Dear Valued Customer,
It happens all the time. To busy people. To smart people. To important people. In other words, to people like you. Imagine: You're anxiously awaiting a certain phone call. Hours pass. Every time your cell phone rings you think, This is it. But it's not. Then -- at last! -- the call you've been expecting finally comes through and, doesn't it just figure, you're dead! Deceased. On the other side. And seemingly unreachable.
Well, not anymore. Not with new EternaTouch Wireless from Verizon. EternaTouch Wireless means you'll never again miss a call because you've ceased to exist. Never, ever, ever, again. For all eternity.* And isn't that what a busy, smart, important person like you wants? What you need? Cellular phone service that doesn't treat the end of your life like it's the end of the world.
EternaTouch is the perfect solution for the dedicated cell phone user. Or for anyone who shudders at the thought of silence, of solitude, of being "permanently disconnected." With EternaTouch, you'll stay in constant contact with the quick and the dead. Talk with friends and family, coworkers and colleagues, the familiar and the tangential, regardless of which side of the river Styx they happen to be on. And only EternaTouch makes it possible to go into the great unknown with a name you know and trust -- Verizon.
Best of all, EternaTouch requires no religious conversion, no change of faith whatsoever on your part. We fully recognize and service all major and minor religions, all traditional and progressive belief systems, even lunatic cults. So whether you're monotheistic or polytheistic, fundamentalist Christian or fundamentalist Muslim, Abyssinian Baptist to Zoroastrian, we've got a calling plan designed for your specific interpretation of post-life living. Plus, sign up by June 30, 2004, and you'll get a free Nokia Xpire** phone.
As an EternaTouch subscriber, you can also rest assured that no matter where in the afterlife you end up you'll always have a heavenly connection with clear digital quality.
Because we've got the astral plane covered. Covered with the most extensive cellular network in the business -- our exclusive Techtoplasmic Network. It's a comprehensive, full-coverage grid that gives beyond the grave the crystal clarity of right next door. Or put another way: Yea, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no static, dropped calls or roaming charges.
But clear, dependable connections are really just the beginning. EternaTouch Wireless also has all the features you could pray for in a next world wireless calling plan. And then some. Like:
· Hell Messaging: Busy stoking the furnaces of Hell? Up to your forehead in a lake of fire? Mouth perpetually full from being force-fed pig feces? With Hell Messaging, your callers can leave voice mail and you can pick it up whenever, if ever, you find it convenient.
· Unlimited Limbo Minutes: Your stay in Limbo will be less so when you're connected to friends and family. And since your minutes are unlimited, you can talk till Kingdom come. Literally.
· Free Multiple Phones for Martyrs: Muslims who have sacrificed their lives for their beliefs are eligible to receive a free phone for each virgin¥ that will be theirs in Heaven.
· Over 300 Downloadable Musical Rings: From nocturnes to dirges. Dead Kennedys to Dead Can Dance. "Dem Bones" to "Last Kiss." Richie Valens to Kurt Cobain.
We've thought of everything! We can even customize EternaTouch for people who, rather than an afterlife, look forward to another life. That is, for believers in the transmigration of souls. We call it the ReincarNationwide Calling Plan. Quite simply, it means that wherever you turn up again, whenever you turn up again, your wireless service will still be with you. Even better, you keep your existing phone number in perpetuity, so no matter how many times you come back, no matter what you come back as, the people who need to can always reach whoever or whatever you are.
Pass all this up, and you'll live to regret it. Because EternaTouch is a tele-paradise that's absolutely perfect for absolutely everyone.§ A cellular service that announces to this world and the next that breathing your final breath should not, must not, shall not stand in the way of your life-affirming phone conversations. A plan that's doesn't ask, "Death, where is thy sting?" but instead proclaims, "Death. Give it a ring."
Ready to get on board? Call 1-800-U-SO-DEAD or stop into your nearest Verizon store to get with the plan.
EternaTouch Wireless. Some obsessions don't deserve to die.
Vice-President, Wireless Communications, Unearthly Sphere Division
* Minimum contract period required. EternaTouch monthly fees deducted from a dedicated electronic bank account that must be established by subscriber at least one (1) day pre-mortem. Account deductions begin on first business day after death and are not subject to probate. See your Verizon representative for details.
** This wireless plan requires the use of a Nokia Xpire wireless phone. Only the Nokia Xpire can be transitioned/carried into the next realm. Cochlear implant of the receiver and oral surgery to install tongue-operated touch-tone dialing crowns and caps extra. Price quoted is for phone only.
¥ Maximum of 72 virgin phones per martyred soul.
§ Atheists excluded; agnostics evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: firstname.lastname@example.org. His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, will be published later this summer.