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Critics Picks: Critics' Picks

By · March 8th, 2001 · Critics Picks

Thursday 8
Maybe you'd think AVENUE X was the street of porno make-believe, where Tracy Lords lives with John Holmes in their white picket fence house with their kids, Neil and Bob. And if you keep thinking this way, you'd probably get to wondering if it's the place where all those classically trained actors and actresses get dubbed with really interesting names like Lady Slot Machine or Lord Freaky-Deaky. Well, we can't say why you're so sick in the head, 'cause it's actually a sweet little Doo-Wop ditty about folks just trying to get along. That's all we're thinking about. (See Onstage.)

Saturday 10
It might sound exclusive. It might sound expensive. It might appear to be on the artsy-fartsy side of the film spectrum. It might even be a great place to pick up chicks. But one thing is for sure: The CINCINNATI WOMEN'S FILM FESTIVAL is the best place to stare at women on a movie screen. And it's in our pricer range: Free. (See Events.)

Sunday 11
Bring the whole family down to eat some PANCAKES IN THE WOODS.

Now we know many parents out there used to head for the woods in their hydroponically-grown college days. But give it a chance. Hey, you never know. After eating of few granola flapjacks covered in tree sap, you might spot the wily polka-dotted Snuffleupagus doing a frightening yet fascinating snuffle polka. Or you could just spend your time staring lovingly at the microcosmic eternity of an ordinary pine cone. Whatever you decide to do, have a blast. And remember, the kids will love it. (See Events.)

Monday 12
He just doesn't get enough attention these days, but we remember him when he was the tight-ass-leather-pants-wearing, felt-top-hat-sporting, hairless chest-fronting, cigarette from his lips-dangling SLASH. Oh, wait a minute -- he's still all that. But now he's much more, 'cause he's got a new posse, The Snake Pit. Slash's got a thing about snakes, we hear, but reptophobic Billy Bob Thornton knows best since he bought Slash's old house and didn't know a pit full of pregnant snakes was in the basement. Fried eggs, anyone? (See Music.)

Tuesday 13
We just finished Bockfest. For Labor Day we get Riverfest. Then there's Oktoberfest. But have you ever heard of MARRIAGEFEST? Well, it's come to Cincinnati at last. And it's going to be big, big, big. An insane crowd of 100,000 screaming marriage fans will get high on nuptial bliss. Special guest appearances by DJ Shotgun, JP and Eternal Bonds, MC Ball-and-Chain and The Mighty Mighty Alimonies. Don't miss it. (See Literary.)

Wednesday 14
Say all you want about 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND, but how can you go wrong putting lamb-chops, sequins and Dapper Dan hair grease on oldsters like Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner? Impersonating Elvis is what all screen stars secretly want to do. And all actresses want to show their thongs to Elvis. If you think about it, you know we're right: Look at Courtney Cox Arquette. From her pre-anorexic days on Misfits of Science and Family Ties to her current thespian-lite gig on Friends, we think she's always secretly wanted her 15 minutes with the King. Even if it's just for pretend. (See Film.)



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