun-wielding public hears one of its brothers is in jail for five years the rest will learn to control themselves when someone plays Dave Matthews Band on the jukebox five times in a row.
  

Oct. 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Federal prosecutors in California today criticized the state’s medical marijuana industry for spiraling into a never-ending cycle of helping people and raising money, announcing that it would target certain members of the industry for “hijacking” the state’s 1996 Compassionate Use Act for profit. Feds are concerned with out-of-state profiteers opening large-scale commercial dispensaries, but also admitted concern over the existence of an entire city named Weed.
  

Sept. 28-Oct. 4: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 5, 2011
After months of speculation about when Apple would announce the launch of the iPhone 5, the company today finally scheduled the press conference that would change all of our lives forever ... and announced that there would be no iPhone 5. Tech geeks across the land responded with rage to the offer of an improved iPhone 4S, promising to switch to the Samsung Galaxy 2 and then weeping because they know it’s not true.  

Sept. 21-27: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Some of Mason’s brightest residents panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of Interstate 71. What was thought to be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.  

Sept. 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, September 21, 2011
If you were to drive north on I-75 toward Monroe during the past year, it’s likely that you noticed something missing along the way: highway expansion projects (check), multiple TGI Fridays locations (yup), anatomically correct horse statue (still there), giant Jesus statue signaling a touchdown in football (dude, where’d it go?!?). That’s because Touchdown Jesus was smote by god last year.