WEDNESDAY JULY 9
Iran stepped up its effort in the 2008 War Games today, firing numerous missiles into the air to show that Israel isn't the only defensive Middle Eastern nation with scary weapons. Israel had pissed off Iran last month by practicing how it will bomb Iran's nuclear enrichment facilities if it gets too scared. Despite acting way defensive about the possibility of a U.S. or Israeli attack, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the possibility of an attack on Iran was just a funny joke like when high school boys hit each other in the dick when they're wearing shorts.
THURSDAY JULY 10
Speaking of getting hit in the nuts, someone owed Barack Obama an apology last week for threatening to cut his nuts off and doing a weird stabbing motion to demonstrate the procedure. Jesse Jackson apologized today for saying during a taping of Fox & Friends that he wanted to castrate Obama for talking down to black people. The lifetime civil rights leader, best known for hitting three home runs during Game 6 of the 1977 World Series, learned Wednesday that his weird mumbling was going to be aired on TV that night, so he wrote Obama a letter saying that getting his own nuts cut off by Walter Mondale was the best thing that ever happened to his career.
FRIDAY JULY 11
Kings Island is about to get taxed by the city of Mason and there's nothing the giant amusement park can do about it. According to The Enquirer, Mason city council is planning to enact a 1 percent to 3 percent tax on tickets to touristy places like Kings Island and The Beach Waterpark, and KI has threatened to de-annex from the city over it.
Representatives for the amusement park released the following statement: "When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one amusement park to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with a suburb, a decent respect to the opinions of SpongeBob requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. Don't tax us."
SATURDAY JULY 12
As if high gas prices, rush-hour traffic and Midas radio advertisements aren't reason enough to drive less, a new study has pointed out another really good one: you're less likely to die in a car wreck. The AP today reported the somewhat logical findings by professors at the University of Alabama and Harvard Medical School, who determined that as gas prices rise people drive less and, consequently, fewer die on the roads. The statistical analysis determined that for every 10 percent increase in gas prices since 1985 there has been a 2.3 percent decline in car deaths, with young drivers staying alive at even higher rates because their gas money gets cut out of household budgets first. The professors estimate that today's $4 gasoline will mean 1,000 fewer deaths per month but also noted that society is already trying to make more efficient cars that will allow people to drive the same amount and die at normal rates.
SUNDAY JULY 13
John McCain isn't as intolerant as most Republicans, but he's still pretty wishy washy on gay rights issues, according to a story on gaywired.com. The story outlines how McCain has somewhat secretly voted for pro-gay agendas while acting like it's not up to him if dudes have sex with dudes and women do the same with each other. McCain has included sexual orientation in hate crime legislation but thinks gay members of the armed forces are an "intolerable risk." He opposes federal legislation outlawing job discrimination for gays but signed a 1994 agreement to not discriminate on Capitol Hill. Most experts consider his veiled support to be a common political practice in order to keep the support of intolerant voters, but rumors among the gay community suggest that after his first marriage McCain tried gay sex and thought it was gross so he got married to another woman.
MONDAY JULY 14
The Enquirer today took a break from recounting all the hilarious ways that poor people get arrested and rehashed a report on just how poorly the underprivileged are represented after being charged with crimes. A recent study by the National Legal Aid & Defender Association says that Hamilton County's representation of the poor is inadequate -- perhaps even unconstitutional -- probably due to a lack of state funding. The study says that 30 public defenders are handling the amount of misdemeanor cases that should be done by 74 and that public defenders are paid $8,000 to $10,000 less than prosecutors even though that's totally illegal. The study said even though it's fun to laugh when poor people get arrested on their birthdays they still deserve a fair trial just like celebrities and rich people.
TUESDAY JULY 15
The ACLU is defending a group of Amish men because Kentucky is trying to tread on their religious rights. State authorities have charged seven Amish dudes with disobeying state-mandated rules for driving a really slow vehicle on a public roadway, but the ACLU says that worldly possessions like flashing taillights are against the men's religion. The trial has been delayed until September so ACLU attorney William Sharp has time to convince Graves County prosecutors that Amish people aren't Arabic and deserve civil rights even though their beards are similar.
contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org