WEDNESDAY APRIL 16
Former fan-favorite Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has informed the media that Carson Palmer's name ain't Bennett and he ain't in it. Upon learning that Palmer thought Johnson would be present at the team's mandatory training camp, the loquacious Johnson opined that, "I wish he would stay out of my business" and that he doesn't intend to "report to anything." Johnson's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, is rumored to be planning a sequel to the bogus Lexus raffle held at the Funny Bone last year. If the Bengals don't get on their Ps and Qs, Johnson's next fake giveaway could reportedly involve hats and coats for needy children.
THURSDAY APRIL 17
Last week CNN International reporter Richard Quest ended his Thursday with a walk in the park, and the flamboyant, kooky British reporter's buzz was presumably harshed when he was arrested for loitering and possession of a controlled substance. After being stopped more than two hours after Central Park's closing time of 1 a.m., Quest reportedly told police: "I have meth in my pocket." It's unclear at this time if the affable journalist also informed the arresting officer that he had a rope tied around his neck that was knotted around his thang thang and a sex toy in his boot.
Suffice it to say they found out one way or another. Since the offender is white and on TV, Quest is expected to avoid jail time by completing drug counseling and therapy.
FRIDAY APRIL 18
Around 2 p.m. today -- an ideal time to head to the liquor store if you plan on a productive day -- a car crashed into the Cork 'N' Bottle liquor store in Covington. The misguided attempt at drive-thru customer service resulted in no injuries, and local news teams were too scared to show up at the scene and get any quotes. We at WWE! assume the post-crash exchange went something like this: Customer No. 1: "At least the Dale Jr. cardboard standup didn't get mussed." Customer No. 2: " Yeah. You can't catch no lightning bolt in a Mason jar!" Customer No. 1: " Skiddly doo!" Customer No. 2: "You know what I'd do if I hit that Powerball?"
SATURDAY APRIL 19
People who live in Elmwood Place and like cocaine and Papi's Mexican Restaurant are shit out of luck now that owner Ricardo Gastelum was caught violating the strict "No Delivery" policy while in the company of undercover cops and two kilos. Police estimate the value of the drugs to be around $200,000, which infuriated customers who thought some of that tax-free drug cream could have been used to better decorate the restaurant. Former customers now understand why their mouths occasionally went numb after trying the house salsa and why it cost $50 a cup.
SUNDAY APRIL 20
About 50 people at Kent State University learned last week that the best burritos in life aren't free after getting food poisoning at a Chipotle Mexican Grill. The majority of those sickened had received free burrito coupons after giving blood. Many participants who became ill probably would have preferred some free toilet paper and comic books instead. The illness took 26 hours to take effect and lasted for another 24. It remains to be seen if the blood given by the students has little burrito-shaped pathogens in it, but time will tell.
MONDAY APRIL 21
Rameco 64: It's not a shoddy video game system, it's what we at WWE! would have written as a totally killer headline had we been blessed with the opportunity to cover local good-guy Rameco Jackson's arrest today. Hours after being profiled as one of "Cincinnati's Most Wanted" on local news, Jackson was recognized by a clerk at the Hamilton County Courthouse, where he was appearing for an unrelated charge. That Bourne Identity bullshit doesn't work in Cincinnati -- hiding in plain sight, my ass! Jackson was taken into custody as he's wanted in connection with the stabbing and beating of a woman. He'd been arrested 63 times previously and probably plans to "keep it gully" in the future.
TUESDAY APRIL 22
Even Godless, sinner, unsaved Americans who were put off by Pope Benedict XVI's former membership in Hitler's Youth and "my bad, playa" reaction to widespread sexual abuse in the Catholic Church have learned a few things from his visit to our fair nation. One, if you can sell out the stadium where the Washington Nationals play, you've got one hell of a PR team. Two, religion aside, putting a bunch of Roman numerals next to your name is like the Super Bowl and a very savvy idea. Lastly, referring to the television series Touched by an Angel as Touched by an Uncle is way funnier to some people than others.
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