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Astronauts get lots in space!

By Christopher Kemp · March 9th, 2000 · Science & Technology
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Did you ever wonder how astronauts pass away the hours as they drift through the cold inky void of space? Yup, that's right: They're doing it.

George Costanza stands corrected. The only thing that beats conjugal visit sex is zero gravity sex.

It's official. And it's officially being denied.

In his new book, The Final Mission, Pierre Kohler claims NASA conducted detailed studies of sexual intercourse between space shuttle crewmembers. As his source, the French author cites Experiment 8 Post Flight Summary: NASA publication 14-307-1792. This document has been leaked to the Internet and can be found at http://fly.hiwaay.net/~src/shuttle.html and numerous other sites.

Investigators used computer simulation to determine the 10 most promising solutions to the problem of optimal sexual position in zero gravity. The lower deck of the shuttle was then cleared for privacy, allowing the astronauts to assess each position. "Six solutions utilized mechanical restraints to simulate the effect of gravity," the reports says, "while the others utilized only the efforts of the experimenters to solve the problem."

For instance, one method used "an inflatable tunnel enclosing and pressing the partners together -- the tunnel enclosed the partners roughly from the knees to the waist and pressed them together with an air pressure of approximately 0.01 standard atmospheres." Sexy. The report includes a description of the results and problems encountered with each method. In summary, sex in space requires an elastic belt the type of which was used for solutions One, Two and Three.

I called NASA.

"There is no truth that NASA has conducted sex in space experiments," said Lori Rachul, a spokeswoman at NASA's Glenn Research Center in Cleveland.

"We have no plans to perform such experiments," she added in a tone that prevented me from asking where I might buy my own inflatable tunnel. Rachul said fertility experiments might have been carried out in "mice and bugs of different types. But I can't imagine that they would be."

I don't believe her.

It's likely that NASA has researched human fertility and sexual function in the absence of gravity. Past studies have analyzed the effects of weightlessness on bone mass, muscle composition, metabolism, aging and a host of other important processes. NASA researchers also have closely studied the psychological effects of the protracted periods of isolation and loneliness necessary for space travel. Findings indicate that the psychological toll of space travel is equal to, and might even exceed, the physiological effects.

Future projects suggest the need for spending longer and longer periods of time in space. NASA also has missions to the moon and Mars tentatively planned to take place after the year 2010. Presumably, NASA even harbors aspirations of building permanent bases on some of these distant planets.

For such ambitious plans to be realized, NASA must have addressed such issues as sexual function and reproduction. They just don't want to tell us. Sex is important. Even to astronauts.

At the time of writing, the International Space Station has been in orbit for approximately 472 days. That's a long time. Your only sources of conversation are three Russian cosmonauts, 12 kilograms of frog spawn and several thousand germinating beans. You fell out with two of the Russians over who gets to sit by the window, the other one ate all the beans, and you've developed quite a rapport with the frog spawn. You call it Troy. It's your best friend. You've got two months left in orbit.

Wouldn't there be some sexual frustration? Just a little? NASA?

"We, as adults, can hopefully have more control," Rachul said.

So much for colonizing distant planets or maintaining good mental and physical health during long periods of weightlessness. It's good to know NASA is keeping up with the times. Control those urges! You'll go blind!

So any astronaut attempting to maintain a physical relationship in space has been thwarted. NASA has diverted another disaster. We can sleep soundly as a multitude of sexless satellites beep and chirrup over our weary heads.

Incidentally, the International Space Station, with its cargo of frustrated heroes, is visible to the unaided eye as it orbits Earth. At NASA's informative Web site (www.nasa.gov) you can even find out when and where it will next appear. From Cincinnati, it was last seen on March 4 at 7.52 p.m. in the north-northwest region of the sky.

But don't worry if you missed it. It'll be around again. Take a look, and don't be surprised if it's rocking.

Did you ever wonder how astronauts pass away the hours as they drift through the cold inky void of space? Yup, that's right: They're doing it.

George Costanza stands corrected. The only thing that beats conjugal visit sex is zero gravity sex.

It's official. And it's officially being denied.

In his new book, The Final Mission, Pierre Kohler claims NASA conducted detailed studies of sexual intercourse between space shuttle crewmembers. As his source, the French author cites Experiment 8 Post Flight Summary: NASA publication 14-307-1792. This document has been leaked to the Internet and can be found at http://fly.hiwaay.net/~src/shuttle.html and numerous other sites.

Investigators used computer simulation to determine the 10 most promising solutions to the problem of optimal sexual position in zero gravity. The lower deck of the shuttle was then cleared for privacy, allowing the astronauts to assess each position. "Six solutions utilized mechanical restraints to simulate the effect of gravity," the reports says, "while the others utilized only the efforts of the experimenters to solve the problem."

For instance, one method used "an inflatable tunnel enclosing and pressing the partners together -- the tunnel enclosed the partners roughly from the knees to the waist and pressed them together with an air pressure of approximately 0.01 standard atmospheres." Sexy. The report includes a description of the results and problems encountered with each method. In summary, sex in space requires an elastic belt the type of which was used for solutions One, Two and Three.

I called NASA.

"There is no truth that NASA has conducted sex in space experiments," said Lori Rachul, a spokeswoman at NASA's Glenn Research Center in Cleveland.

"We have no plans to perform such experiments," she added in a tone that prevented me from asking where I might buy my own inflatable tunnel. Rachul said fertility experiments might have been carried out in "mice and bugs of different types. But I can't imagine that they would be."

I don't believe her.

It's likely that NASA has researched human fertility and sexual function in the absence of gravity. Past studies have analyzed the effects of weightlessness on bone mass, muscle composition, metabolism, aging and a host of other important processes. NASA researchers also have closely studied the psychological effects of the protracted periods of isolation and loneliness necessary for space travel. Findings indicate that the psychological toll of space travel is equal to, and might even exceed, the physiological effects.

Future projects suggest the need for spending longer and longer periods of time in space. NASA also has missions to the moon and Mars tentatively planned to take place after the year 2010. Presumably, NASA even harbors aspirations of building permanent bases on some of these distant planets.

For such ambitious plans to be realized, NASA must have addressed such issues as sexual function and reproduction. They just don't want to tell us. Sex is important. Even to astronauts.

At the time of writing, the International Space Station has been in orbit for approximately 472 days. That's a long time. Your only sources of conversation are three Russian cosmonauts, 12 kilograms of frog spawn and several thousand germinating beans. You fell out with two of the Russians over who gets to sit by the window, the other one ate all the beans, and you've developed quite a rapport with the frog spawn. You call it Troy. It's your best friend. You've got two months left in orbit.

Wouldn't there be some sexual frustration? Just a little? NASA?

"We, as adults, can hopefully have more control," Rachul said.

So much for colonizing distant planets or maintaining good mental and physical health during long periods of weightlessness. It's good to know NASA is keeping up with the times. Control those urges! You'll go blind!

So any astronaut attempting to maintain a physical relationship in space has been thwarted. NASA has diverted another disaster. We can sleep soundly as a multitude of sexless satellites beep and chirrup over our weary heads.

Incidentally, the International Space Station, with its cargo of frustrated heroes, is visible to the unaided eye as it orbits Earth. At NASA's informative Web site (www.nasa.gov) you can even find out when and where it will next appear. From Cincinnati, it was last seen on March 4 at 7.52 p.m. in the north-northwest region of the sky.

But don't worry if you missed it. It'll be around again. Take a look, and don't be surprised if it's rocking.

 
 
 
 

 

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