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Another seven days of wasting food, ads for God and the ultimate sex deterrant

By Danny Cross · April 30th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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  Better than Kroger ads?
Better than Kroger ads?



WEDNESDAY APRIL 23
Wanna know how to save the Earth? Well, we at WWE! don't really think it's possible, but the latest report from the United Nations' World Food Program suggests that it's not by powering our cars with food. Josette Sheeran, executive director of the World Food Program, told CNN today that even though increasing costs of transporting food is one reason food prices are rising, using the food to fuel the cars is only making the problem worse. Sheeran said that people in other parts of the world are now fighting over food the way we fight over oil, and using corn to fuel our cars is a slap in the face to Mexican farmers who often drive motorcycles for better gas mileage.

THURSDAY APRIL 24
Fort Thomas resident Mary Ann Sandfoss is tired of seeing annoying advertisements along the freeway near her home, and she's going to do something about it. Sandfoss is leading a fundraising effort to replace ads on I-471 in Fort Thomas with Bible verses. "There is so much advertising for everything else, I feel we need more advertising for God," Sandfoss told The Community Press. Area residents think replacing ads for Kroger and Turfway Park with verses from Genesis and Deuteronomy is a great idea and say there's probably no more Christian-like way to spend $8,000. Sandfoss hopes to include local schools in the fundraising effort and allow them to choose their favorite verses to distract southbound motorists.

FRIDAY APRIL 25
Ohio is down one state representative today after Rep.

Matthew Barrett, a Democrat from a place called Amherst, resigned in disgrace Thursday. Back in October Barrett was giving a presentation to a high school government class in northern Ohio, and during the discussion of how a bill becomes a law Barrett accidentally inserted a memory stick labeled, "How a boob ends a career." A picture of a topless woman popped up on the screen, and Barrett blamed the naked lady download on his teenage son. This explanation lasted only until Wednesday, however, when Barrett admitted that he knows the woman and his son doesn't.

SATURDAY APRIL 26
Cincinnati Public Schools might be able to earn a highly-respected label next year because of Ohio's new way to judge teaching success -- by measuring how much kids learn. According to The Enquirer, the state will now recognize how much improvement students make instead of arbitrarily comparing their test scores. School Board Member Susan Cranley said that since CPS students have access to fewer resources than their future professional counterparts in the Fairfield and Three Rivers districts, their educational success will be more evident in their yearly progress. The possible designation of CPS as "effective" is expected to help the renaissance of Over-the-Rhine as more families will be interested in moving in and sending their kids to Taft.

SUNDAY APRIL 27
The politician-haters over at The New York Times published a report today suggesting that John McCain is either a hypocrite, a gold digger or both. The story details McCain's discounted use of a corporate jet belonging to a company his wife owns. But the thing is, McCain supported legislation last year to require presidential candidates to pay full price for classy luxuries like jets, but when his campaign was kind of broke it used his wife's vast richness to save some dough. This practice would not be allowed if the Federal Election Commission had passed the McCain-supported rules last December and could have been avoided by using Expedia.

MONDAY APRIL 28
A British newspaper today reported the comic stylings of President Bush at the annual White House correspondents dinner over the weekend. The insider celebration was the site two years ago of Stephen Colbert's classic mockery of the president and the media, but this year W took the mic and ripped on everyone else. Regarding the absence of the three presidential hopefuls, Bush said that Hillary Clinton was too busy dodging sniper fire, Barack Obama was at church and John McCain was probably just distancing himself from the president. He also suggested that Pamela Anderson being in the same room as Mitt Romney was a signal of impending apocalypse, which frightened many Americans who fear literal interpretations of the Bible.

TUESDAY APRIL 29
Even those of us who despise Cincinnati's conservative social dispositions, segregated communities and horribly-planned freeways are glad we don't live in Saudi Arabia. A governor of the giant Middle Eastern nation has ordered authorities to cut the hair of any dudes caught flirting with women, according to the AP. A branch of government called the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice has been ordered to patrol public places for any mingling of the sexes, flirting or otherwise harmless sexual harassment. Officers are reportedly armed with hair clippers, mirrors and early-'90s photos of Billy Ray Cyrus.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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