WEDNESDAY JUNE 18
Home City Ice is in big trouble -- perhaps $100 million of it -- after a federal investigation connected the locally based company to a price-fixing scheme involving three other frozen water sellers accused of dividing the U.S. into four ice-selling markets. According to The Enquirer, the investigation was brought on by a Wisconsin convenient store that couldn't figure out how to freeze and sell water as cheap as Home City, which crushes its ice into usable pieces and then bags it for consumers. After receiving the plea, the Justice Department's antitrust division said, "This type of conduct deprives consumers of the benefits of free and open competition and relegates the universal satisfaction known to be found in a cold soft drink to only those who can afford the bagged ice or make it on their own."
THURSDAY JUNE 19
The Ohio Corn Growers Association today reported good news for Ohio corn-farmers: 100 percent of the state's corn has been planted and 92 percent is already poking out of the ground. The OCGA says the outlook is good for corn growers in Ohio and Kentucky because flooding in the Iowa Corn Belt is expected to reduce the overall supply -- already spread thin by people using it for gas in their futuristic cars and feeding it to animals that don't usually eat it -- which will raise the corn's value. The downfall, according to industry analysts, is that if corn supplies get much lower we'll have to eat all the corn we grow in Ohio instead of feeding it to animals and eating them.
FRIDAY JUNE 20
Israel has refused to confirm, but also refused to deny, that the large-scale military operation it was practicing earlier this month was meant as a show of force to Iran. According to The New York Times, Israel flew and refueled dozens of fighter jets over a distance of 900 miles, which just so happens to be how far away Iran's Natanz nuclear enrichment facility is from Tel Aviv.
The maneuvers are largely viewed as a warning to Israel's homosexual-free enemies, who often say Israel doesn't exist and threaten to destroy it. A senior U.S. diplomat, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to his secret love for Israel and its nuclear presence in the Middle East, said if Israel doesn't bomb them over there then we'll have to bomb them over here.
SATURDAY JUNE 21
Scott McClellan continued his "Telling the Truth 2008 Tour" last week, ripping on President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for tricking him into telling lies all the time. According to the AP, the chubby-necked former press secretary, known for saying anything he was told during his tenure, said that Bush should explain what was really going on with the Valerie Plame thing and why he made McClellan say, "Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff at the time, was not involved in the leak." Sources inside the White House say the statement originally included the line, "Go fuck yourself, America," but Cheney made them take it out.
SUNDAY JUNE 22
Thousands of homosexuals spent the weekend participating in recently-legalized gay marriage ceremonies in California, and the AP described the depravity as, "couples trading vows under white trellises trimmed with red roses inside curtained cabanas in West Hollywood Park." The celebrations of happiness have reportedly been lucrative for local economies because the gay weddings include cakes, flowers and fancy clothing just like regular weddings. The monetary advantages of legalizing gay marriage have begun to sway some hard-line Republicans who believe that if allowing gays to get married will be profitable then it should be accepted just like black people in baseball.
MONDAY JUNE 23
John McCain has unveiled his latest idea for solving America's oil dependency: a $300 million taxpayer-funded prize for anyone who creates a really, really great car battery. Speaking to a group of people at Fresno State University about how much he wants to fix America's -- and the world's -- energy crisis and then win the presidency, McCain said it would be worth $1 from each American if someone would invent a battery that's, like, a million times better than current car-battery technology. The hypothetical super-battery, according to McCain, will allow the auto industry to progress as quickly as it would have if oil wasn't so profitable during the past half-decade. McCain was expected to be in Santa Barbara on Tuesday giving a speech on the benefits of a metal suit that could turn an ordinary man into a superhero and protect the U.S. from terrorism.
TUESDAY JUNE 24
City Council took a major step toward making Cincinnati a less yucky place to breath air last week when it signed off on a plan to "go green." According to The Enquirer, council passed the "Green Cincinnati Action Plan" with hopes of slowly reducing the city's "carbon footprint" until 2050. The plan includes specific methods for reducing energy usage, like getting new windows in City Hall and having Councilman Chris Bortz eat less red meat. The estimated cost of certain long-term plans, like "hybrid buses" and "trains," however, is expected to hinder the process until government officials can prove to voters that poor people will not benefit from clean air any more than rich people.
Contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org