What should I be doing instead of this?
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Particular kind of stimulation

By Dan Savage · July 16th, 2003 · Savage Love
Ryan Greis

Remember how one time (or maybe two) you warned a guy (while remaining masturbation-positive) not to condition his body to come only in response to a particular kind of stimulation? I believe -- 'cause I looked 'em up -- your exact words were, "If you hold your cock in a death grip every time, you may find it difficult to climax as the result of other, more subtle sensations."

Well, unfortunately, I read your excellent advice too late. About 30 years too late. So now, while women think it's cool that I can "stay hard all night," they eventually start to get a complex about the fact that, though they're having orgasms galore, they can't seem to make me come. It's not them of course. It's the years and years of death-grip masturbation.

Help me, Dan. What can I do to climax in response to "more subtle sensations?"

-- A Big Fan

You'll have to swear off the death grip forever, ABF, if you want your penis to respond to more subtle sensations. When you jerk off, use a light touch and let it take as long as it takes -- and it might take a while. When you're with a woman, give her orgasms galore and when it's time for you to come -- the moment you're used to taking matters into your own hands and finishing yourself off with the death grip -- force yourself to use her body or her mouth or, if you must use your own hand, use that same light touch you've been practicing with when you beat off.

If you don't come, well, tough shit, you don't get to come. To avoid giving the women you're with complexes, warn them in advance that you're trying to retrain your penis. While this approach might be frustrating in short run, in the long run only this approach -- a light touch, a firm resolve and consistent denial -- will kick your dick's dormant nerve endings into gear.

Then again, your problem might not be fixable, ABF, because your penis, after 30 years of abuse, might be too far gone. If that's the case, you might have to accept your fate, adjust and deal. Fuck your girlfriends until they're satisfied, then pull out, use the death grip and when you've reached the point of no return, stuff it back in her. If your girlfriends complain or develop complexes, you can accuse them of enforcing a sexist double standard.

There are lots of women out there who can't come from vaginal intercourse alone. Most women, in fact, require more intense, focused stimulation -- oral, fingers, vibrators -- in order to get off. And according to my dog-eared copy of Sex Advice Columns: Standards and Practices, I'm supposed to come down like 10 tons of shit on men who make these women feel guilty about needing more stimulation than penises alone can provide. It seems to me that if women who require the female equivalent of the death grip aren't supposed to feel bad, then men like you, ABF, shouldn't have to feel bad either.

During sex with my boyfriend, I can't have an orgasm. By myself I can have an orgasm in a minute or less without even touching myself: I just put my legs together and pulse, not anything I can do with a partner, unfortunately. We've been having sex for eight months now almost every day, yet I still haven't had a single orgasm. It's not that he can't keep it up long enough. It's not a trust issue, because I trust him more than anyone, and he always makes me feel good in bed and always makes me feel really sexy. He's very attractive and has a good-sized penis, so what's wrong with me? I'm not worried about STDs because he's been checked, and I'm on the pill so pregnancy never even enters my mind. Please help, I just want to have an orgasm with the man I love.

-- Wanting Orgasm

Here's a case in point, ABF. According to Sex Advice Columns: Standards and Practices, I'm supposed to tell WO not to stress about it, to accept her body and the way it responds and to incorporate what works for her -- pulsing off -- into the sex she has with her boyfriend. But nowhere in Standards and Practices am I instructed to give men similar advice. And I think that's fucked up, don't you?

Anyway, WO, here's my advice: If you can make yourself come when you're alone, you can make yourself come when you're with your boyfriend. Who says you can't pulse with a partner? If your good-looking, sweet, sensitive, hung 19-year-old boyfriend will do anything for you in bed -- and is there a more beautiful sentence fragment in the whole English language than "good-looking, sweet, sensitive, hung 19-year-old boyfriend who'll do anything for you in bed"? -- he should be willing to watch you make yourself come. He'll probably get off on watching you pulse off.

Once you're good and comfortable pulsing off in front of him, you can progress to having him hold you while you pulse off, then to you pulsing off while he performs orally on you and finally to pulsing off while he's inside you.

contact dan savage: mail@savagelove.net


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