Westboro Baptist Church came to town
today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over
“what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how
exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with
a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said
the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay
martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow
owls live in the ground.
Those of us who regularly witness these scenes were not surprised
that it took only two weeks for Ohio to arrest its first legally armed
bar patron for threatening to kill someone. Supporters of the new guns-in-bars law say it worked as intended and
that once the gun-wielding public hears one of its brothers is in jail
for five years the rest will learn to control themselves when someone
plays Dave Matthews Band on the jukebox five times in a row.
Federal prosecutors in California today criticized the state’s
medical marijuana industry for spiraling into a never-ending cycle of
helping people and raising money, announcing that it would target
certain members of the industry for “hijacking” the state’s 1996
Compassionate Use Act for profit. Feds are concerned with out-of-state
profiteers opening large-scale commercial dispensaries, but also
admitted concern over the existence of an entire city named Weed.
After months of speculation about when
Apple would announce the launch of the iPhone 5, the company today
finally scheduled the press conference that would change all of our
lives forever ... and announced that there would be no iPhone 5. Tech
geeks across the land responded with rage to the offer of an improved
iPhone 4S, promising to switch to the Samsung Galaxy 2 and then weeping
because they know it’s not true.
Some of Mason’s brightest residents
panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of
Interstate 71. What was thought to
be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s
property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the
first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in
France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.
If you were to drive north on I-75 toward
Monroe during the past year, it’s likely that you noticed something
missing along the way: highway expansion projects (check), multiple TGI
Fridays locations (yup), anatomically correct horse statue (still
there), giant Jesus statue signaling a touchdown in football (dude,
where’d it go?!?). That’s because Touchdown Jesus was smote by god last
We at WWE! wouldn’t know what it’s like
to be a firefighter — scared of heat, untrained in CPR, never helped
anybody ever. That didn’t stop today’s news of the difficult
philosophical question facing some of Ohio’s bravest public employees —
whether to force state Republicans to raise taxes on rich people or give
up their collective bargaining rights forever — from affecting us.
So, you’re a proud American spending your
weekend drinking and eating stuff, not arguing over whether bargaining
rights are ruining America or if they already did when the Baby Boomers
built all those cars, suburban homes and highways (dude, get over it).
Either way, today was a day to put such partisan bickering aside and ...
Talking to scientists is always kind of crazy — you know they’re smarter than you but the slightest amount of eye contact makes them start talking so fast you can’t even pretend to be following. The AP today checked in with a group of extremely enthusiastic scientists on their own terms (by phone), reporting the details of a black hole eating a star 3.8 billion light years from Earth and then shooting matter out of its center at 80-90 percent of the speed of light (I know, right?!?).
Everybody understands that historical facts can be difficult to remember — boring topics, long-lost cultures, people who thought dinosaurs were real, etc. That’s why it wasn’t a big deal when Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly described a couple of Revolutionary War battles and confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with his death (what’s the difference — he’s in Heaven now with all the black people whose music he stole).
The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.
Protesters showed up at John Boehner’s West Chester office today only to find a note on the door that read, “Sorry, slackers — out on the golf course. :)” Staffers refused to answer any questions about local job creation except to point out that Boehner at that moment was paying a caddie and several different people to bring him drinks.
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.
Barack Obama and John Boehner walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here … just kidding — what do you assholes want?” This stupid joke is a lot funnier than what actually happened when Obama and Boehner walked into a meeting room in an attempt to avoid a government default, only to walk back out and blame each other for walking away.
There are certain topics that newspaper headline writers enjoy a lot, the type of stories that allow for the creation of puns so funny that every elderly person who can still read 48-point font will laugh until they pee their pants (and then hopefully laugh about that). One such topic offered itself to The Enquirer today — the possible legalization of medical marijuana — and its online editor came through with the following: “Pot ballot measure now a joint effort.”