WEDNESDAY MARCH 5
Scientists flooded the Grand Canyon today to simulate the natural flows of water that once replenished its complex ecosystems. According to the AP, Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne pulled a lever releasing more than 300,000 gallons of water per second out of the Glen Canyon Dam to demonstrate how easily humans control the magnificent canyon's fate. Four fish species have already gone extinct because without natural flooding the water has become cool and clear instead of warm and muddy. Kempthorne reportedly laughed loudly and wildly, declaring that soon there will be nowhere for the endangered humpback chub to live in peace.
THURSDAY MARCH 6
Reporters for The Cincinnati Enquirer laughed it up in a Hamilton County courtroom today when a judge made fun of a poor person for getting arrested. A story appeared on The Enquirer's Web site titled "Cops: His laundry 'weapon' wasn't Tide," the headline a hilarious play on the fact that 19-year-old Robert Ennis was arrested in Clifton Heights at his pregnant girlfriend's uncle's house, where he said he was trying to do laundry. Police charged Ennis with aggravated armed robbery for allegedly carrying a gun and kicking in a door. Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen mocked the unconvicted man by saying, "What, 'We're going to do laundry or else?' " The Enquirer reported that Allen's comedy drew laughter from the court audience and nearly a standing ovation.
FRIDAY MARCH 7
One of Barack Obama's campaign aides resigned today after a newspaper reported that she called Hillary Clinton a monster. According to the BBC, Samantha Power, who had been advising Obama on foreign policy, said, "She is a monster, too -- that is off the record -- she is stooping to anything." The statement caused many political historians to recall an incident during the 1948 presidential campaign when Harry Truman referred to Thomas Dewey's mustache as a "flavor saver," inciting a fierce and competitive series of disparaging radio advertisements. But unlike this year's Democratic campaigns, which have repeatedly congratulated themselves for not running negative ads, the mustache comment amused voters in rural areas, helping Truman to an upset victory.
SATURDAY MARCH 8
The latest numbers from the RBC Cash Index, a unit of measurement that represents how often Americans can go out and buy whatever they want, indicate that Americans are in a "gloomy mood," according to the AP. March's 33.1 score is the worst mark since the index began in 2002, and with unemployment expected to rise another half percentage point this year experts fear that Americans could feel "considerably bummed" by August and "totally depressed" by the holiday season. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said he'll continue lowering interest rates until America is happy or someone buys his Malibu beach house.
SUNDAY MARCH 9
President Bush vetoed a bill today that would have officially banned simulated drowning and other not-so-cool interrogation techniques. According to the AP, the bill would have limited the CIA to the 19 interrogation techniques described in the Army Field Manual, but Bush said that if it were not for fake-drowning and the other "ill shit" the CIA does to suspected terrorists al Qaida would have already attacked America again. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reminded the White House of the time the Democrats voted against military funding just to prove a point and said they're not afraid to take a similar measure on torture. Bush told her to do what she gotta do and then went to his room and ate some hot dogs.
MONDAY MARCH 10
Reuters reported today that U.S. Marines have taken a cult-like following to martial artist/bad actor Chuck Norris for his repeated visits to Iraq and his invincible image. The story describes a shrine at a military hub in Baghdad, complete with Norris "facts" such as "Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas." While many Marines said they appreciate Norris' Christian and political values, Reuters reported that others think his manliness is "an antidote to the preening and moisturized metrosexual male." Cincinnati-based Jergens has now taken up the fight against emo dudes by refusing to sell moisturizing products to men who use the word "fierce."
TUESDAY MARCH 11
Smoking-in-public supporters lost their latest bid to overturn Ohio's smoking ban when a Hamilton County Common Pleas court ruled that voting on and banning smoking in public is not unconstitutional. According to The Enquirer, Judge Fred Nelson said, "A law may be thought ill-advised, paternalistic and generally obnoxious and still not be unconstitutional," and then he mumbled something about the Buckeye Liquor Permit Holders' lawsuit being similarly annoying. The BLPH hasn't decided whether it will appeal the decision but said it's really not fair that registered voters get to make all the important decisions in Ohio.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org