Also, fire nine others in the Hamilton County Prosecutor's Office to make it look like I'm not just getting rid of Mike Allen's leftover affairs though, in reality, I'm putting as much distance between that guy and me as I possibly can.
Yes: Rearrange office furniture
Sanitize desktop, chairs, windowsills and private bathroom, especially the toilet seat. Scratch that. Buy all new office furniture. And have carpeting replaced. Replace toilet seat and vanity. Leave door open at all times.
No: Distance myself from Mike
Ongoing. This is really theoretical, since he already slammed a wedge between us once he became prosecutor. This'll be tricky. How will I alienate his cronies the way he alienated mine once I left the prosecutor's office for Columbus? But the laws of the evil of the two lessers dictate that I'll emerge looking like a champ because he's alienated himself from so many attorneys, judges and prosecutors that all I really have to do is let his raggedy reputation play itself out and I'll again be elevated to Golden Boy status. Note to self: Be careful not to make this look like revenge. After all, in 2003 Mike transferred Collins from the appellate division to prosecuting juvenile cases in front of my mother-in-law, then Juvenile Court Judge Sylvia Hendon
No: Return the Hamilton County Prosecutor's Office to a skank-free, mainly white, male and Republican domain
Send an office-wide memo to the guys. Tell them to conduct their extramarital affairs as though the FBI were tailing them, to never have sex in the office, to choose chicks with more decorum than Collins and to break it off the second it turns into a trailer-park fiasco.
Yes: Appear earnest and humble to the media
Be assessable, especially during the first 90 days back in office. Grant frequent live interviews, keeping press releases to a minimum. Express great disappointment in the turn my relationship with Mike has taken. Appear baffled by it. Purse lips in all photographs.
Yes: Gloat secretly
No: Apologize to Fanon Rucker, but keep it brisk and brief so he won't think I'm extending some kind of olive branch from the prosecutor's office
He's still a Democrat, after all. Promise to make a lunch date. Walk away quickly. As he suggests dates and times, appear distracted and promise to call him. Flip open cell phone like it's ringing. Pretend to talk to my wife.
No: Move within the city proper
If the wife doesn't want to move, get a place with a Cincinnati ZIP code. Preferably on the West side.
Yes: Repair relationship between the prosecutor's office and the Hamilton County Commissioners
This can be easily done, especially at first. Agree wholeheartedly with commissioners that the county is not responsible for paying Collins' lawsuit against Mike or for paying Mike's legal fees. This ass kissing will help strengthen the Republican stronghold across the county and show residents in the hinterlands that this county is theirs, that it doesn't belong only to urban liberals.
Yes: Do my bid in the prosecutor's office and get out of Cincinnati for good
Remember to call in all favors from the Hamilton County GOP for saving its ass from Mike's human stain when it comes time for me to again seek a higher state-level office.
Yes: Destroy this document
Hear Kathy's commentaries on National Public Radio's All Things Considered.