It’s difficult to consider the Cincinnati
Bengals to be one of the NFL’s more innovative franchises — aside from
winning the most lopsided stadium deal in the history of football and
then hiring the guy who negotiated it for the county, the team is really
only known for losing Super Bowls to the 49ers and a funny 1990s
FRIDAY SEPT. 13: Ohio is a great state with a lot of smart
people in it, but somehow it seems like the dumbest people in it end up
in really important positions. Take Debe Tehrar, the president of the
Ohio School Board.
THURSDAY SEPT. 5: For being a really old daily newspaper, The Cincinnati Enquirer
is not known for being great at many things (although its recent plan
to do a better job covering Northern Kentucky by having zero reporters
stationed there is a pretty good idea and should pay off in the long
THURSDAY AUG. 29: In a move likely to garner mass likes and
shares from your more sheltered or stupid Facebook friends, a Buckeye
State politician is pushing legislation that will require drug testing
for welfare applicants.
FRIDAY AUG. 23: Fascism is a scary word that most people
think was invented in Germany to try to exterminate a race of people and
make everyone left drive shitty cars. In turn, it is not the most
interesting subject to conservative Americans.
SATURDAY AUG. 17: The Akron Beacon Journal
today reported that a state representative named John Becker, who is
apparently from suburban Cincinnati (how many [expletive] state reps are
there, for real?), proposed an expansion of Ohio’s death penalty law to
cover some sex-related crimes.
MONDAY AUG. 12: Add cursive writing to the list of things
from your precious moments of youth that were wasted on learning things
which were totally irrelevant and not worth knowing how to do now that
you are old and stationary.
WEDNESDAY JULY 31:
People who say that things are “meta” are
usually annoying and prone to trying to make themselves appear way more
intelligent and informed than they truly are. That said, there seems to
be a debate within the debates when it comes to the upcoming Cincinnati
SATURDAY JULY 13: There are only so many ways to hurt
somebody with a tampon, but Texas state troopers today made sure that society
would see none of them during the Texas State Senate’s vote to restrict
SUNDAY JULY 7: It must be difficult to be a business owner during today’s
changing times — 50 years ago no one had to pay women an equal wage or
even hire black people, and now there’s all this social media and
Obamacare making everything confusing.
TUESDAY JUNE 25: An Ohio man’s recent trip to Michigan took a turn for the worse
after he took some mushrooms and was found trespassing inside Ypsilanti
Middle School. Responding officers noted that the man had ripped part of
his penis off.
SUNDAY JUNE 16: The Muppets from Sesame Street
today introduced a new character named Alex whose father is
incarcerated. Since we live in the nation that imprisons a higher
percentage of its populace than any other in the goddamned world, it
makes sense to reduce the stigma attached to this aspect of our society.