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Stop Thinking About Doing it and Do It

By Bob Woodiwiss · June 22nd, 2000 · Pseudoquasiesque
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Bye-bye, Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy ... Whoa. Check out Willie Loman at the newsstand there. Willie Loman? He's fictional. How's some a real guy look like a fictional character? I don't know. I guess, the hunched posture. Old and tired. The sample case. Well, not a sample case, exactly. That thing looks more like a book of carpet samples. Do carpet salesmen make house calls? Probab ... Damn, we should've looked into that before we bought our carpet. Maybe he could've told us that ours was going to show every dog hair the dog shedded. Shedded? Is that the past tense of shed? Or maybe shed is the past tense? OK, then what's the present tense? For that matter, what's the past tense of blow dry? Blown dry? Blow dried? Blew dry? Who would know that that I could ask? ... to the levy but the levy was dry ... Anyway, there's so much damn dog hair, what rug wouldn't show it? But that's the breed. They shed a lot. (That's it, keep it in the present.) But this seems like more shedding than usual. Maybe I should get her checked at the vet. Next week. After I get paid. Oh, man, that's not right. To wait. I gotta ask old Mr. Asshole for a raise. The jerk. I'm going nowhere there. I oughta just quit. ... and good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye ...

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Ever experience this type of thought pattern? Non-productive. Barely interesting. Just enough anxiety to be annoying. Endlessly tangential. Often with a detestable, looping soundtrack. If so, you may be one of the millions of Americans who suffer from hypercognitive discharge (HCD) or "mindless thinking."

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If I take a little bottle of pure black atoms -- carbon, maybe -- and I have some way of putting them on a pure white surface one atom at a time, one right next to the other, but not in a straight line, like in a bunch, a cluster, I wonder how many atoms I have to clump together there before they're is visible to the naked eye?

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"Mindless thinking" doesn't imply an especially high or low IQ.

Or madness. And it's not telling you you're not busy enough. (True, one of the most common, recurring mindless thoughts people have is one which scolds the self for sitting around thinking all the time, i.e., not "doing something," but the point we're making here is that the overall disorder, HCD itself, isn't indicative of a particularly sedentary or stagnant way of life.) No, mindless thinking is indiscriminate. Random. It can afflict anyone with a brain. From a synchrotron physicist to 'N Sync. Symptoms associated with the condition include difficulty relaxing, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, difficulty listening to others, difficulty making decisions and difficulty not getting highly irritated when someone repeats the same noun over and over again even though you know there are plenty of suitable synonyms and can cite three without picking up the Roget's or even trying very hard.

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Hey, you're just here for a drink. You're allowed. If she happens to be here, so what? Just ignore her. No. Wrong. Acknowledge her. But just a nod. No, a wave. Maybe a half-nod and a half-wave. Yeah. Unless she's with somebody. Then ignore her. No, don't even let her see you. No, no, start talking to this babe next to me, and let her see me then. See how she likes that. That's if she's with a guy. If she's with a girlfriend, though, I'll ... Well, if she's with Heather, I'll act like everything's fine, buy them a drink, but if it's that bitch Amy, I'll just look the other way. No, because if Amy sees me, she'll start trashing me, telling Shelly, "Look who's here acting like he's too good to say 'Hello' " and all kinds of shit. So maybe I preempt that with ...

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Today, however, just as medical science has helped the immensely proboscisized with rhinoplasty, the overly bazoomed with breast reduction surgery and the obese with stomach reduction surgery (or Fobi pouch), there's relief for over-thinkers. It's a fast, simple procedure called the Druling Pleat, developed by neurosurgeon and cranial pioneer, Dr. Hera Druling. The Druling Pleat (so-called because of the "notch, fold and suture" technique applied to the patient's front orbital lobe) is a strategic reduction in brain mass designed to eliminate stray thoughts, shrink nagging anxieties, purge pointless rumination. And, in a majority of cases, do it without disturbing problem-solving skills, creativity or motor functions. You get all the upside of thinking with none of the downside. Because now, the only thing you'll hear between your big ideas or accompanying your daily activities is a soft, comforting, innocuous intracranial white noise.

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I want a fifth bowl of ice cream . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My car has been vandalized . . . . . . . . . . . . . The phone is ringing during dinner; I better get it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Time to sleep.

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Best of all, once you have the Druling Pleat, you'll never think about it again. No regrets. No doubts. No concerns. And isn't that the point? To let science take care of your problem, then get on with the rest of your life? (Side effects associated with the Druling Pleat include: mouth-breathing, bowling, mistaking the ottoman for your dog, increased use of public transportation, sudden urges to pass concealed weapon legislation, wearing loafers and no socks, and a diminished grasp of what constitutes medical malpractice.)

The Druling Pleat. Today's easy way to zap the crap right out of your brain.

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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