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Coming Soon (to a Post Office Near You)

By Bob Woodiwiss · July 22nd, 1999 · Pseudoquasiesque

Pity the FBI. The capture of Rafael Resendez-Ramirez, instead of lightening their workload, only increased it. The bureau must now scramble to select and name one lucky criminal to fill the newly created vacancy on the prestigious Ten Most Wanted List. Far from being a simple matter, agents must review the rap sheets of thousands of worthy lowlifes then make their nominations, usually between five and eight candidates. After much lobbying and campaigning, a vote by all full-time employees is held (this one is scheduled for Aug. 3). Here's a look at the field:

· Stewart Harvey Watkins, aka Stewart "Ha-ha, Your Middle Name's 'Harvey" Watkins

The founder and former leader of the campus revolutionary group SMEC (Students for a Much Easier Curriculum) is wanted in connection with a series of bank robberies committed from 1971 to 1976. He left the group shortly thereafter, having amassed over $4 million in stolen money and deciding, in light of this fortune, that he didn't really need a college degree anyway.

· Dr. Martin Philip Penobscot, aka "Daddy"

The known leader of an 8-year old son who's been terrorizing FBI Director Louis Freeh's 7-year old son by calling him "Fart Breath" at school.

· Sahtaid Khala-Mari

Head of the international terrorist organization International Terrorist Organization (ITO). Claims responsibility for a number of criminal political activities, including: In 1975, supergluing that red-checkered tablecloth on Yassir Arafat's head, which he's never been able to get off; in 1979, masterminding the replacent of the real Nancy Reagan with the cold and empty imposter we know today; in 1986, fixing the Pillsbury Bake-Off so that Syrian President Hafez al-Assad would win; in 1999, convincing Dan Quayle he has a realistic shot at the White House.

· Dorothy Jo Trask, aka "That Bitch"

A woman who has long flaunted the 12 item or less limits in supermarket Express Lanes, she's mainly being considered because of the demands of women's right groups to make the Ten Most Wanted List "look more like America's jails."

· Dwight Morris Franklin

Currently wanted as a fugitive, he escaped from the maximum-supreme-ultimate- security prison, Die, Bastards, Die Correctional Facility. A lifelong criminal, he was on death row for beating in the head of his court-appointed psychiatrist with the severed head of his court-appointed lawyer. Ironically, Franklin had been at the center of a recent case in which the electric chair was determined to be cruel and inhuman, thereby winning the right to be the first person executed in the electric La-Z-Boy.

· Randall Lee Spoor

The anti-abortion activist and gun advocate is being sought for illegally supplying automatic weapons to underage fetuses.

· Hector Francisco Jesus Escondido de la Mantillo Fuerte, aka "Hey, you," "Hoozitz," and "HFJE de la MF"

Wanted in connection with the importation of controlled and/or illegal substances into the United States, including but not limited to small yappy dogs, seedless sesame seeds, double-funky James Brown CDs, habeñero hemorrhoid cream, Enrique Iglesias semen, ecstacy (not the drug, the actual emotional condition) and the script for an Annie Potts TV vehicle.



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