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Another seven days of polluting, scooting and running out of ammo

By Danny Cross · June 4th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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  Swift Boats gone too far?
Swift Boats gone too far?



WEDNESDAY MAY 28
Former Press Secretary Scott McClellan last week released a new tell-all book about life inside the Bush Administration and the White House's only response was to say, "Scott, you changed, man." McClellan, perhaps the most credible of the millions of people currently disappointed with Bush, said in his memoir that the Iraq war was not necessary and that Bush and his comrades used a marketing strategy rather than their actual idealistic goals to gain support for the invasion. McClellan said he told the truth because it hurt his feelings when Bush blamed his poor approval ratings on McClellan's chubby neck and then hired attractive spokespersons to take his place.

THURSDAY MAY 29
The Brookings Institution has issued its nationwide carbon footprint rankings, and the map of worst U.S. cities shows a Sasquatch-like trail across the Midwest and into Appalachia. According to The Dayton Daily News, the Lexington-Fayette, Ky., area ranked first (worst) in per capita carbon footprint, the Cincinnati-Middletown region ranked third and the Dayton area 75th. The poor Midwestern results were largely due to the yucky coal we use to power our homes and businesses but were made worse by the heat and humidity that cause people in Mason to use their car's air conditioning every Friday night when they drive to Applebee's.

FRIDAY MAY 30
Spirited opposition is forming to New York Gov. David Paterson's request that state agencies recognize out-of-state gay marriages even though gay marriage is illegal in New York.

According to the AP, New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms, an ironically-titled anti-gay organization, has argued that providing benefits to gay couples will come at a high financial cost for New Yorkers and just isn't worth the happiness and acceptance it would bring them. NYCF leaders are reported to have already begun petitioning Paterson's office with signs that say, "We'll fight the powers that be just/don't pick our destiny 'cause/you don't know us, you don't belong." The governor's office said it will not comment on such blatant misuse of a once-anthemic Rock chorus.

SATURDAY MAY 31
With today's high gas prices, many people with the resources to do so are turning to scooters for a more efficient method of gas use. Scooters generally get 80-100 miles per gallon and have small gas tanks that hold just 1-2 gallons, according to The Cincinnati Enquirer. The low gasoline costs of scooter ownership have tickled new buyers, some of whom told The Enquirer that they normally drive pickup trucks and SUVs. "It's a blast, and it's saving me money," said Kathy Gallagher, a 54-year-old who likes to ride her retro scooter to the market. "I have a 4-Runner and it cost me $82 to fill it up. A couple of weeks ago, I filled up my scooter and it cost $4.92. I just love it." Industry analysts suggest that the scooter craze will continue until the invention of a machine that can move a person from place to place without using any gasoline at all.

SUNDAY JUNE 1
When we at WWE! saw The New York Daily News headline, "Admiral-to-be jumped ship to wed John McCain's mom," we hoped for a hilarious scandal, perhaps a young deck-mopper wooing John McCain's 96-year-old mom. Alas, it was not to be, as the story was actually about McCain's dad going AWOL for a couple days back in the early 20th century, marrying a young redhead and then failing a Navy fitness test for being "high strung and underweight," for which he blamed his new wife for not being able to cook. It is unclear whether the elder McCain's frailty and incompetence in the kitchen will affect the campaign of his son, who is already facing a tough campaign from the Swift Vets for Truth organization, which alleges that he is unfit to serve because he got caught in Vietnam.

MONDAY JUNE 2
The war in Iraq and sudden increases in demand for bullet-making metals have caused the cost of ammunition to rise sharply, and those who shoot stuff are growing increasingly concerned. According to The Richmond Times-Dispatch, a Virginia newspaper known for its market analysis of ammo and all-terrain vehicles, the cost of bullets has risen 70 percent during the past two years, largely due to needs in Iraq for killing people, needs in Virginia for killing animals and needs overseas for making new currencies that aren't based on the U.S. dollar. The combination of high gas prices and increased bullet demand has left many Virginia hunters with the decision of whether to drive their trucks into the wilderness and hunt with bows and arrows or to stay at home and shoot stray animals from the porch.

TUESDAY JUNE 3
For just 50 cents today (or free online!) you could have picked up a copy of Cincinnati's favorite Gannett-owned newspaper (sorry CinWeekly!) and read about how a local woman was arrested and charged with stealing $6,600 from the hair salon where she worked. But the hilarious sadness of the un-convicted woman's personal life is nothing compared to the first sentence of the story: "A hair stylist accused of cutting into the profits of her former employer was jailed today on a $1,500 bond." Enquirer reporters who continue to write so cleverly are expected to earn jobs writing for The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson or stay at Gannett for the rest of their lives.


Contact Danny Cross: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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