We at WWE! often blame our personal transgressions on our conservative, non-YP-friendly, poorly-led hometown (boredom has been proven to cause destructive tendencies in lab rats). But these excuses are about to be gone forever because — wait for it — the International Quilt Festival will move to Cincinnati starting in 2011! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!
We at WWE! don't like some things because they make us mad: traffic, static cling, cats with pink noses, male politicians, really tall people, music, Ford Mustangs and getting hit on the elbow. But even worse than all these things combined? Movies. The manager of a new theater in Kenwood wants to help make the moviegoing experience more enjoyable by serving alcohol. The Sycamore Township Board of Trustees is expected to approve the liquor license.
U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner performed the equivalent of complaining to the night manager at McDonald's when he formally urged the state of Ohio to join a lawsuit against the new federal health care law. Boehner said in a statement that the law will mean higher costs, lost jobs, fewer freedoms and blah blah blah.
It’s understandable that most of us spent St. Patrick’s Day trying to figure out what color shirt would best hide our green beer/Chipotle barf later in the evening (consensus: Notre Dame Fighting Irish basketball jersey). But instead we kept our bosses away from a Reuters report detailing how much money U.S employers lose every year during the first week of the NCAA college basketball tournament.
Ty Pennington’s chubbier, less attractive doppelganger Guy Fieri today brought his traveling show to town, spotlighting regal local eateries like Terry’s Turf Club in Linwood. While Fieri yelled about how “wild” the Turf Club is, his staff scrambled to find other local eateries to spotlight on the upcoming episode all about The Cincinnati.
It's difficult to dispute that Ronald Reagan transformed the nation's political and economic thinking. Getting poor people to believe in the trickle-down theory is like getting a sixth grader to say the Pledge of Allegiance without being scared. That's why a North Carolina congressman today suggested that the government redraw the $50 bill with Reagan's head on it.
The National Chicken Council announced that the profit margin for wings isn’t high enough to constitute raising a whole bird without selling his breast and other parts. In response, many businesses are offering “boneless wings” made of breast meat while trying to figure out what kind of sauce will make chicken necks taste good.
Last week a Vanity Fair writer named A.A. Gill riled up the pro-Cincy blogosphere by writing the following line in an introduction to a fairly obvious story about how dumb the Creation Museum is: "It's not in the nature of stoic Cincinnatians to boast, which is fortunate, really, for they have meager pickings to boast about." The statement was poorly received by Cincinnatians, though it was seen as hilarious by some for how big of a dickbag it made the writer sound.
The Enquirer today reported that 700 WLW-AM will continue broadcasting twice hourly school closing reports despite the fact that most people are more likely to check the weather on an iPhone app than by looking out a window.
The AP reported today that new evidence suggests that dinosaurs were in fact very colorful creatures, which is another hypothesis shared by researchers and little kids. Scientists expect that after minimal further study they'll be able to officially replace the old dinosaur colors, which were just made up by fifth graders anyway.
If you've ever seen Jean Schmidt in person, you know that she looks just like she does in pictures and on TV (kind of mean). The Enquirer reported today that after President Obama's state of the union address Schmidt looked like herself but was acting like somebody who actually respected the president.
It's bad enough to get a text message from your girlfriend when you know she's driving a car, but when your dad hits you with an ROFL while he's on the road driving a big rig, you know several things are wrong (ROFL). That's why the U.S. government today formally banned truckers and bus drivers from texting while behind the wheel.
The Cincinnati Enquirer isn't like other news sites that lately have focused a lot of coverage on the terrible, unimaginable suffering the residents of Haiti are trying to survive. Instead, a big picture of a piece of pizza greeted its Web site visitors Jan. 19. Mmmmm! Leave it to the liberals in L.A., Miami and New York to harass readers with pictures of dead bodies, crying babies and utter devastation. Here in Cincinnati we've got bigger fish to fry (and pizza to eat).
We at WWE! realize that in 17 years things will be a lot different — technology will be increasingly difficult to use and people who are 10 right now will be able to kick our asses. Another thing that’s going to suck is that the $1.9 billion Cincinnati Retirement System is going to be broke unless fundamental changes are made soon.
We, as humans, don’t have to worry about any other species invading us because our consciousness and free will allow us to make awesome weapons to defend ourselves from even the scariest creatures on Earth. But that doesn’t mean some of the not so scary ones can’t mess up our habitats, which is potentially worse than whatever happens when a hippopotamus gets mad at you.