WEDNESDAY MARCH 26
President Bush called Chinese President Hu Jintao today and told him it's not cool that China has been beating up all those monk guys lately. According to Reuters, GW asked Hu Jintao to engage in "substantive dialogue" with the Dalai Lama and to please keep China's domination of Tibet off the front pages of international newspapers until after the Olympics. But China believes that the Dalai Lama is using his Buddhist teachings to ruin the 2008 games because he hates how all the swimmers shave their heads just for sport. China has assured Bush that newspapers won't get any more photos of the army whooping on peaceful protesters because foreign journalists have been banned from the country.
THURSDAY MARCH 27
A shortage of ambulances in Cincinnati has caused City Council to consider new ways to keep everyone safe without spending much more money. According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, a study two years ago determined that Cincinnati needs to increase its number of ambulances from 10 to 14, but the cost of hiring the additional firefighters would be more than $3 million. To save money, one council member suggested changing the current policy of giving anyone a ride to the hospital who wants one, even if the individual is just "kind of sick" or "sort of hurt." The previous study determined that if paramedics only respond to situations where people are "really, really scared" or "seriously F'd up," the city might even reduce its number of ambulances.
FRIDAY MARCH 28
A 19-year-old Western Hills High School student had his afternoon, weekend and foreseeable future ruined by a random police tazing Jan. 22, and the police officer who shocked his ass will have a hearing April 10 to determine whether his actions were due to standard incompetence or reckless malfeasance. According to The Enquirer, two officers responded to a holdup alarm in Western Hills and saw Chris Bauer Jr. casually walking across a nearby parking lot with his hands in his pockets and his head down. When he didn't respond to commands to stop, Officer Andrew Mitchell slowly drove over and tazed him from the car twice. Baurer, who fell down and chipped his tooth due to the electrical shock, was listening to his iPod and couldn't hear the command to stop. It turned out the report of a holdup was a false alarm and no suspects even needed to be tazed.
SATURDAY MARCH 29
British scientists have determined that the human nose can detect danger associated with smells. According to the BBC, researchers exposed volunteers to two different grassy odors that they couldn't differentiate, then added a mild electric shock while people smelled one of the odors. Afterward, the volunteers could tell the scientists which grassy smell they were afraid of. Researcher Dr. Wen Li, from Northwestern University, says it's an evolutionary device that "warns us that it's dangerous and we have to pay attention to it." Scientists have yet to determine why dogs cower away from a glass of chardonnay but will lap spilled beer off the dirtiest of floors.
SUNDAY MARCH 30
The Enquirer reported today that a Kentucky man has been held in the Overcrowded Hamilton County Justice Center on a $1 million bond because of a $21.64 theft from 1990. Gary Weaver, 41, was arrested Friday and charged with disorderly conduct for cutting himself with a razor following the recent deaths of his brother and mother, and Judge Richard Bernat sentenced him to time served for hurting himself. But an unpunished crime from 1990 involving the purchase of stuff from a Loveland store with dime rolls that were filled with pennies caused Judge Bernat to impose the seven-figure bond to keep Weaver in the Overcrowded Justice Center all weekend.
MONDAY MARCH 31
The Cincinnati USA Regional Tourism Network today unveiled a fresh new marketing slogan with hopes of capitalizing on the poor economy's effect on family vacationing. "Cincinnati: The Short Trip with Long Memories" is intended to draw visitors to the area from nearby states, says The Enquirer. Organizers believe the slogan is more clever and welcoming than campaigns in cities that for years have had trouble attracting visitors. Branson, Missouri's 2006 tourism campaign, "You Gots Nowhere Else to Go," was largely successful in keeping families in southwestern Missouri and northern Arkansas from driving all the way to Tulsa or St. Louis even when gas was cheap.
TUESDAY APRIL 1
In Philadelphia today Hillary Clinton likened herself to Rocky Balboa, comparing her political campaign to the boxing career of the nearly illiterate fictional character. According to the AP, Clinton said, "When it comes to finishing a fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up." Witnesses accepted the metaphor on the grounds that Rocky lost his first title fight to Apollo Creed, only to defeat the smooth-talking fighter in the rematch. But when Clinton expanded the role-playing to include John McCain as Clubber Lang, played by Mr. T in the movies, many people laughed at her.
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