SATURDAY NOV. 24: The best way to increase public safety is
to get things that imperil it off the street … and then auction them
off to the public so they’ll be back on the streets. That’s the
bulletproof rationale the Kentucky State Police are employing by selling
confiscated firearms to gun dealers.
MONDAY NOV. 19: Justin Bieber won artist of the year at the AMA awards last night,
leading readers of things everywhere to become less jaded by all the
publications that run “Signs of the Apocalypse” blurbs within them.
WEDNESDAY OCT. 31: Space jumper Felix Baumgartner discouraged American leaders from funding exploration to Mars during a recent interview.
According to Baumgartner, the red planet probably sucks and the money
that would be used on such trips in the future would be better invested
on the planet we presently live on.
SUNDAY OCT. 28: Many people who read today’s Enquirer
endorsement of Mitt Romney for president likely set the paper down,
said something like “I need to move out of this [expletive] city” and
then googled “Jobs where newspapers don’t endorse Sarah Palin.”
THURSDAY OCT. 11: The Reds today became the first team in National League history to blow a
2-0 lead in a five-game Division Series. This latest painful postseason
exit for a Cincinnati sports team caused more chafing than others
because of how well the Reds played during the regular season, and for
the first time in like 20 years local sports fans thought their team had
a legitimate shot at winning a title.
MONDAY OCT. 8: Pizza Hut will give an audience member at next week’s presidential
debate at Hofstra University free pizza for life if they exploit the
town hall format of it and ask one of the candidates if they prefer
sausage or pepperoni as a topping during the debate.
FRIDAY SEPT. 28: All most people know about Arctic expeditions from
yesteryear is that they were cold and everyone had to eat mad pemmican, until an NPR blog
published today detailed the contents of the first aid kit brought along
by British explorer Ernest Shackleton and his men on their Nimrod
expedition in 1907.
MONDAY SEPT. 24: That loud sound you heard late Monday night was a gigantic moan from
fans of the Green Bay Packers, whose team (literally — they own it) was
robbed on a last-second, desperation heave from the Seattle Seahawks
which resulted in the game-winning touchdown.
THURSDAY SEPT. 13: Amanda Bynes, once named one of Teen People’s
“25 Hottest Stars Under 25” got herself into hot water today after
paparazzi filmed her driving around for hours while hitting a marijuana
pipe that looks like a car lighter.
MONDAY SEPT. 10: Because of the lack of effectiveness of those commercials in which a car
full of Stony Maloneys runs over a kid on a bike whilst ordering at the
drive-thru as if their car was Grave Digger and the little kid was a
rusty car positioned in front of it, other avenues are being explored to
make people not like smoking pot.
SUNDAY SEPT. 2: Carolyn Washburn, editor and vice president of The Enquirer, wrote a piece in today’s edition explaining the new look of the paper’s print edition. Washburn said the new look of the paper will be like the Weekly Reader newspapers you used to get in grade school, but with fewer pictures of animals.
THURSDAY AUG. 23: The University of Toledo Medical Center today announced that its kidney
transplant program has been suspended following a botched transplant
earlier this month resulted in a kidney being ruined by “human error.”