WEDNESDAY JUNE 11
Cincinnati will soon have a new tallest building, and it is going to look tight as hell because architects designed the top to look like Princess Diana's tiara. According to The Enquirer, City Council voted 7-2 today to approve the financing for Western & Southern's construction of Queen City Square, with the two nay votes coming due to a technicality ensuring that the building's janitors get paid a fair wage. The 41-story structure will reach 86-feet higher than the Carew Tower, which says that unless it can secure funding for a 100-foot extension resembling a British soldier's furry hat it expects to lose many of its tenants and most of its charm.
THURSDAY JUNE 12
Administrators at an affluent San Diego high school last month tried out a new way of teaching kids that driving drunk is bad: making them believe their friends were dead. According to The Los Angeles Times, school administrators sent 20 highway patrol officers into classrooms to announce the fake deaths of several students, but the ensuing hysteria caused some teachers to admit that the students weren't actually dead. Guidance counselor Lori Tauber, who helped conceive the dramatic life lesson, defended the exercise, saying, "They were traumatized, but we wanted them to be traumatized." The local PTA chapter said it hadn't heard any complaints except from one kid who was actually driving drunk the night before but couldn't remember if he killed anyone.
FRIDAY JUNE 13
The Clermont County Public Library got itself sued last week when it decided it would rather no one use its meeting rooms than let a local couple give a financial lecture that includes Bible passages. According to The Enquirer, a Pierce Township couple just wanted to give a normal talk on managing one's finances and just happened to believe that the story of Job putting 10 percent of his earnings into a savings account was a good example of responsible savings. But due to the library's "no political, religious or social events" policy, the library decided to ban everyone from using the meeting rooms, which includes local Boy Scout troops and other nonprofit organizations who say the whole thing sucks because they already save all their money.
SATURDAY JUNE 14
Hundreds of Taliban militants busted out of a southern Afghanistan prison over the weekend and ran through the fertile countryside fields of Kandahar toward freedom. According to the AP, a group of attackers used a truck bomb and a human bomb to blow up the front and rear walls of the city's main prison, and hundreds of suspected insurgents disappeared into the nearby pomegranate and grape groves. The attack came just hours after Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted that surrounding a war prison with lush fruit and vegetables sends the wrong message to terrorists.
SUNDAY JUNE 15
Ty Pennington and his eclectic gang of interior designers will pay a visit to the Cincinnati area this summer to tape an episode of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The Enquirer reported today that scouts for the show have already picked out five downtrodden local families who need help but won't divulge which one will actually be helped until the taping of the show. ABC's publicist for the poor-people-help-out show said it needed to be a complete surprise when Pennington shows up and changes their lives with his patented wake-up call, "Good morning!" The show, entering its sixth season this fall, said helping people wouldn't be possible without support from ABC, Sears, Craftsman, Home Depot, Weber grills, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Ford Motor Company, God, Jesus and sadness.
MONDAY JUNE 16
The AP today described Gov. Ted Strickland's predicament over proposed mandatory sick day legislation that his supporters largely support but that he thinks might hurt the state's economy for a while. At issue is the cost of providing seven paid sick days per year for the 2.2 million Ohio workers who currently don't have them even though they get sick at times. Powerful Ohio unions -- many of which have supported Strickland in the past -- are backing the legislation, and Strickland hopes the unions and businesses will negotiate a compromise before workers start calling in sick just because they ate tomatoes.
TUESDAY JUNE 17
Noted Iran-fearer Steve Chabot took to the streets today in protest of a Planned Parenthood clinic moving two miles down the street from Glenway Avenue into a new building it purchased on Ferguson Road. According to The Enquirer, Chabot and a collection of churches and anti-abortion organizations met at the site of the future clinic today to start a petition to keep it from opening. At issue is the fact that the clinic will be so close to Western Hills High School, where pro-life groups say it will target children and minorities with sick shit like flavored condoms and understanding.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: email@example.com