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(The Body) Politic

By Bob Woodiwiss · February 25th, 1999 · Pseudoquasiesque
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Campaign headquarters. 11:48 p.m. The second Tuesday of November 2006.

"... before I bring out the Governor-elect, I'd like to say a few words to you, his supporters, the people who made this happen.

"You know, when I first signed on to manage this campaign, nobody gave us a chance. They said, 'Mitch Colt 45 doesn't have any experience.' They said, 'Mitch Colt 45 doesn't know the issues.' They said, 'Mitch Colt 45 is a mentally ill alcoholic homeless street person whose name changes to whatever he's drinking at the moment.' And yet, regardless of how completely accurate those statements proved to be, once you and people like you saw Mitch, met Mitch, were entertained by the disjointed, rambling, fervent and toothless mutterings of Mitch, many of you came away saying, 'I believe this wacko derelict would really be a cool governor.' Well, with the inauguration just two months away, you'll soon have the opportunity to see the wisdom of your insight.

"I'd also like to thank each and every one of you for your vote. And let me assure you, whether you cast your vote for Mitch because you hated his Republican and Democratic opponents, because you wanted to 'goof' on the system, because you don't think it makes a damn bit of difference who's governor, or because of his promise to 'piss in the ear of the King of France,' you can't take it back now.

"Believe me, people, this is a night you'll tell your children about. Because tonight the baton of political irony has passed. To us. To this great state. Tonight we tell all who will listen, 'When it comes to electing candidates in irony, with irony and for irony's sake, we are the ones to beat. We are the Media Coverage Promised Land. We have a boffo sense of humor.'

"No longer will our chief executive stand in the shadow of the Professional Wrestling Governor, the Bubble Boy Governor, the Jive-Ass Pimp Governor or even President Village People. And unless there's a strong last-minute turnout for the circus pony that's running for the U.S. Senate in South Carolina, Governor Mitch Colt 45 practically guarantees that we'll remain known for having the finest 'elected curiosity' until the 2008 elections.

"But let's not forget: Mitch Colt 45 is more than a symbolic political nose-tweak. He's a living, breathing, nattering nose-tweak. And as you well know, when Mitch speaks, he has ideas. New, fresh, stimulating, totally insane ideas. Often as not in a private and secret language, but often enough in plain English that there can be no doubt about his agenda. Now, we can only watch as our state legislators grapple with this agenda. And if Mitch's initiatives to genetically alter chickens so they're born with their wings already deep-fried, to educate our children from grade 12 down to kindergarten, to prohibit the state's park animals from wearing fur, to have every aluminum can in the state delivered to him at the governor's mansion, et cetera, all bring the wheels of government to a grinding halt ... well, it's not like anything was getting done anyway.

"But I see the man of the hour is anxious to get out here. So let's hear it for Mitch Colt 45. ... I'm sorry, I'm told that tonight we're welcoming Mitch Olde English 800. ..." ©

 
 
 
 

 

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