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Laughing all the way to the data bank

By Bob Woodiwiss · March 23rd, 2000 · Pseudoquasiesque
Welcome! This is the Official Year 2000 United States Census of Humor form for everyone at this address. By completing this brief questionnaire, you will not only be fulfilling your legal responsibility, you'll be helping to determine how the this country's supply of guffaws, snickers, sniggers, giggles, snorts, chortles and chuckles will be apportioned and distributed.

All your answers are private and protected by law, though we will pass the really idiotic ones around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.

1a. How many people were residing in this house, apartment or mobile home on January 1, 2000? _____

1b. How many senses of humor reside here? _____

1c. Are there any dependent senses of humor? (For example, does your hearing-impaired grandma only laugh when she sees other people in the house laughing?) Y/N

1d. If someone in this household is without a sense of humor, what is the cause?

__ Born without

__ Over 60

__ Member of the Christian Coalition

__ Never quite recovered from Schindler's List

2. To help us determine your ethnic background, please estimate how many people like you it would take to screw in a lightbulb: ____

3. What is the highest level of education you completed:

__ Turd Grade

__ Grade Sex

__ Sophomoric Year

__ Clown College

__ Master(bator)s Degree


Because of a physical, mental or emotional condition, do you have any problem laughing at strangers with:

__ Physical conditions

__ Mental conditions

__ Emotional conditions

5. Where do you do most of your laughing?

__ The home

__ The workplace

__ The voting booth

6. In your workplace, you direct most of your good-natured humor at:

__ the heartless, brainless bastard known as "the boss"

__ the irritating, lazy shitheads you're forced to work with

__ the bitch who won't go out with you/the asshole that won't stop asking you out

__ the bullshit computer/copier/tool/machine that has the personal vendetta against you

__ the terminal path of unfulfillment and misery your job has condemned you to

7a. Are you presently in the armed forces? Y/N (If no, skip to Question 8a.)

7b. Did you join the armed forces because it was the only way you could think of to see Bob Hope? Y/N

7c. If, during basic training, your drill sergeant asked you "Just what is it you think is so fucking funny, you worthless piece of maggot shit?" were you able to explain it to him in a way that made him smile along with you? Y/N

8a. Have you ever written down any original jokes or humorous anecdotes? Y/N (If no, skip to Question 9.)

8b. Are they kept at the same address this questionnaire came to? Y/N (If no, skip to Question 9.)

8c. Are they readily accessible and unprotected by a security system? Y/N (If no, skip to Question 9.)

8d. Are you a very sound sleeper who is normally in bed between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m.? Y/N (If no, skip to Question 9.)

8e. Are you liable to sue if, sometime in the future, you happen to see them in a newspaper column? Y/N (If no, keep a light on and I love you.)

9. Do you consider Adam Sandler:

__ a stand-up comedian

__ a comic actor

__ a comedy recording artist

__ the most likely next item in the series, "Astroturf ... orthodontia ... a Love Boat marathon ... dead cats ..."

10. A Prairie Home Companion is funniest when it's:

__ on

__ off

11. Check the answer which most accurately reflects your experience: "I have seen every episode of M*A*S*H ..."

__ 1 time

__ 2-4 times

__ 5-7 times

__ please kill me

How many different ways can you make fart noises? ____

Thank you for completing the Year 2000 United States Census of Humor. Please return the form as soon as possible so that we may begin tabulating the results. (We need lots of time; the tab department is lousy with dumb blondes.)



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