What should I be doing instead of this?
Home · Articles · Columns · Pseudoquasiesque · Christmas Stalkings

Christmas Stalkings

By Bob Woodiwiss · November 29th, 2001 · Pseudoquasiesque
As a social gadabout, inveterate bon vivant and all-around man of good cheer, this is the time of year I live for. Because from about now 'til Jan. 2, the good times will roll. With parties, events, activities, shows, you name it. My calendar is already filling up ...

Dec. 3: Tree Lighting Ceremony/Meanest Man Contest. Touchy-feely event meets touchy-hurty event as the baddest, toughest, rough-and-tumbliest brutes in these parts battle each other in a round robin of no-holds-barred bouts, with the last man standing earning the privilege of throwing the switch that lights up the city's 70-foot Norwegian spruce Christmas tree. Billed as "Bloody Merry."

Dec. 5: The Nutcracker. My 12th consecutive year to see this classic of cinematic hardcore porn. Starring the vicelike vaginal stylings of Musti Tang in the title role and Lance DeLance as the Nutcrakee.

Dec. 9: Why Isn't My Birthday a Holiday? Oliver Stone, the generously ego'd auteur of such films as Platoon, Salvador, JFK and Nixon, finally comes to television (HBO) as writer/director/host of his own holiday special. Shot entirely at Stone's ranch near Telluride, he's joined by family and special guest stars for seasonal songs and his own inimitable style of bellicose brooding. Stone duets with Johnny Mathis on SlayRide (Vietnam Christmas, 1968) and he's backed by The Directors Guild Choir on All I Want For Christmas is $200 Million, No Studio Bullshit, Final Cut, a 2000 Screen Opening and 20 Percent of the First-Dollar Gross. The show's most curious moment has Stone bullying guest Bishop Desmond Tutu into agreeing that the performance he (Stone) got out of Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers is a greater miracle than the virgin birth.

Dec. 12: WattFest. A spectacular event held at the local zoo featuring over 1 million colored lights in seven different display zones. Like CorneaCopia, a dazzling display of brilliantly popping, flashing, coursing bulbs that challenges visitors to walk all the way through without suffering permanent eye damage. And don't miss WasteLand, a salute to America's profligate energy consumption, dominated by a giant tote board covered with several thousand high wattage bulbs that ticks off in real time how many barrels of electricity-generating oil the tote board is wasting. Plus much more ...

Dec. 15: Colonial America Christmas. This captivatingly accurate re-creation of a New England village circa 1750 promises to transport visitors to another time and place. Witness the fun and frivolity of children playing an old fashioned game of "Hit the Starving Cur Harde With a Sticke." Enjoy a hearty buffet of authentic holiday dishes of the time like creamed tobacco and roasted lean cur. Then peruse and buy reproductions of Pilgrim gift items, including lengths of crude twine, hand-stitched scarlet "A" T-shirts and do-it-yourself cur-hitting stick kits.

Dec. 20: Malcolm X-mas. I'm dying to see the national touring company of this groundbreaking musical. The story's set in the late-'60s and revolves around the civil rights fight to bring the first black Santas to America's shopping malls. The score features the ballad, "They Call Me Mister Saint Nick," as well as the thought-provoking "Who Will Integrate the Snow?" and the breakout Rap single "Yo' Fat Man Ain't the Black Man's Phat Man, White Man."

Dec. 21: Winter Solstice Sister-bration. One of my favorite events of the season, as Wiccans congregate to perform their secret, hallowed rites. (Not that I attend. But what I find so wonderful is that for one entire evening, most of the city's lonely, overweight women with bad hairstyles are in a single, avoidable place.)

Dec. 24: Christmas Eve Un-Open House. As is tradition, family and friends will gather in my sister's front yard after being thrown out of the house by her violent and abusive hulk of a husband.

Dec. 25: Christmas Day. The day begins with the exchange of gifts with my loved ones. My dog will have left me one on the kitchen floor. My cat will have left me one in the litter box. My fish will have theirs floating for me in their tank. I will give each of them my own human version of the same gift, but I'll give them theirs handsomely boxed and wrapped.

Dec. 31: New Year's Blackin' Out Eve. Long recognized as "Amateur Night" because of the vast number of under-experienced drinkers in bars, at parties and on the roads, I've made sure I won't be bothered by such types this year. New Year's Blackin' Out Eve is an open bar blast for non-amateurs only and, to be admitted, requires proof of having ditched at least two rehab programs during calendar year 2001.

Jan. 1: Dominant Culture Gloating Day. Sponsored by several area white Christian groups, attendees gather and talk about how Christmas, once again, kicked Hanukkah, Ramadan and Kwanzaa's collective holiday ass. ©



comments powered by Disqus