There are plenty of reasonable questions to ask of the U.S. government after witnessing several months of oil spillage, shaky federal responses and the extreme concern of BP employees on TV commercials (the guy from Louisiana seemed to care the most). But the AP reported today that for every one of us whose original question — WTF? — is still unanswered, there's a BP executive thinking something else: "So how much oil is still in the well?"  

With local streetcar funding and support increasing like the value of property along the proposed route, it's no wonder that some East-siders are wondering what's up with a proposed rail project that would link the eastern suburbs to the city.  

The Reds' cap is No. 2 in a national ranking of gang-affiliated hats, which was reported today by an assumedly well-connected Web site called complex.com. The cap, which is red with a wishbone white "C" on it, is said to be repped by Chicago’s 4 Corner Hustlers, who add a "4" and a "H" to it, and Los Angeles' Bloods, who reportedly rock them strait out da box.  

Have you ever been forced to use one of your poor friend's cell phones to make a call only to rub your index finger across the screen and have nothing happen because the phone has actual buttons? Flip-phone owners around the world today were repaid for such bothersome details in their lives, as news spread of the new iPhone's problem getting a signal if it's held a certain way. Ha ha!  

News is out that the new Touchdown Jesus on I-75, which builders say will definitely be non-flammable this time, will depict the savior standing on water and holding his arms in a position less familiar to people who worship professional athletes more than any god. Pastors say they researched all major sports signals before settling on a design, which was crucial to avoiding any resemblance to the NFL's illegal touching penalty.   

If you were to ask Americans how it makes them feel to be compared to the Roman Empire, most would say something along the lines of, "That's what's up." (People from Colerain would likely add an expletive to the end as well.) Such feelings of pride aren't what Republican U.S. Senate nominee Rand Paul meant to conjure when he recently compared America to the Romans, because he thinks we're an empire on the verge of collapse.  

The Enquirer today performed its daily newspaper version of multimedia progress, sending a reporter out with a hand-held thermometer on a 90-degree day to measure the heat. Prefacing his discoveries with the acknowledgment that only a fraction of people in Cincinnati didn't already know it was hot as hell outside, this intrepid layoff-dodger recorded such fascinating discoveries as a 113-degree metal picnic table and 133-degree asphalt.  

State workers may soon be able to extend their benefits to "live-in" partners. Against the idea is Citizens for Community Values leader Phil Burress, whose official statement on the issue included a disturbing metaphor about the ends of an extension cord not fitting together if each has three dicks.  

God today offered humanity another image to think about when he smote the 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus outside Solid Rock Church in Monroe, setting ablaze a monument that has become known to locals as "Touchdown Jesus" for its resemblance to a football referee signaling a touchdown. The statue is expected to be resurrected in the shape of Jesus dunking a basketball so the hoop can extend high into the sky and also function as a lightning rod.  

If you were to believe 1980s stereotypes, college fraternities and sororities would be a bunch of mean rich kids adored by administrators even though they're total dicks to everyone else (you might also believe that red cars are cool and black men are scary). To reinforce that view last week Miami University put a third sorority on probation.  

Most children only have to experience the pain of touching a hot stove one time before they learn two very important lessons about life: The oven is scary and hot things aren't always red. The AP today reported bad news for a collection of adults who still haven't mastered such primitive survival skills: people who use tanning beds.  

We at WWE! are admittedly afraid of many things: Rollercoasters, angry PR representatives and our fathers after Bengals games are all pretty high on our lists of things to avoid. But there is one entity that scares us so badly even the mention of its name strikes fear into the most brave part of our hearts: North Korea.  

Larry Summers, head of the National Economic Council, defended the Chrysler loan this week, noting that continued job loss in the auto industry would have turned several cities into even worse places than Detroit. He later admitted that he once bought his 16-year-old a P.T. Cruiser and the kid hates him now.  

The foldy paper full of graphics that even the wake-n-bake crowd can’t figure out (more popularly known as USA Today) today came out with some totally gnarly and colorful graphs depicting how the bajillion gallons of oil pumping out of BP Interesting Oil executives’ pockets and into the Gulf of Mexico will flow.   

There are good reasons for sports fans to hate certain professional baseball teams, but a new algorithm that analyzes how people feel about things has determined that the Cincinnati Reds are actually the third most hated team in baseball, trailing only the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox.