We at WWE! have never found beauty pageants to be all that interesting — who wants to watch a bunch of models talk about changing the world when you can see real people eating donkey balls on three stations at any given time?
NASA today made an announcement that even the most jealous scientists recognize as a big deal: the finding of the first rocky exoplanet outside our solar system. Speaking to the American Astronomical Society in Seattle, veteran exoplanet hunter Geoffrey Marcy called the discovery “a planetary missing link,” “a bridge between the gas giant planets we’ve been finding and the Earth” and “fucking super unbelievable.”
Concern is quickly growing over the New Year's Eve deaths of red-winged blackbirds, grackles and starlings that fell out of the skies over Beebe, Ark., with the most likely explanations involving biblical end times, secret government weapons testing and aliens mistakenly thinking birds are in charge of Earth because they can fly.
A Pulitzer-winning non-partisan fact-checking site today released its “Lie of the Year” in politics, and although it had nothing to do with Boehner's un-organic skin tone it did note that the incoming House Speaker uses this year's biggest lie quite often. The winner is the claim that Obama's health-care law is a “government takeover of health care.”
There are several reasons why people outside the Midwest choose not to move to places like Ohio and Wisconsin. One such reason was on display today when sources reported that the Obama administration is taking $1.2 billion in high-speed rail money away from these states because their new Republican governors said they don't want it.
It's likely that if you're not from the East Side then you probably reacted to today's news of Sarah Palin appearing at an 11 a.m. book signing at the Harper's Point Kroger by saying, “So what? I was at work. Also, where the hell is Harper's Point?” It turns out that a lot of people know the answer (and had the day off), as about 200 showed up to see the former Alaska governor sign copies of her new book.
It's 9 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 28: Do you know where your rifle is? If you don't then it's time to mount up because Ohio's nine-day deer hunting season runs Monday through Saturday and after that you only have two more days this year to shoot one of those bastards.
If you were to judge what marriage is like by depictions in beer commercials, you'd likely believe that most of them are pretty terrible and most husbands are real dicks who prefer doing idiotic things with their friends than spending time with their wives. In fact, a new study by the Pew Research Center found that 39 percent of Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete. Jerry Seinfeld's hilarious TV single life apparently has spoiled it for everyone.
Local "food" producer JTM today announced the introduction of two new products to its enthralling, mysterious line of meat products that people as locally renowned as Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo have sung songs about. After a process that probably is a lot like when you would use different shaped caps to squeeze out Play Doh and add in some filler, JTM now has a reduced fat macaroni and cheese dish and breakfast burritos.
If there's one thing that we at WWE! hope never happens, it's a high-powered local Republican suing us (seriously, how good could CityBeat's lawyers be if the paper is free?). That's why we have a well-documented history of treating local lawyer Eric Deters with respect, as he has demonstrated a willingness to file multiple lawsuits against people who say bad things about him, according to The Enquirer.
American universities year after year are forced to admit that their athletic coaches break many rules in order to win games. The University of Iowa basketball team stuck with this process, only instead of throwing awesome stripper parties last month two high school recruits got to meet celebrities Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.
Jean Schmidt recently invited area Republicans to her farm for a fall party. Lawyer Liz Cheney was expected to be in attendance. Rumors remain unconfirmed that when the children were taken on a hay ride in the dark autumn night Cheney's father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, jumped out from behind a tree with a flashlight pointed toward his face and scared the shit out of everyone.
Republican gubernatorial candidate John Kasich recently described the the proposed 3C passenger rail line's 39 mile-per-hour speed as "prima facie" evidence of its stupidity. The statement was quoted in a story about how the proposed passenger rail line is dead if Kasich wins in November and included an incorrect use of "ergo de facto" that he did on purpose.
Police Chief Tom Streicher has notified his officers in a good old-fashioned memo that they should be on the lookout for distracted drivers who might be texting. A ban on texting while driving has been passed, and now, after being briefed on what exactly text messaging is, Streicher wants it to be enforced.