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Worst Week Ever!
 

Oct. 19-25: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Westboro Baptist Church came to town today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over “what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow owls live in the ground.  

Oct. 12-18: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Those of us who regularly witness these scenes were not surprised that it took only two weeks for Ohio to arrest its first legally armed bar patron for threatening to kill someone. Supporters of the new guns-in-bars law say it worked as intended and that once the gun-wielding public hears one of its brothers is in jail for five years the rest will learn to control themselves when someone plays Dave Matthews Band on the jukebox five times in a row.
  

Oct. 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Federal prosecutors in California today criticized the state’s medical marijuana industry for spiraling into a never-ending cycle of helping people and raising money, announcing that it would target certain members of the industry for “hijacking” the state’s 1996 Compassionate Use Act for profit. Feds are concerned with out-of-state profiteers opening large-scale commercial dispensaries, but also admitted concern over the existence of an entire city named Weed.
  

Sept. 28-Oct. 4: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 5, 2011
After months of speculation about when Apple would announce the launch of the iPhone 5, the company today finally scheduled the press conference that would change all of our lives forever ... and announced that there would be no iPhone 5. Tech geeks across the land responded with rage to the offer of an improved iPhone 4S, promising to switch to the Samsung Galaxy 2 and then weeping because they know it’s not true.  

Sept. 21-27: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Some of Mason’s brightest residents panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of Interstate 71. What was thought to be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.  

Sept. 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, September 21, 2011
If you were to drive north on I-75 toward Monroe during the past year, it’s likely that you noticed something missing along the way: highway expansion projects (check), multiple TGI Fridays locations (yup), anatomically correct horse statue (still there), giant Jesus statue signaling a touchdown in football (dude, where’d it go?!?). That’s because Touchdown Jesus was smote by god last year.  

Sept. 7-13: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, September 14, 2011
We at WWE! wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a firefighter — scared of heat, untrained in CPR, never helped anybody ever. That didn’t stop today’s news of the difficult philosophical question facing some of Ohio’s bravest public employees — whether to force state Republicans to raise taxes on rich people or give up their collective bargaining rights forever — from affecting us.  

Aug. 31-Sept. 6: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, September 7, 2011
So, you’re a proud American spending your weekend drinking and eating stuff, not arguing over whether bargaining rights are ruining America or if they already did when the Baby Boomers built all those cars, suburban homes and highways (dude, get over it). Either way, today was a day to put such partisan bickering aside and ... watch fireworks!   

August 24-30: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Talking to scientists is always kind of crazy — you know they’re smarter than you but the slightest amount of eye contact makes them start talking so fast you can’t even pretend to be following. The AP today checked in with a group of extremely enthusiastic scientists on their own terms (by phone), reporting the details of a black hole eating a star 3.8 billion light years from Earth and then shooting matter out of its center at 80-90 percent of the speed of light (I know, right?!?).  

August 17-23: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Everybody understands that historical facts can be difficult to remember — boring topics, long-lost cultures, people who thought dinosaurs were real, etc. That’s why it wasn’t a big deal when Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly described a couple of Revolutionary War battles and confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with his death (what’s the difference — he’s in Heaven now with all the black people whose music he stole).  

August 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.  

August 3-9: Worst Week Ever!

2 Comments · Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Protesters showed up at John Boehner’s West Chester office today only to find a note on the door that read, “Sorry, slackers — out on the golf course. :)” Staffers refused to answer any questions about local job creation except to point out that Boehner at that moment was paying a caddie and several different people to bring him drinks.  

July 27-Aug. 2: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.  

July 20-26: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Barack Obama and John Boehner walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here … just kidding — what do you assholes want?” This stupid joke is a lot funnier than what actually happened when Obama and Boehner walked into a meeting room in an attempt to avoid a government default, only to walk back out and blame each other for walking away.  

July 13-19: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comment · Wednesday, July 20, 2011
There are certain topics that newspaper headline writers enjoy a lot, the type of stories that allow for the creation of puns so funny that every elderly person who can still read 48-point font will laugh until they pee their pants (and then hopefully laugh about that). One such topic offered itself to The Enquirer today — the possible legalization of medical marijuana — and its online editor came through with the following: “Pot ballot measure now a joint effort.”