The Enquirer’s Cliff Radel
informed readers today that not all of the historical lore out there
about the devastating Ohio River flood of 1937 is true. Apparently, it’s
not really true that houses floated down the river and came to rest
elsewhere completely intact, despite many tales told by locals over the
Satanists everywhere rejoiced today as
the New England Patriots thrashed the Denver Broncos 45-10 in AFC
Playoff action. A spokesperson for the Church of Satan noted that Denver
quarterback Tim Tebow’s total passing yards this week was so low “you’d
probably find something about it in the book of Genesis.”
Cincinnati native Barry Larkin was
elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame today. After playing for the Reds
from 1986-2004, Larkin’s acceptance into the Hall of Fame cements his
legacy as one of the best to ever play the game.
According to police, approximately 215
hunters registered in Indian Hill have killed 209 deer so far this
deer-hunting season. Hunters registered in the village must pass a
background check and complete a hunter safety course in order to be
allowed to shoot deer in the village.
Cincinnati City Council in 2011 saw councilpersons resigning, replacements immediately campaigning and, eventually, the ousting of four incumbents in favor of young people and Democrats. Here's the year in City Council as reported by WWE!
Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was
working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links
between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers
game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s
In the Clifton redevelopment stategy, National retailers Great Clips,
Firehouse Subs and Dibella’s Old Fashioned Submarines will lease some of
the 80,000 feet of retail space. Opening two more places to get subs
within a quarter mile of Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s and Potbelly doesn’t
seem like the wisest thing to do.
believe the temperature on Kepler-22b is about 72 degrees, making it the
best candidate yet for life beyond our solar system. NASA still needs
to confirm that the planet has an atmosphere, in which case the next
step would be to send some robots there to eradicate anything found
living in case it could hurt us.
If you know anything about integral
calculus, then you know that the area under a curve represents volume,
while the slope is the acceleration at any given point (on a different
type of curve, ha!). But if you think you know enough about integral
calculus to prove these statements wrong then, sorry, but you don’t have
any credibility because you’re probably drunk, as two new studies have found a correlation between intelligence and a
thirst for alcohol.
Hamilton County commissioners are still
trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the
property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports
stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Monzel and Portune were said to be
intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the
political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good
way to break bad news to people.
It wasn’t very long ago that University
of Cincinnati students started a mostly justified riot in Clifton
Heights — it was Cinco de Mayo and a frat boy locked his keys inside his
car while it was running (“Smash it! Fuck the police!”). Penn State
University students today took to the streets in defense of something
even more ridiculous: their school’s football coach getting fired.
reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong
with an educational system in which some schools are so much better
than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed
that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be
making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the
cold like a dumbass” with them.
No one has ever accused Citizens Opposed
to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST) of being less than honorable
and forthright. (Wait, no, that’s backwards. It happens all the time,
sorry.) The group best known for arguing from the suburbs that the city
should stop spending money trying to fix its problems today was accused
by a pro-rail group of knowingly making false statements about streetcar
Westboro Baptist Church came to town
today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over
“what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how
exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with
a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said
the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay
martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow
owls live in the ground.