Three years ago Jose Canseco wrote a book about all the steroid use that took place in baseball during the 1990s and early 2000s, but everyone in the sports world said, "Shut up Canseco, you suck!" Now the former Bash Brother, who admitted to using steroids and sticking needles in other players' butts during his entire career, would like an apology from everyone who didn’t believe him.
Stewart Parnell might have been dumb enough to ship salmonella-infected peanut products all over the country, but he wasn't dumb enough to eat any of his company's peanut butter in front of Congress today. In response to allegations that Parnell knowingly shipped the infected products that got mass people sick, Rep. Greg Walden (R-Ore.) used a tactic popularized by American sitcoms, where one character knows another is lying and acts like he doesn’t in order to make the liar look like a dick.
A day after Republican cliche Joe the Plumber sat in on the Conservative Working Group's weekly strategy meeting in Washington, D.C., the AP released a pun-filled story detailing the working man's advice for the politicians. Though his attendance was likened to a Republican 'pipe dream' by the bored news reporters, many in attendance said it was good to get the perspective of a regular Joe even if his name isn’t really Joe.
A day after a national survey determined that most of America dislikes Cincinnati as much as those of us who live here, Mayor Mark Mallory came out and said, "Naw man, that survey ain't right." Only 13 percent of the 2,260 people surveyed said they'd like to live in Cincinnati, placing the Queen City 28th out of 30 cities, ahead of only fellow-dying Midwestern towns Cleveland and Detroit.
A film crew from the Travel Channel's 'Ghost Adventures' TV show began its three-day ghost hunt and conference today at Bobby Mackey's Music World in Wilder. The hunt began with show host Zak Bagans focusing his kindly efforts on the establishment's basement, replete with "old brick walls and an old well that some say is the entrance to Hell."
President-elect Barack Obama has already saved one American industry from recession: gun sellers. The Enquirer reported today that gun enthusiasts nationwide are so afraid that Obama will take away their freedom to own assault rifles and other war-style home defense tools that they're buying out local gun shops.
Those of us who have been wondering what ever happened to the criminal charges brought against us months ago for being way too good at body rubs were happy to find out today that they might be gone forever. The Enquirer reported that a former bailiff is accused of taking bribes to delay cases until they´re no longer prosecutable, which takes 270 days after an arrest or 90 days in jail, and now people are demanding that their charges be dropped in accordance.
As 2008 came to an end, most of us were looking forward to celebrating the final days of the worst presidency ever the opportunity to dedicate 2009 to bettering ourselves and humanity. But media giant Viacom says that if Time Warner Cable doesn't pay up then sweet channels like Nickelodeon, MTV and Comedy Central will disappear in the new year. In other news, City Hall is 177 environmentally-friendly light bulbs away from Heaven.
Though our collective attention was often fractured by the local media’s coverage of poor people getting arrested, gay rights and cigarettes, national issues like housing market crashes and America’s increasingly diminished standing among the international community, we at WWE! were lucky enough to have a public medium to express our feelings and enough Internet access to look up the stuff we didn’t know anything about.
Two local middle school students won a UC-sponsored stock market game for kids last week by investing their fake $100,000 in Under Armour athletic apparel. When asked if they would consider investing their fake money in any other companies, the students said they'd consider gasoline futures but that diversifying is for dorks.
A local judge put the smack down last week after a defendant mumbled that it was bullshit that he'd have to stay in jail until his court date. Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Robert Ruehlman thought that an alleged Northside Taliband gang member saying "bullshit" in his courtroom was actually bullshit itself, so he sentenced him to six months.
We at WWE! don't always try our best. But our journalistic indifference results in harmless poop jokes and curse words, unlike Cincinnati Enquirer reporters, whose bad sense of humor often results in the public embarrassment of poor people.