WEDNESDAY MAY 7
Certain San Diego State University students were a little too nonchalant in their illegal drug selling practices last semester, and federal authorities took 'em down for distributing the likes of pot, cocaine, Ecstasy and methamphetamine on and around campus. Federal agents, used to dealing with crafty and street smart poor people, described how surprised they were that some of America's brightest and most privileged young adults weren't smart enough to not sell coke to strangers. San Diego County prosecutor Damon Mosler told the AP: "All it took was saying, 'Hey, I go to State, can you hook me up?" Defense attorneys for the 75 students arrested disputed the notion that their clients were more careless than poor people, citing the Feds' hip terminology and ability to party as reasons for trusting them to be cool.
THURSDAY MAY 8
With President Bush's economic stimulation upon us, consumer analysts are predicting what Americans are going to do once we're stimulated. Researcher Ken Perkins says that some people (smart people) will use their stimulation to pay down debt and catch up on utility and food bills, while other people (dumb people) will buy clothes and other non-necessities. It's still unknown whether enough stimulated consumers will do the irresponsible thing and revive the economy, but the Federal Reserve reported yesterday that many people are doing their part by borrowing on credit cards and auto loans.
FRIDAY MAY 9
We at WWE! have gotten our asses kicked more times in Colerain Township than any other jurisdiction in southwestern Ohio. So it surprised us today to read on the Internet that a Colerain woman told Mayor Mark Mallory she hadn't been downtown in 17 years because of all the bodies piled in the streets. Mallory, who was in Colerain getting his car washed, says this is the kind of misperception that's keeping Cincinnati from transforming into the urban center it should have been in the 1940s. In response to such fears, Downtown Cincinnati Inc. is planning a $500,000 advertising campaign to convince suburbanites they'll be safe downtown and that there's plenty of parking.
SATURDAY MAY 10
Democrat Steve Driehaus was nice enough to let Caspar Oertli, a spoiled 18-year-old kid from Switzerland, intern for his campaign against the Iran-fearing Steve Chabot. Now Oertli is in Washington, D.C. working on a Republican's campaign and scoring good press because of his cute name and smart mouth. According to a local newspaper called The Hill, the little Swiss flip-flopper ripped on Cincinnati when asked about working on the Driehaus campaign. "In Cincinnati it was rare to get a salad," he said. "You can even do your vegetable greasy." When reached for comment, Driehaus said Oertli was a good kid but that he'll consider filing a nonbinding resolution for him to stop talking mass shit.
SUNDAY MAY 11
The Enquirer today reported on the not-so-dickish side of Sheriff Simon Leis Jr., describing his playful participation in a charity dance competition called "Dancing For the Stars" at Music Hall. The easily-offended 73-year-old performed a swing dance with professional dancer Bonita Brockert and then was promptly fake-arrested by Sheriff's deputies for "impersonating a dancer." Brockert, who won last year's competition with Hamilton County Coroner Dr. O'dell Owens, described Leis' dancing this way: "He holds his wife, and he moves from foot to foot," adding, "like a God-fearing heterosexual man should."
MONDAY MAY 12
A group of local bike enthusiasts known as the Cincinnati Bicycle/Pedestrian Advisory Committee wants to make Cincinnati more bike-friendly because we're sort of considered to be a terrible place in this regard. The committee says the League of American Bicyclists named Cincinnati one of only 11 "bicycle-unfriendly communities" two years ago based on stuff like how often people ride to work, general physical activity and air pollution deaths. The committee didn't directly compare Cincinnati to places like Denver or Portland, Ore., where drivers often waive and pull around bikers instead of honking and throwing Biggie-sized cokes at them, but said that only one percent of our population commutes by bicycle.
TUESDAY MAY 13
Local living man David L. Bingham went to visit his mother's grave recently and found another David L. Bingham buried in the grave next to her that had been reserved for him. According to The Enquirer, the wrongly-used grave was marked with "David L. Bingham Sr. Beloved son and father. Gone fishin'." The alive Bingham, who doesn't even fish, told the administration of Crown Hill Memorial Park about the mixup, and the cemetery offered to either move his mother, swap his dead body with the other David L. Bingham's or cremate him and sprinkle his ashes over his mom's grave. The alive man doesn't like any of the options because his mom loved her spot, he doesn't want his dead body in a used grave and he hates fire.
Contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org