WEDNESDAY JUNE 25
The Supreme Court today finally put and end to the question of whether or not the Second Amendment is an inherent staple of democracy or an outdated symbol of poor people having power. It's the first one. The court's 5-4 decision overturned the District of Columbia's 32-year ban on handguns and marked the first time the high court has given an opinion on the longtime debate. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, "It is with great pleasure that we, the high court, settle this contemporary social and moral issue once and for all, guaranteeing the right of every man to protect his home and family and to hunt whatever he enjoys eating, so long as it is not an eagle."
THURSDAY JUNE 26
John McCain attended a party at the Indian Hill mansion of Carl Lindner III today, but it was hardly a gracious and supportive event. According to The Enquirer's analysis of easily-attainable public records, most of Cincinnati's biggest Republican donors gave maximum donations to other Republicans during the primary, and Lindner III actually supported the campaigns of both Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee before accepting the old ass Arizona senator as the Republican nominee. A spokesperson for McCain said the candidate isn't at all offended by the initial lack of support but that it was a little rude for the Lindners to ask him to show up dressed like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
FRIDAY JUNE 27
Mayor Mark Mallory stood up for democracy today by disowning Cincinnati's sister city in Zimbabwe because the government is forcing people to vote for the reelection of President Robert Mugabe even though he's the only candidate on the ballot.
Reports out of the not-so-free African nation have described gangs of government supporters busting people up if they aren't wearing a sticker that says, "I Made a Difference! I Voted Today!" The election was meant to enhance Mugabe's credibility, but since there was no other candidate it actually did the opposite, prompting Mallory to write a formal letter stating that Cincinnatians can't maintain a relationship with a country that uses violence rather than a two-party system to subvert democracy. Mugabe reportedly got angry and sent Mallory an e-mail that said, "You, Todd Portune and Greg Hartmann are bitches."
SATURDAY JUNE 28
The U.S. and European Union have finally agreed to terms that will allow the free trans-Atlantic exchange of private information like credit card purchases, travel histories and what Web sites people go to on the Internet. The New York Times reports that the agreement is important for the U.S. because the EU has been overly-protective of its citizens' rights to privacy even though 9/11 happened. U.S. counterterrorism officials believe the binding international agreement will help them protect America, though privacy advocates in Europe have expressed concern that the U.S. will figure out ways to make broad exceptions to the rules and try to torture people.
SUNDAY JUNE 29
A moral dilemma has developed in the sport of swimming due to the release of a crazy new swimsuit that defies the laws of physics. The Enquirer today described how Speedo's new LZR Racer swimsuit, a full-body racing swimsuit that streamlines the water a swimmer swims through in order to reduce drag, has helped set 38 world records this year. Now even companies that make their own swimsuits, like Nike, are letting their sponsored swimmers wear the good ones in the Olympics. The suit's $550 price worries some local high school coaches who fear that the cost will create a competitive divide in the sport and cause second-tier swim clubs like Mason to feel like West High when it plays Elder in football.
MONDAY JUNE 30
Barack Obama addressed one of the major issues of his presidential campaign today, explaining how he started wearing an American flag lapel so his patriotism will stop being challenged. Obama embraced the one-inch symbol of dedication to country during a speech in Independence, Mo., where he said he expects to never have his patriotism questioned again. Obama admitted that it was careless of him to ignore the significance of a shiny American flag pin and ensured supporters and undecided voters that he will keep extras in his suit jacket in case one breaks on the campaign trail. The decision was met with enthusiasm from Obama supporters, one of whom was reported to say, "McCain ain't got shit on us now that we gots flag pins. I'll stick that fucker in his eye."
TUESDAY JULY 1
What was once an honest debate over how to fund the construction of new bridges in Kentucky has turned into an ugly war of semantics between lawmakers. At issue are two specific nouns -- "toll" and "tax" -- each of which could accurately be used to describe a process of collecting money from the public for something the federal government is supposed to fund. The main difference between a "toll," generally understood to be a small fee for driving on a few miles of public roadway, and a "tax," which is a required payment of one's money to be wasted by the government, is that everyone hates taxes while only people who have to pay tolls hate them.
Contact Danny Cross: email@example.com