President-elect Barack Obama has already saved one American industry from recession: gun sellers. The Enquirer reported today that gun enthusiasts nationwide are so afraid that Obama will take away their freedom to own assault rifles and other war-style home defense tools that they're buying out local gun shops.
Those of us who have been wondering what ever happened to the criminal charges brought against us months ago for being way too good at body rubs were happy to find out today that they might be gone forever. The Enquirer reported that a former bailiff is accused of taking bribes to delay cases until they´re no longer prosecutable, which takes 270 days after an arrest or 90 days in jail, and now people are demanding that their charges be dropped in accordance.
As 2008 came to an end, most of us were looking forward to celebrating the final days of the worst presidency ever the opportunity to dedicate 2009 to bettering ourselves and humanity. But media giant Viacom says that if Time Warner Cable doesn't pay up then sweet channels like Nickelodeon, MTV and Comedy Central will disappear in the new year. In other news, City Hall is 177 environmentally-friendly light bulbs away from Heaven.
Though our collective attention was often fractured by the local media’s coverage of poor people getting arrested, gay rights and cigarettes, national issues like housing market crashes and America’s increasingly diminished standing among the international community, we at WWE! were lucky enough to have a public medium to express our feelings and enough Internet access to look up the stuff we didn’t know anything about.
Two local middle school students won a UC-sponsored stock market game for kids last week by investing their fake $100,000 in Under Armour athletic apparel. When asked if they would consider investing their fake money in any other companies, the students said they'd consider gasoline futures but that diversifying is for dorks.
A local judge put the smack down last week after a defendant mumbled that it was bullshit that he'd have to stay in jail until his court date. Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Robert Ruehlman thought that an alleged Northside Taliband gang member saying "bullshit" in his courtroom was actually bullshit itself, so he sentenced him to six months.
We at WWE! don't always try our best. But our journalistic indifference results in harmless poop jokes and curse words, unlike Cincinnati Enquirer reporters, whose bad sense of humor often results in the public embarrassment of poor people.
There are drawbacks to living in a battleground state during election season, and The Enquirer today detailed one of the big negatives that comes with the consideration that politicians pretend to have for us: This shit costs us money!
Brenda Nesselroad-Slaby's terrible parenting skills might have resulted in a child dying a slow and excruciating death this summer, but that didn't stop her from accepting an invitation to kick it with a sympathetic talk show host.