In the national news' "You bet your ass I will" department, local intellectual and House Minority Leader John Boehner joined what a silver-tongued reporter referred to as a "legal crusade" to keep the phrase "In God We Trust" inscribed above the visitors' entrance to the U.S. Capitol.
It’s pretty clear that no one is ever going to solve the whole chicken or the egg thing. But that’s not going to stop Kentucky legislators from trying, as Ohio’s legalization of casino gambling has forced them to rethink their casino-gaming chicken and horse-racing egg (or is it the other way around?).
The American taxpayers were caught by surprise today when they learned that Ford Motor Co. earned $1 billion in the third quarter of this year. The sudden profitability of the seemingly inept automaker (the Ford Fusion? Seriously?) impressed industry analysts, who said such gains once seemed less likely than a Ford hybrid SUV or a woman sleeping with a dude who drives a Mustang and not getting herpes.
When we at WWE! heard that the Cincinnati Tea Party was planning to spend the second half of this week participating in something called “We Surround Him,” we thought, “Good, if those assholes are busy doing weird shit to god they won’t bother the rest of us.”
There are some things that even the dumbest kid doesn't need his mom to tell him more than once: The stove is hot, scary movies aren't real and eating at Taco Bell will make you poop your pants. A new study hopes to put another surprisingly debatable issue to rest: whether hanging out in a room full of cigarette smoke is bad for the people who aren't even smoking.
When we at WWE! heard that NASA was scheduled to shoot a rocket at the moon today, we thought, "Good, that thing's too scary when it's full." It turns out that the scientists weren't doing it out of spite but were actually hoping to find evidence of water in the explosion that could help humans once we pollute all of ours.
There's an old saying that goes something like, "Once you learn how to ride a bike it's really easy to do it again at any later point in your life." The same can't be said for the education of local transportation planners, who today asked the public what it would take to get more people riding bikes even though it's kind of their job to know that.
If the 2004 election made you think, “Goddammit, there are too many Christians in this country,” then a new report released today will probably make you feel more comfortable about the amount of neighbors you have who believe they’re going to be reunited with Elvis when they die.
There’s nothing worse than being condescending toward someone and having it get flipped around on you. Today the people who will have to deal with the confusing wording on the anti-streetcar ballot said to its supporters, “Yeah, your anti ‘choo choo train’ bill could ruin a real choo choo train, you asses.”
Anyone who has ever been caught by their parents stealing stuff from a store knows how much it sucks when they drag you back in there to apologize and give back the Skittles. U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) knows this type of embarrassment, only he doesn’t have a shiny wrapper and eye-level product placement to excuse his actions.
Sometimes it’s difficult for white men to really understand how hard it is to break through a glass ceiling (can’t you just smash it with a broomstick and try not to get cut when you climb up?). One organization that has proven over centuries that it won’t tolerate its womens speaking out or breaking anything is the Catholic church, which today reinforced its stained glass ceiling by banning a nun who supports the ordination of women priests.
Today the newspaper with the funniest arrest stories in town took another step forward by posting a series of poll questions asking what fast-food places offer the best value for a poor person’s $5. Among The Enquirer's choices were the Subway $5 Footlong, the KFC $5 Fill up Box, assorted value menus and whatever amount of chili you can get for $5. Enquirer editors said they would have included spending $5 at a grocery store but that shit takes too long.
The Cash for Clunkers program ended at 8 p.m. Aug. 24. It is survived by thousands of appreciative middle-class auto buyers, several hundred thousand tons of smashed SUVs and dozens of stimulus programs that no one has heard of.
Living in a recession is hard. We at WWE! have already sold a kidney to pay for ramen and Playboy, and we can still only afford to drink Natty Light (in bottles when we feel like classing it up or we have a lady friend over).