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Another seven days of rising oil prices and sinking polar bears

By Danny Cross · June 11th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY JUNE 4
A day after all but securing the Democratic nomination for president, Barack Obama celebrated at a Minnesota rally by unveiling a youthful display of affection for his wife: the fist bump. Popular among young people and Rap music enthusiasts, the fist bump confused TV news stations but tickled the liberal media, which called it the "fist bump of hope." Analysts have largely praised the Obamas for being more real than the Clintons and Gores and went so far as to suggest that Barack pull John McCain in for a half-hug during pre-debate handshakes.

THURSDAY JUNE 5
With global oil prices rising like the tides near melting glaciers, India decided to raise the cost of fuel for its people by 10 percent last week. According to the BBC, the move was met with protests throughout the quickly-developing nation as opposition leaders (including Communists!) organized massive strikes Thursday, shutting down markets, public transit and airports. The unrest was met with harsh judgment by the U.S., which said that India's "strike culture" is unpatriotic and reflects poorly on Calcutta, which will be hurt if American cell phone companies stop building call centers there.

FRIDAY JUNE 6
A former UC professor has filed a lawsuit alleging that the College of Design, Architecture, Art, and Planning violated his free speech rights when administrators told him to stop coming around and talking shit about recent changes to the architecture program.

According to The Enquirer, UC officials told David Niland to only come to DAAP if he is specifically invited or they will be forced to escort him out of the crooked building. Niland has criticized UC's proposed changes to the architecture curriculum, arguing that it is important for UC's architects to go through six years of hell -- not just four -- in order for the program to stay at the top of national rankings. Supporters of the reduction say that three years' worth of co-op in Brooklyn and San Francisco is plenty of time to become pretentious enough to succeed in the field.

SATURDAY JUNE 7
Classic cowboy actor Clint Eastwood and noted social-issue activist Spike Lee have been involved in an ongoing shit-talking match since Lee accused Eastwood of neglecting the contributions of black people in his World War II film, Flags of Our Fathers. According to thecelebritycafe.com, a Web site that reports celebrity news so it can sell advertisements for zit creams, Eastwood has defended his movie and white history, saying that he didn't miss anything and that Lee should "shut his face." Lee then came back again, offering to assemble a group of African Americans who fought at Iwo Jima to prove that black people did help the war effort and said that if Eastwood even thinks about saying "Go ahead, make my day" he'll make a movie about Rock & Roll that doesn't include white people.

SUNDAY JUNE 8
In response to recent increases in cigarette taxes, many Ohioans have been ordering their smokes in bulk from other states, but when the Ohio Department of Taxation found out it said, "Oh, hell naw," and then sent out bills for anyone who purchased cigarettes from five specific vendors between July 2007 and March 2008. According to NBC4 TV in Columbus, the unpaid taxes amounted to $2.2 million, with the highest single bill coming to $2,700. In Ohio, smokers are taxed $1.25 per pack or $12.50 per carton, plus the 5.5 percent sales tax, which adds up to an even bigger annoyance than the health risks involved with the product.

MONDAY JUNE 9
A coalition of civic leaders and right-wing Christians held a press conference at City Hall today for the sole purpose of shaming CityBeat for accepting adult personal advertisements (see more on page 7). The often-criticizable public figures involved included Sheriff Simon Leis Jr., Police Chief Tom Streicher and the Rev. Charlie Winburn, who all signed a letter from Citizens for Community Values asking CityBeat to eliminate the "adult" section of its classified advertisements because they contribute more to prostitution in Cincinnati than the corner of McMicken and Elder streets. CityBeat is likely to refuse the request to protect the rights of adult entertainers and the second incomes of many of its staffers.

TUESDAY JUNE 10
A new wide-ranging energy plan proposed by Democrats is dead now because Senate Republicans killed it. According to ABC News, Democrats proposed the "Consumer-First Energy Act" to give the Attorney General the right to sue OPEC and force U.S. energy companies to invest in renewable energy, but Republicans wouldn't vote for it because they want to tell OPEC to fuck off and then drill for more oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Democrats would prefer that other countries dig up their own land but are having difficulty countering the Republican argument that all the polar bears are going to die soon anyway.


Contact Danny Cross: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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