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Another seven days of defending Lesbos, cutting KET and ripping on West Chester

By Danny Cross · May 7th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 30
First it was the rainbow, now it's the geographical designation of perfectly ambivalent island dwellers that's being threatened by the gays. The AP reported today that three residents of the Agean island of Lesbos, whose people are known regionally as Lesbians, have filed a grievance in Greek court against the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece for having an inaccurate and kind of redundant name. Dimitris Lambrou, a Lesbian plaintiff in the case, says the HLCG has usurped his geographical designation and makes his sister get weird looks when she tells people she's a Lesbian. HLCG attorneys said that's what happens when you name your homeland after the goddess of love between women, adding "Y'all gay."

THURSDAY MAY 1
The AP reported some good news and bad news about the economy today. First the good: Consumer spending was up in March despite the recession and wars. The bad news: Consumers spent more money only because everything costs more due to the recession. Economists expected food and gas prices to reduce Americans' consumption last month, but we, as a proud people, overcame the urge to cut back our spending for fear of the terrorists winning. This patriotic though somewhat irrational response has damaged economists' faith in the supply and demand theory, causing the emergence of a rare three-dimensional model of supply, demand and convenience that researchers had only read about in college.

FRIDAY MAY 2
We at WWE! have been waiting for the chance to rip on West Chester for months. Mocking those who live and play in boring suburban townships is why we're in this business, so when The Enquirer posted a story today titled, "Parties to redefine West Chester's image?" we rescheduled our anti-gentrification meeting, took two shots of wheat grass and started typing. But a strange thing happened: We didn't know where to start. Might West Chester be adding more chain restaurants? Cover band performances? Four-lane roads? The Enquirer story describes how township officials want make West Chester cooler to their young professionals, and, um, because they're super lame they, uh, made a plan called the 2025 Vision Plan that, um, includes entertainment and outdoor eating. Fuck!

SATURDAY MAY 3
The stuff going on in Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann's office sounds way cooler than what we do here at CityBeat. Today's Enquirer reported the ass-slapping details of this past year in Columbus, complete with sexual harassment, lying under oath and extramarital affairs. Four people who worked under Dann have already resigned amid the sex scandal, but Dann says he's going to keep his job. The situation has been compared to former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's recent ruining of his family's name because, like Dann, he was tough on crime even though he was allowing them to occur in his office at the same time. The only comparable recent incident at CityBeat was when Listings Editor Maija Zummo said she wouldn't hire any female interns who were taller or prettier than her.

SUNDAY MAY 4
It's not enough for Steve Kreuscher to just have "In God We Trust" on his money, birth certificate and license plate. He wants it to be his name, too. Kreuscher, a 57-year-old bus driver from the Chicago suburb of Zion, wants his likeness to be referred to by the phrase that's often helped him get through hard times. He told a small newspaper called the Arlington Heights Daily Herald that he's scared atheists will remove "In God We Trust" from U.S. currency just like they got rid of the phrase "God Reigns" from the Zion city seal in 1992, leaving the local citizens with no higher power to command them.

MONDAY MAY 5
An unfortunate combination of budget cuts and early retirement has landed Kentucky Educational Television in a bind. The Kentucky General Assembly today reduced KET's budget by $1.8 million, amounting to a 12 percent reduction, and a state program is expected to entice 25 to 30 employees to retire, but their salaries don't count toward the budget reduction. The result will be fewer local shows, more reruns and a significant reduction in salaries. O. Leonard Press, founder and first executive director of KET, said, "We're being cut by $1.8 million. How the fuck are we supposed to pay Big Bird?"

TUESDAY MAY 6
When we at WWE! need some cash before payday, we go to Checksmart, a wonderful business that loans us the money we haven't yet earned. But recently some elitists in Columbus have tried to regulate the payday lending industry by limiting loans to $500 and reducing the interest rate cap from 391 percent to 28 percent. But luckily, 2,500 people rallied at the Statehouse today in support of a business' right to purposely indebt an individual if he or she agrees to it. Checksmart Executive James Frauenberg said that many stores will go out of business due to the new regulations and that some people (like us) will turn to unfortunate alternatives such as stealing from work, borrowing money from families or canceling cable.


Contact Danny Cross: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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