We were happy today to have one more reason not to go to Amelia: We prefer to avoid places that don’t have police forces. Village leaders have already asked the county sheriff if he will help out if any teenagers figure out that the high school’s football helmets look like anarchy signs and start freaking out.
Ohio State University football coach Jim Tressel today resigned amid investigations into rule violations by his players, only to have the school and its fans respond with a heartfelt :’(. Tressel, who is best known for wearing sweater vests, beating Michigan and pretending to be the dad in Family Ties, said his departure is what’s best for the university.
It’s rare that scientists are able to figure out exactly when an invasive species was introduced to an area — there is generally more than one person at a time who thinks it’s funny to see what a weird animal from Australia will do if you let it loose in your own neighborhood (probably get killed by cats, maybe eat a bird). The Enquirer today reported that one such not-so-local species — the European wall lizard — followed a different path to Cincinnati.
Do you know someone who insists on carrying a concealed weapon in public? Probably the type of person willing to jump to action at the first sign of injustice, using his or her weapon only for good and never accidentally shooting anyone or raging?
John Boehner today said the government needs to consider trillions of dollars worth of cuts before he will agree to raise the debt limit but no one could tell if he was serious because he was crying and smiling at the same time.
It’s typically not a big deal to hop on a city bus in the morning, ask the bus driver if it’s going in the direction you think you left your car the night before and then enjoy the air-conditioned ride back to wherever you got wasted (Metro bus driver: “I ain’t mad at ya.”). Such understanding is apparently not always to be expected by professional drivers in Austin, Tex., one of whom recently determined on his own that two women shouldn’t be escorted in the direction of a Planned Parenthood clinic for fear that they might get abortions.
It’s common among men who are afraid of homosexuality to ignore its existence, convincing themselves that every Ricky Martin music video is just another example of a very attractive, well-groomed man who loves dancing and also his wife.
Successful people understand that sometimes even the smartest individuals need to defer to the expertise of others: President Obama doesn’t ask a bunch of questions about how space shuttles work; just tells the astronauts to blast off and have a good time floating around. That’s why it was pretty annoying today to listen to Gov. John Kasich — a 58-year-old Republican who pretty much epitomizes Suck.
Most Americans don’t spend a lot of time thinking about places outside of our country, so it would be normal for many to respond to news of Copenhagen, Denmark’s ranking as the happiest city in the world with something along the lines of “Who cares? Fuck Denmark.”
Anyone who frequents the downtown business district knows that certain local celebrations guarantee a less-than-diverse collection of visitors to our fair city (try yelling “Go back to Mason!” to random people at Opening Day, Taste of Cincinnati or Oktoberfest and you’ll be surprised at how many people think you know them).
A newspaper article today described Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s support for a proposal to regulate Internet cafes (is this 1995?) and game parlors (is this 1955?) that offer games with cash prizes. DeWine says regulating "mom and pop" wagering institutions is of far greater importance than giving any attention to how the Buckeye State’s plethora of casinos set to open in the next few years will primarily function as conduits for recipients of government aid to piss their welfare and social security checks away one pull of the one-armed bandit at a time.
WCPO TV has reportedly secured more information about the new “Dinosaurs Alive!” attraction at Paramount’s Kings Island to be offered this year. When asked if the exhibit would feature Jesus sliding down the tail of a Camarasaurus or jousting with someone who supports the right for homosexuals to be legally married whilst perched atop a velociraptor, a park representative replied, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and besides the Creation Museum already did that.”
Most people know what it’s like to stroll into the doctor’s office for a routine checkup only to hop on the scale and receive a startling dose of reality (“yes, sir, you weigh 20 pounds more than last year; also, you can’t eat those chicken wings in here). Mayor Mark Mallory today received some bad news he probably should have expected, as the latest U.S. Census figures show a 10-percent drop in Cincinnati’s population during the last decade.
There are always going to be pluses and minuses when considering different preparations of meat for dinner: In general, the less cooked meat is more delicious but also offers the highest likelihood of poopy pants at some point in the evening. Ohio agriculture businesses today found themselves in the same predicament, only the undercooked meat was still alive and the underwear about to be ruined was their own.
Most people who have seen even just a preview for an episode of Two and a Half Men have an opinion on why some people think it’s funny to watch Charlie Sheen’s character talking about women’s boobs in front of a teenager (because they’re stupid). That’s why it was ironic today to learn that the show has been canceled due to Sheen’s increasingly crazy real life.