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Public Figuring

By Bob Woodiwiss · April 22nd, 1999 · Pseudoquasiesque
Use only a No. 2 pencil. Turn in any scratch paper with your finished test. When done, let's meet at the border and find a way out of here.

1. Laura Pulfer writes a column about one of our "neighbors," on average, 2.3 times per week. Over the past month, you've found yourself touched by her humanity and really caring about her subjects, on average, 1.9 and 1.67 times per week, respectively, up from 0 and 0 times per week, respectively, in preceding months. By what percentage have you recently increased your Prozac dosage?

2. Over the course of its run, The Jerry Springer Show has featured 303 porn queens, 223 strippers, 472 prostitutes, 176 nude models, 91 nymphomaniacs and six inflatable sex dolls. How many STDs has Springer been treated for?

3. Jim Tarbell, stadium activist, spent over $1 million to promote the Broadway Commons initiative. Jim Tarbell, politician, spent over $.5 million in his run for city council. Keeping those figures in mind, how much should Jim Tarbell, person who we all have to look at occasionally because he keeps putting himself in the public eye, be willing to spend for a complete makeover?


A tornado touches down in northern Hamilton County, destroying almost 100 homes. As a result, Tim Hedrick's air-time is more than doubled. If the average home is occupied by 3-6 persons, calculate the total time all the tornado victims have spent thanking God their TVs were destroyed by the storms.

5. A WVXU-FM pledge drive begins at 6 a.m. Monday. If it runs a full seven days, what is the ratio of bona fide pledge calls to the number of death threats made against "Doc" King?

6. Express Mike Brown's charisma as a percentage of the $400 million needed to build Cincinnati's new football stadium. (Hint: Your answer should be a negative number.)

7. Before leaving the District 1 station at 7 a.m., Police Chief Tom Streicher issues 20 clips of ammunition, at six rounds per clip, to 10 pairs of Cincinnati police officers. If one of the officers makes a routine traffic stop, how long will it take all the officers to run out of bullets?

8. Bill Cunningham is alone in the WLW-AM radio studio doing his show. How many running feet of nerve fiber will it take to connect his mouth to a brain?

9. Mary goes to the grocery store and buys a 5-pound box of powdered laundry detergent, a 24-ounce bottle of dishwashing liquid and three different shades of mascara. If all of her purchases are Procter & Gamble products, calculate the number of cat eyelids John Pepper happily ordered amputated in order to bring them to market.

10. Given: Tom carries $200,000 of term life insurance and pays premiums totaling $450/year. Given: Mike carries $200,000 of term life insurance at a cost of $200,000 a year. Using the axiomatic method, prove that Mike works at AK Steel.

11. On a graph where the X-axis represents "Thickness of Skull" and the Y-axis represents "Hours Spent Executing a Comb Over Atop a Thick Skull," plot Steve Chabot. (For those who voted for Mr. Chabot, call for a full explanation of what a graph is.)

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