WEDNESDAY MAY 21
Hamilton County Sheriff's officers who have tattoos underneath their winter uniforms received some bad news today: Sheriff Simon Leis has banned visible tattoos on all uniformed officers. Leis says that tattoos are often associated with motorcycle clubs, which are the enemies of law enforcement in movies like Easy Rider. Any arm tattoos that protrude the shirt sleeve -- including tribal bands and intimidating animals -- must be covered by the long-sleeved Sheriff's uniform. The FOP Labor Council has opposed the rule, arguing that the heat from the sun during summer months is a health risk to people wearing long-sleeved black shirts.
THURSDAY MAY 22
Those of us who really hate pushing the number 1 to speak with an operator in English were happy to hear that there are new rules for government business: English Only! The Ohio House today passed a bill requiring that all government business be spoken and written in English, even though almost all government actions are already communicated and recorded in English. Proponents of the measure say it's meant to promote the similarities between Ohioans who speak English and those who don't by forcing people to learn English. The ACLU has officially opposed the measure, arguing that English-only policies are misguided, divisive and muy mal.
FRIDAY MAY 23
In response to frequent criticisms of his age and health, John McCain today released 1,173 pages of medical records detailing his three past bouts with cancer, a recent routine colonoscopy and a 10-minute workout that impressed a cardiologist. The AP actually reviewed all the records, determining that McCain is currently cancer-free, has a good heart and good but not optimal cholesterol. Every bout with cancer increases the chance of it recurring, says the AP, which noted that unlike millions of Americans the 71-year-old has great health insurance that will protect him from any future melanoma.
SATURDAY MAY 24
We at WWE! have often been put on "The List" by our fathers, who deem our idealism and tight T-shirts to be evidence of their own failures. But at least we're not like Israel, which was put on Iran and Syria's list of "common threats" that the scary Middle Eastern nations agreed in 2006 to help each other destroy if necessary. That's why we weren't surprised to learn today that after months of discourse described by the AP as, "discreet peace overtures alternated with belligerent rhetoric," the two nations have announced their ongoing peace negotiations. Israel and Syria have technically been in a state of war since the 1960s, when many of today's strict American fathers were stoned on weed and accidentally having children who would later mock them.
SUNDAY MAY 25
Days after Barack Obama lost the Kentucky Democratic primary by 35 points, campaign staffers across the state were like, "WTF, B?" The Enquirer reported today that many Obama supporters were frustrated that he actually showed up in Kentucky just three times, demonstrating a disinterest in the state that national politicians normally hide until after an election. "Our candidate was here once late in the campaign," said Obama volunteer Chuck Eilerman of Covington. "But I do think he will have much more of a presence here in the summer and fall." It's yet to be determined if the optimism of Obama's supporters is due to his inspiring life and hopeful rhetoric or if they don't realize that people in rural Kentucky don't like black people.
MONDAY MAY 26
All is not well in the bustling neighborhood of Hyde Park. Today's Enquirer reported a contentious dispute between a group of homeowners and a railroad company that cut down all the trees and honeysuckle bushes along some tracks that used to separate their backyards from nearby noisy streets. Some residents have actually accused the company of doing it to be dicks because it was cited last year for failing to clean up debris after pruning. A Northfolk Southern Corp. spokesman, lending credence to the accusation, said his company is the victim: "We really can't win. People complain when we don't cut the weeds. Then we do cut them, they complain about that." Residents say they haven't been this angry since people in Oakley started trying to say they really live in Hyde Park.
TUESDAY MAY 27
Six months after the mother of Kanye West died due to complications of lyposuction and other cosmetic surgeries, California lawmakers have introduced legislation that will better regulate the body-modifying industry. The Los Angeles Times today reported that Assemblywoman Wilmer Amina Carter (D-Rialto) has introduced a bill that would require anyone who wants a doctor to put a new face or boobs on them to at least be examined by a physician first. In addition, legislators are looking into how smart it is to allow these procedures to take place in outpatient facilities that aren't hospitals and don't know what to do if they lose someone's nose while their face is off.
Contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org