WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
Home · Articles · Columns · Pseudoquasiesque · Pictures at an Execution

Pictures at an Execution

By Bob Woodiwiss · March 29th, 2001 · Pseudoquasiesque
0 Comments
     
Tags:
­ I'm ready to veg a little.

­ I hear ya. Me, too. TV?

­ Absolutely. (click)

­ Tonight at 9, it's the funniest Raymond yet as Ray bets Robert that he can stop emotionally battering Deborah, only to wind up physically battering her instead. You can bet that before he's done, the whole family'll be in stitches. Your family, too. On Everybody Loves... (click)

­ ...for $125,000: My manner is most often described as: A) grating, B) tedious, C) insincere or D) marginally preferable to Kathi Lee's... (click)

­ ...side effects may include elephantiasis, lupus, Lou Diamond Phillips disease, your liver falling out of your rectum, dance fever and total indifference to pharmacological side effects...

­ Come on. Stop clicking and let's actually watch something. Where's the schedule?

­ Wait. Wait. I just remembered. Dead Man Airing is on tonight.

­ ...?

­ The McVeigh execution! 'S on Fox. (click)

­ ...of course, if any of our viewers doubt it ­ and I'm thinking specifically about our young, school-age viewers ­ what we're going to see here tonight would seem to conclusively prove that crime, particularly this kind of crime, does not pay.

­ That's right, Britt. And let me just add that despite what some news organizations are reporting, the money Tim McVeigh is being paid for wearing the custom orange Nike jumpsuit is going into a victim's reimbursement fund and not into his own pocket.

­ Right you are, Shepard. While we wait for the convicted "Sooner Ka-Boomer" to be lead into the Death Chamber, let me ask you, I know you had a chance to talk to him earlier today, tell me, what was his mood like?

­ When I talked to him in his cell, he seemed loose, mentally prepared, not looking too far ahead, which, I think, shows that this is a young man who, regardless of some unquestionably questionable judgement in the past, right here, right now, has his head screwed on ri...

­ Let me interrupt you there, Shepard. Charlton Heston is now stepping up to the podium to deliver a dramatic reading of the charges against Timothy McVeigh...

­ How long is this on?

­ 'Til 11.

­ Jesus! They're gonna drag this out for another two-and-a-half hours!? Come on, let's watch something else until, like, quarter to 11 and come back for the arm stick.

­ No way. I read McVeigh's last request is to do a duet with Eminem, and I don't wanna miss that.

­ ...joined in the booth by the man many speculate will be the Republicans' next candidate for Governor of California and who's blockbuster action-comedy There's a Bomb in the Pants of the Girl in My Soup opens Friday, Arnold Schwartzenegger. Welcome.

­ Thank you, Britt.

­ You're obviously pro-death penalty, Arnold, or you wouldn't be here. Anything you'd care to tell Timothy McVeigh, either as a potential gubernatorial candidate or as someone who's sent hundreds of film villains to their final rewards?

­ Well, Britt, I suppose the politician in me would tell him, "You won't be back." On the other hand, speaking Terminator to Terminatee, I'd say, "Hasta la vista, baby killer."

­ I understand you came close to cashing in your chips while filming your new movie with Drew Barrymore. Tell us about th...?

­ This is so lame. Flip to King of Queens...

­ If you'd rather watch an unfunny fat guy in shorts than a "live" death, I have serious doubts about the future of this relationship.

­ We agreed we were going to veg. You think an execution is vegging?

­ Hey, if McVeigh's down with it, why shouldn't I be down with it?

­ Yeah, well, can we at least turn down the sound?

­ Inna sec.

­ ...go live, via satellite, to London's Wembley Stadium, where, in front of a sellout crowd, Elton John will perform a special tribute to the Oklahoma bombing victims with the first remake ever of his touching Diana-inspired remake of Candle in the Wind...

­ Is there anything that guy won't do to attract a spotlight?

­ That's rhetorical?

­ ...the clock continues to count down here outside the death chamber, with just over 67 minutes remaining before the so-called "Murrah Marauder" has to face, if mainstream Western religion has it right, a Judge that can be far harsher than any he's met here in the physical world...

­ That's absolutely true, Britt. And to discuss the fate of this young man's eternal soul, I'm joined now by best-selling author and Fox spiritual consultant, Deepak Chopra...

­ I'm going to bed.

­ But you're gonna miss the big finish.

­ Nah. I'm thinkin' civilization won't end for another two, three weeks. ©

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
Close
Close
Close