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Going In-Santorum

By Dan Savage · December 3rd, 2003 · Savage Love
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I was listening to the radio today, and Rick Santorum was mentioned. The frst thought that popped into my head was, "Santorum? That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex?" and not, "Santorum? That conservative prick?" Your column has worked the new meaning so far into my brain that it pops up frst!
-- Santorum Hits in Total

Thanks for sharing, SHIT, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Many people have written in to say that "frothy mix" pops to mind frst whenever they hear Sen. Santorum's name on the news, which they've been hearing a lot lately, what with Sen. Santorum busily undermining abortion rights and bemoaning gay marriage.

Some of the mail is from readers who are angry about this popping effect. These readers are sick to death of reading about santorum -- the senator and the stain -- in my column. To the santorumphobes out there, I say this: There are other advice columns out there -- fne examples of the genre, from the Ethicist in The New York Times to Dear Prudence on Slate to Real Estate Reality Check in The Vashon Island Beachcomber -- and none of these columns would touch santorum with a 10-foot pole. (I can't, however, vouch for none of the columnists themselves ever having left santorum on a 10-foot pole.) Santorumphobes in need of an advice fx are welcome to read one of these other fne columns this week and then return to Savage Love next week, because this week's column is awash in santorum.

But after this week -- I swear to God! -- I will not discuss santorum at any length again. The word may come up -- this is a sex-advice column, after all -- but I will never again defne the term in disgusting detail. We all know what it means now. Beginning next week, my efforts to spread the word will move to a dedicated Web site, the address of which appears at the end of this column. But frst I want to tend to these santorum-related, uh, loose ends....

Just an FYI from the folks selling a line of santorum T-shirts: We've had a few orders for santorum shirts from people who work in Senate offces for U.S. senators! I don't think Rick Santorum is very popular with his colleagues. I'm smiling right now, envisioning Santorum strolling past a Senate aide wearing a "SANTORUM: The frothy mixture that says I love you" T-shirt in the hallowed halls of our nation's Capitol. "Frothy mixture" is our most popular shirt (available at www.extraugly.com).

If you run this letter, sign me....

Politicians Out of Private Stuff

P.S. Did you get the shirts we sent you?

I got the shirts, POOPS, and thanks. I've been wearing my "Santorum Tastes Like Shit" shirt to the gym, where I'm the envy of the assembled homos. Speaking of people who work for U.S. senators....

As a congressional staffer here in Washington, D.C., I have to keep myself from giggling every time I pass Rick Santorum in the Capitol, but that's not the point of this e-mail. I typed "Santorum" into Google to see for myself, and I noticed that the page right after your column has a great summary quote: "Rick Santorum had only been in the senate for a few weeks when Bob Kerrey, then Senator from Nebraska, pegged him."

-- AC

Former Sen. Bob Kerrey didn't peg Santorum in the Savage Love sense of the word, AC. (Kerrey can't, of course, as pegging by defnition is a woman fucking a man with a strap-on dildo.) On the political Web site CounterPunch, Jeffrey St. Clair claims Kerrey "pegged" Santorum by saying of his new colleague, "Santorum, that's Latin for asshole." If he said it, Kerrey was ahead of the curve on Santorum.

I've heard you use "santorum" only in reference to gay anal sex. Does it apply to straight butt sex too?

-- I Love Straight Anal

Straight people have anuses, don't they? Butt? Of course! And guess what? Straight people pump out a hell of a lot more santorum than gay people.

Let's crunch some numbers: The best estimate of the number of gay-identifed men in the United States and Canada is 3 percent of the male population, or roughly 4.5 million cock-hungry males out of a population of 300 million men and women. According to The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, 1994), 10 percent of straight men and 9 percent of straight women surveyed reported engaging in anal sex, which works out to more than 50 million straight people buttfucking their brains out. (My figures include children and the aged who, for the purposes of this column, shall be regarded as future straight buttfuckers or retired straight buttfuckers.)

The Chicago study was conducted a decade ago, and the number of straight people engaging in anal sex has, without a doubt, skyrocketed since then, thanks to anal porn, the growing popularity of pegging and Trent Ford. Clearly the amount of santorum produced in North America annually by gay men, ILSA, is but a trickle compared to the tsunami of santorum produced by straight folks.

A former bartender, I wanted to do my part to popularize "santorum," so this straight man concocted a recipe for the Santorum Shot: 1/2 oz. dirty-ass well vodka; 1/2 oz. crème de cacao (dark); a dash of cream; a healthy splash of seltzer water (soda water might work). Place hand over top of shot glass, slam on table and voilà! A frothy brownish mixture. Tell your bartenders you want a santorum!

-- Santorum Haters Open Wide

A friendly bartender whipped up a Santorum Shot for me, SHOW. It looked appropriately disgusting but tasted absolutely divine! I recommend them!

I work in the flm business in Toronto and recently worked on the Dawn of the Dead remake, with Zack Snyder directing. We were shooting a scene with Sarah Polley and Jake Weber in which they were supposed to be drinking horrible coffee and commenting to each other of its foul taste. I implored Zack to do one take using the term "santorum" in reference to the coffee. The scene was brilliant with the term, and I told Zack that if he kept it in the movie he'd be making a great contribution to society -- and think of all the gossip on the message boards!

At the wrap party, they played a blooper reel. When they showed the scene with Jake referring to his coffee tasting like "santorum," half the room exploded with laughter and the other half begged to be let in on the joke. I wanted you to know that Hollywood is behind you, Dan.

-- Rusty in Toronto

If the "santorum" scene doesn't make it into the new Dawn of the Dead, RIT, I hope Zack Snyder can be persuaded to at least include the santorum scene on the DVD. Pretty please, Zack?

And now ... the new Web site, where santorumphiles can track the spread of santorum, thus sparing santorumphobes from ever having to read "that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" in my column ever again. Santorum sightings, links to sites that mention santorum, information on getting the word into The Oxford English Dictionary and much, much more can be found at www.spreadingsantorum.com.

Dan Savage's newest book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah, is available now in paperback.

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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