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Addressed to Kill

By Bob Woodiwiss · May 11th, 2000 · Pseudoquasiesque
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This week, columnist Bob Woodiwiss is away on hiatus (this time on an outpatient basis). The following are excerpts from his recent commencement address to the Class of 2000 at Myron College. MC is located in Speculum, Ohio, and is a small liberal arts school dedicated to teaching the many young men and women in this country named Myron.

"Thank you. Thank you all. First, let me say how honored I am to be here today and express my deepest gratitude and appreciation for your invitation. I know you must be disappointed your first choice for commencement speaker, M*A*S*H's Jamie Farr, had to cancel at the last minute, when he inadvertently landed a gig on Touched by an Angel in a freak booking accident. But believe me when I tell you I'm going do my darnedest to win you puppies over. Meaning I for sure won't be using any more phrases like 'do my darnedest' or 'win you puppies over.' "

· · ·

"I don't mind admitting I'm kind of nervous here. I've never addressed a group this large before. So, if at any point either of you need me to repeat something -- or whatever -- just give me the high sign ... ."

· · ·

"... now one thing I always encourage young people such as yourselves to do is maintain a close, caring relationship with your parents. Because there's nothing else like it. It's a precious bond which should be cherished.

Unless, like me, you were spawned by some whore from hell. I mean, Jesus H. Christ. I couldn't do anything to please that hard-ass bitch. Like there was this one night, I was painting her toenails like I did every Saturday all through high school, and when I finished she told me she could see brush marks and that she hated brush marks and that I should get the nail polish remover and take the polish off and then do them all again and since I'd done her thick, gnarly, piss-yellow nails the same way I'd done them a thousand times before, I said, "Lady, I wouldn't paint those toes again if they were the last 11 toes on earth" and goddamn if things didn't turn real bad real fast and not five minutes later we're throwing all kinds of shit at each other and five minutes after that she's telling me to pack up my hot comb and Fry Daddy and Air Supply records and get the hell out and I haven't seen her since, not for ... not for all these years and ... and ... and ... Oh, Mommy, why couldn't you love me?!"

· · ·

"OK, I know you've heard people say 'life is like a train' and other people say 'life is like a ship' and blahblahblahyakyakyak. But, hey, I give you more credit than that. You're adults. I thought you'd want the real score. So here it is -- transportationally speaking: Life is like driving a Greyhound bus. You're surrounded by losers and creeps and lunatics and assholes that you don't want to know or even be around or use the bathroom after. But -- too bad! -- in order to make a living you're just going to have to keep nodding at all their annoying questions and comments and hold your breath until everybody gets off in Tulsa."

· · ·

"Hey, I'll be back in two minutes. Two minutes, I swear. OK? I gotta go take a whiz ... ."

· · ·

"For God's sake, don't let go of your goals because, regardless of the bus analogy, I honestly believe any one of us can achieve anything we desire. Do you dream of modeling underwear for a regional department store chain? You can. Like to shake Bob Hope's hand? You can -- but hurry. Or do you want to win a multimillion-dollar personal injury suit? You can. Unless those signs on the bus stop benches are lying, and why would they? Why, with enough drive you could even be the next Darryl Strawberry -- you know, if we're talking about the crack and prostitutes and legal problems and stuff. I mean, come on, it's obvious you guys don't have any major league ball in your futures ... ."

· · ·

"In conclusion, let me pose a question. A question, graduates, only you can answer: Would it've killed you to turn off your Game Boys?"

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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