WEDNESDAY APRIL 9
Local goetta maker Daniel Glier took some of his German breakfast meat to the White House to give to President Bush today, and the president promptly asked him, "What's goetta?" According to The Enquirer, Glier was invited to thank Bush for investment incentives in the economic stimulus package that allowed Glier's Meats of Covington to purchase a machine that puts metal fasteners on the ends of its goetta tubes. Glier was going to try to get GW to try the pork/beef/whole grain delicacy, but security officials confiscated the goetta for security reasons after numerous people had tricked the president into eating gross stuff during his recent trip to the Middle East.
THURSDAY APRIL 10
Sheriff Simon Leis won't say anything about his aide's seemingly light charges for being wasted behind the wheel in a McDonald's drive-through last week, but the people of Hamilton County want answers. During a County Commission meeting last week, a woman suggested to Todd Portune that Maj. James Dattilo should perhaps have been charged with DUI instead of "being in control of a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol." Portune said it's kind of a weird situation because driving drunk on private property is different than driving drunk on public roadways. Another citizen wanted to know whether Dattilo was ordering coffee for the drunk drive home or trying to get a Big N' Tasty for a snack, but Portune said that doesn't really matter.
FRIDAY APRIL 11
Those of us who best describe our style of sexual intercourse as "efficient" received good news from the AP today: A new survey of sex therapists says it doesn't really take that long to satisfy a woman. The findings concluded that the ideal amount of time to spend doing it is between three and 13 minutes, not the marathon sessions that have been glorified by pornography. According to Eric Corty, a researcher at Penn State-Erie, people will probably relax when they learn that other people do it for just five and eight minutes at a time. Corty added that many men should expect apologies from women who after sex have groaned in disappointment or asked snide questions like "Are you serious?"
SATURDAY APRIL 12
After months of declaring that the U.S. isn't heading toward a recession, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke finally uttered the "R" word last week, causing many investors and homeowners to ask if he's F-ing serious. Bernanke had to admit that the "R" word was upon us after the RBC Cash Index, which measures consumer confidence, again hit an all-time low. With the economy suffering on all fronts, one analyst even suggested that the "D" word is already here: T.J. Marta, a fixed-income strategist at RBC Capital Markets, told the AP that it's like 1929 again minus the racial segregation and shitty cars.
SUNDAY APRIL 13
The latest news in "The Democratic Primary That Won't Freakin End" is the fallout from a rare campaign mistake by Barack Obama, whose well-documented respect for the intelligence of voters took a major hit last week when he said that sometimes voters who are frustrated about the economy "cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them." By saying publicly what the rest of us think privately about gun nuts, religious freaks and anti-immigrant jerks, Obama opened the door for criticism from Hillary Clinton and John McCain, who ripped him for being more elitist and out of touch than they are. Obama responded by calling Clinton "Annie Oakley" and McCain "the dude from Tombstone who couldn't stop sweating."
MONDAY APRIL 14
Representatives of Ohio's anti-smoking programs are trying to stop Gov. Ted Strickland from taking all their anti-smoking money and using it to create jobs in the state. According to The Enquirer, Ohio was part of a huge lawsuit that accused tobacco companies of tricking people into becoming addicted to nicotine, which 11 tobacco companies settled for $260 billion. Ohio used its $330 million share for anti-smoking programs for a while, but then Bob Taft took some to balance the budget. Now Strickland wants the rest to put toward a job development program. Anti-smoking groups say that once Ohio gets more jobs its workers are going to spend too much time smoking to be as productive as workers in other states and the money will be wasted.
TUESDAY APRIL 15
John McCain has a new idea for easing the burden of recession this summer vacation season: a "gas-tax holiday." McCain today proposed the temporary suspension of the 18.4 cent federal tax and 24.4 cent diesel tax from Memorial Day to Labor Day as part of his ongoing effort to make himself seem creative regarding the economy. McCain also described how a Democratic president will raise taxes by a trillion dollars during the next decade and then he made a hilarious play on the title of Barack Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope. "They're going to raise your taxes by thousands of dollars per year, and they have the audacity to hope you don't mind." Obama responded by saying that McCain's gas-tax holiday is just a gimmick like $1 hot dog nights at Dodger Stadium that trick fans into buying $6 sodas.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org