WEDNESDAY JULY 2
News out of Iran today suggests that leaders of the homosexual-free nation are either completely unafraid of the U.S. or complete and total smartasses worthy of intense bombardment. According to the AP, Iran Foreign Minister said the U.S. economy is too shitty and our soldiers are too busy in Iraq and Afghanistan for anyone to attack his nation -- and he said it even though Israel had full-scale war practice last month. President Bush responded in a strangely passive-aggressive tone, saying that America would rather use diplomatic solutions but that Iran should remember what Hulk Hogan did to the Iron Sheik in 1983 when they wouldn't let our hostages free.
THURSDAY JULY 3
In addition to rising unemployment rates, increasing discontent with Republican-supported policies in Washington and the fact that he's kind of a dick, Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell has a new reason to fear for his seat this fall: a Libertarian Native American former porn actor. The Kentucky Enquirer reported today that former Kentucky gubernatorial candidate -- and adult film actor -- Sonny Landham will run against McConnell and Democrat Bruce Lunsford if he can get the required 5,000 signatures by Aug. 12. The 67-year-old Landham says his experience on such action films as Predator and porn films as Slippery When Wet have given him the necessary experience to attack foreign nations with the ferocity of 1980s stereotypes while simultaneously jerking off Washington insiders.
FRIDAY JULY 4
After weeks of intense campaigning in barbecue-loving states across the U.S., a new AP/Yahoo! poll shows Barack Obama leading an important demographic: people who like to grill out. The poll determined that more Americans would prefer to have Obama over for a cookout than John McCain, with Obama winning the popular cookout vote, 52-45 percent. The two presidential nominees split the male choice for barbecue guest, and Obama holds an 11-point advantage among female grill-out hosts. Obama's lead is threatening to the McCain campaign, which spent a considerable amount of resources in cookout-voter swing states like Tennessee, Oklahoma and Georgia trying to convince voters that Obama is elitist because he uses a gas grill.
SATURDAY JULY 5
The 99th annual NAACP convention will be held in Cincinnati next weekend, but only because city leaders tried really, really hard to get it to come here. The Enquirer today reported the details of just how difficult it was for Cincinnati to win the convention -- which will generate up to $10 million from hotel stays, dinners and $4 cups of coffee -- and just how close it was to being held in Las Vegas instead. Vegas' offer of super-sized hotels, rampant prostitution and all-you-can-eat T-bone steaks had nearly secured the event, but Cincinnati's argument of swing-state relevance, a newly-renovated convention center and seven straight years without racial uprisings got the Queen City back in the mix.
SUNDAY JULY 6
Today's sorry economy has revived an aspect of life that most of us thought ended with the reading of the daily newspaper: People are using coupons again. The AP reported today that advancements in coupon technology have helped fuel a comeback of the once-ridiculed practice. Coupon blogs and Web sites, some of which can save consumers enough money to justify charging monthly fees for the service, have convinced consumers that saving 50 cents here and there is worth holding up grocery lines and buying products you don't really want. Stephanie Nelson, who runs a sexist Web site called "The Coupon Mom," says that one box of Lucky Charms is worth five pounds of bananas if you can get $1 off.
MONDAY JULY 7
Nicole Kidman had a baby today, and she and her Country music-singing husband Keith Urban named the little girl after the day before she was born. Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, born 6 pounds, 7 1/2 ounces, is the couple's first child and will live in Nashville with Kidman's other two children, who both have normal names. Tabloid magazines have speculated that naming children after common nouns and obscure literary figures has become popular in Hollywood ever since Tom Cruise named he and Katie Holmes' daughter "Suri." Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie's son, "Moses," earned the often-ridiculed couple a significant amount of SoCal cred, but Gwyneth Paltrow's androgynous child "Apple" is still a favorite among movie stars whose children will never face the ridicule of a public school playground.
TUESDAY JULY 8
The Enquirer today reported an interesting trend among local consumers: Rich people are cutting back their spending these days, and it's because they're not making much money from the people who aren't rich. Economists have declared the situation a rare instance of the trickle-down theory accidentally being flipped upside-down, causing poor people's lack of wealth to rise upward and into the lifestyles of the rich. Apparently local rich people are selling their second homes and Lincoln Navigators because the poors aren't buying enough stuff from them. The upside-down trickle-down model rarely occurs in the U.S. due to a well-regulated federal bank and rampant materialism, but economists fear that rising gas costs could change the model into a slippery socialist slope.
comments powered by Disqus