What should I be doing instead of this?
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Letters From The Beach

By Dan Savage · July 23rd, 2003 · Savage Love

Dear Readers: I'm on vacation. I'm actually sitting on the beach as I write these words, knocking back margaritas and watching my boyfriend's tan lines come in. But you know what? I'm still thinking about you and your problems. I'm always thinking about you and your problems -- and isn't that just like me? While I might get two weeks off during the summer, I know your problems don't take two weeks off. So despite being on vacation, despite my impaired state and despite my boy-friend's tan lines, I'm still here to help.

But I was mindful of the fact that I would be writing this column in an impaired state, so a few weeks ago I began banking DTMFA letters. Not only are these the most common letters advice columnists receive -- we have to be careful not to let our columns fll up with them -- but DTMFAs are also the easiest ones to answer. Any idiot could answer DTMFA letters -- in his sleep, smashed on tequila, high on crack, whatever. But the people who sent in the letters below didn't ask just any idiot; they asked this idiot ...

For the last three-and-a-half years, I've been in a semi-relationship with someone I met when he just got out of rehab.

I stayed while he relapsed, went to prison and went back through rehab. He's relapsed again. When I try to leave, he tells me he needs me for stability or else he'll end up dead. I'm emotionally and fnancially drained. Am I addicted to him, or am I just completely stupid?

-- Addicted to Love

You're not completely stupid, ATL, since you had the sense to ask someone to tell you to dump the motherfucker already! (DTMFA!) Trust me, he won't end up dead. Like all user/addict/asshole/bastards, your dumped motherfucker will quickly fnd some other fool to use and abuse. DTMFA!

I went snooping in my long-term girlfriend's inbox and found that she's a member of an Internet matchmaking service. Her profle was searching for men within 25 miles of her city. I currently live 600 miles from her city. While I'm out of sight, is she looking? We've been together for 18 months, and this profle was set up 139 days ago. Do I have a right to bring it up since I was snooping? She did give me the password to her inbox, practically daring me to go there. The larger issue here is that she's told me that she cheated on every one of her serious boyfriends. According to her I'm "different," so she wouldn't dream about cheating on me, but can I believe that shit?

-- I Know This Is Boring

She told you she's cheated on all her boyfriends, she's currently advertising her ass online, and she gave you her password so you would fnd out about it! What does she have to do -- send you a videotape? DTMFA, IKTIB!

I've fallen in love with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've been together for a year and a half. I'm having some doubts about his honesty. We planned our frst vacation, just the two of us. Somehow it ends up that his buddy is going with us. I work four nights a week, which he usually spends with his buddy. He has now started spending some nights I don't work with his buddy. Also, I've found he has been on my computer many times looking at gay porn on the Internet. When we have sex we are very creative and experimental, but we have sex only three or four times a month. When I try to initiate sex more often he gets giggly and pushes me away. When I asked, he strongly denied having any gay feelings. Are my suspicions out of line or is he keeping secrets?

-- Demanding Real Explanations Without Lies

Is he keeping secrets? Gee, I don't know, DREWL. Perhaps the man you plan on spending the rest of your life with is a glamorous jewel thief or a young wizard or is personally hiding Iraqi weapons of mass destruction in his colon. About the only thing we know about your fancé for sure is this: He's a big, fat, screaming homo! He doesn't much like having sex with you, he's got a "special" buddy, he's downloading gay porn and he's "giggly"? If he's trying to keep his homosexuality secret, he's not trying too damn hard. DTMFA!



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