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Threesomes are the loneliest numbers

By Dan Savage · May 19th, 2004 · Savage Love
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I'm in a fairly new relationship. We've been together a year. The sex is great, but I worry that my guy will never be satisfied with just me. In his last relationship he had lots of girl-girl-guy threesomes. I'm no prude and am glad that he had a great time with his ex, but I've never been in a threesome with someone I cared about (that doesn't sound good, does it?) and don't think I could handle seeing my current guy with another woman. My question is this: Do you think that someone who's had threesomes on a regular basis truly likes them? Do you think he'll still want to have them? Will he be able to be happy with just one person? I'm open for just about anything else -- bondage, porn, sex in public, whatever -- but not the threesome thing.

-- K
P.S. His last girlfriend left him for a woman. I'm hoping he's looking for someone who really loves dick this time.

There's an important detail missing from your letter, K, one weensy, teensy bit of information that would go a long way toward shaping my response. Namely, how does your boyfriend feel?

It's clear how you feel about threesomes -- threatened, remorseful, no longer interested in 'em -- but you don't drop a single hint about your boyfriend's attitude toward (A) the threesomes he's had in the past and (B) the threesomes he won't be having so long as he's with you. Does he miss them? Does he pressure you to get with the whole girl-girl-guy program? Is he constantly whining about how much he misses having one girl sit on his face while another sits on his dick? If the answers to these questions are yes, yes and yes, he's an asshole and you should dump him immediately. But if the answers to these questions are no, no and no, the problem here is yours, not his.

If you don't know how he feels, you need to find out. When you discuss the issue, K, make it clear that being in an LTR with you means going without threesomes for the LT. Considering that his ex-girlfriend left him for another woman, it's entirely possible that the threesomes were staged for his ex-girlfriend's benefit (i.e., to scratch her lesbo itch). He might have enjoyed them -- that would be highly likely -- but they might not be his ultimate fantasy or anything he's all that interested in doing again, particularly in light of how things turned out last time. But only he has the answer to these questions.

I'm a gorgeous 23-year-old male who could easily have won your tighty-whitey contest.

That being said, I suffer from a great deal of sexual insecurities. Where to begin? I grew up in a sexually repressed Christian home, so from puberty to present I've been addicted to pornography in an attempt to escape my repression. This has led to some sexual difficulties (i.e., premature ejaculation). To add to the problem, I was sexually abused by two older males at different times when I was a teenager. To top it all off, I recently experienced a major lower-back injury that's left me in a somewhat long-term convalescence without the ability to engage in any hip-grinding activity. So my problem is that I don't know how in God's name to find a partner who has the grace to help me through this mire. I've been getting professional help for the abuse for some time now, which has brought me to a place where I'm ready to deal with things, but every time I find a woman I like I frighten her off with the intensity of my need and the complexities of my situation. When women meet me, all they see is a gorgeous young stud, and they expect results.

-- Frustrated and Lonely

If you're gorgeous at 23, FAL, the kind of guy who at 23 could easily win a tighty-whitey contest (prove it: e-mail pictures to mail@savagelove.net), the kind of guy who at 23 women see as a result-spewing stud, then you're going to be a gorgeous, tighty-whitey-contest-winning, studly-result-spewing guy at 25. If you refrain from overeating (sorry, fatties), smoking cigarettes (sorry, stinkies) and drinking and drugging to excess (sorry, um, drunkies and druggies), you'll most likely be a gorgeous, tighty-whitey-contest-winning, studly-result-spewing guy at 30, 35 and 40. So worry more for now about your back, your ejaculation problems and your mental health and less about scoring a girlfriend.

If the intensity of your need and the complexity of your situation are scaring women away from a good-looking guy like you, FAL, it should be clear that you're not really ready to date yet. You don't have to be completely healthy or healed to be date-worthy -- my God, who would qualify? -- but you do need to be somewhat presentable and your shit needs to be reasonably together. Get sloggin', FAL.

My problem can be summed up in two words: Hate condoms. I'm a straight male college student who recently broke up with his girlfriend of nearly two years, and I'm finding it hard getting back out there to play the field. My ex was on the pill, so I never once had to use a condom when I was with her. But now that I'm getting with random girls, I'm forced to wrap the tool. And for whatever reason, when I wear a condom I can't come. I have no problems getting it up, but pulling one off is the problem. Any words of wisdom, ideas, tips, etc.?

-- Insert Witty Name Here

My answer summed up in two words: Suffer bitch. Until you have a steady girlfriend -- until you're with a non-random, pill-poppin' woman you trust who also trusts you -- you're just going to have to settle for wrapping the tool and a sub-optimal sexual experience. Explain to the next random girl you're banging that you have a hard time coming with a condom on and that you'll have to "finish yourself off." Then fuck the random girls until they come, pull out, take off the condom and finish yourself off with your own right hand.

This is sub-optimal, as I've already pointed out, but there are always trade-offs, IWNH. When you're in a sexually exclusive LTR with someone who doesn't have an STD and is on the pill, then you don't have to use condoms. When you're with someone random -- and enjoying the kind of thrills that only random sex provides -- you do. If you really hate condoms, if they absolutely ruin sex for you, then you have a huge incentive to get back into a stable LTR with a nice, pill-poppin', non-random girl.

Just a thanks for the GLH Backlash column. You were absolutely right, Dan. I'm in decent shape, but I would need to cut out beer and chocolate to achieve any sort of "show-offable" stomach. Not going to happen. I work out to keep enjoying my vices, thank you very much. So my stomach, while not exactly drooping over my belt, stays under my shirt. If only 99 percent of low-rise wearers had as much self-awareness. I know you can't possibly reply to all of them, but I'd love to see more of the GLH responses. How about a link to an extra page of such letters?

-- Angelos

I love to see my readers smile, Angelos, so I've posted tons of responses to the GLH columns at www.thestranger.com/special/GLH.

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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