Former Hamilton County Prosecute Her Allen's $5 million countersuit against the woman with whom he engaged in nearly four years of consensual whoring and who allegedly ruined his political career is why there should be statutes and heavy fines against filing lawsuits based on vendettas. It's an "I know I am, but what are you" debacle played out for the sake of a payout.
"In short," the suit says, "Collins' claims forced Allen to forfeit his entire political career and professional opportunities."
No, his penis did that. It was Collins' repeated collision with Allen's penis that's responsible for our punishment, for this seemingly never-ending tale of chasing tail.
No need to rehash Collins' claims against Allen; you've all been following along, addicted as we are to salaciousness. Let's just say Collins accuses her manwhore of getting the milk for free.
Not even so much as a promotion. No money on the dresser. Nothin'.
The fine points of Allen's countersuit are so rude and intentionally defamatory, however, we should be suing him for not keeping his slacks zipped. And we should tack on a few extra million in compensatory damages for the cases Allen might have lackadaisically mishandled during his tryst with Collins, preoccupied as he was with satiating his sexual appetite, shaming his children and being just arrogant enough to think he could go off to the Republican National Convention and leave us to sleep on his wet spot
Not so fast.
Takes a whore to know one. That's what this countersuit boils down to: name-calling.
Allen and his lawyers are spelling out the details of Collins' sexual appetite and Trailer-Park Mommy antics -- claims of orgiastic invitations to another woman, allegedly fucking some "older TV personality" and divorcing the man she claimed did drugs with her son -- just to get us to be appalled by her.
They both appall me.
This isn't a case for the court of public opinion, though. Allen either wielded his dick as a power tool, thereby harassing and discriminating against Collins, or he didn't -- and she can either prove it or she can't.
Allen's camp wants so badly to defame and destroy this woman and paint her in broad, whorish strokes they're looking between her legs. They're overlooking between the lines. That's where I'm reading.
All those nasty corners of Collins' life Allen now spells out are the very ones he probably loved penetrating most once upon a time when they were fucking the power out of one another.
Speaking of which, the game of White Boy Chess played so deftly by the Hamilton County Republican Party when it switched in Joe Deters hasn't gone unnoticed. Now let's all pay close attention to see if Deters can simultaneously clean up that prosecutor's office and the streets.
But who'll Swiffer the Hamilton County halls of justice, the very environment that's been a petri dish to the hardcore sexscapades, drinking and bullying among hardcore partisan lawyers, judges and civil service servants?
Being the Hamilton County Prosecutor means more than playing Law & Order among cowboy cops or merely keeping tight reins on a predominantly white and male department. Ever heard of character?
Just think. If Collins hadn't blown, um, the whistle on Allen's sexual behavior, most of us would've never known that he's been using the wrong head to make decisions all these years. Now that we do, there's only one thing left for Allen to do: Go away.
And take your Jerry Springer Show Home Game with you.
Kathy's collection of columns, Your Negro Tour Guide: Truths in Black and White, is available in bookstores now.