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Another seven days of defending English, honoring dead bodies and assaulting the uncool

By Danny Cross · February 20th, 2008 · Worst Week Ever!
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  You ain't cool
You ain't cool



WEDNESDAY FEB. 13
Ohio State Rep. Bob Mecklenborg (R-Green Township) has decided to take a stand for every Ohioan who's annoyed with how often we have to read sentences in other languages. According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, Mecklenborg introduced a bill to the Ohio House Tuesday requiring that all government entities use only English on forms such as driver's license tests and tax forms. Mecklenborg said he doesn't mean to infringe on the individual's right to choose what language one uses for personal communication and that he'll allow conflicting federal laws to overrule his new rules. Local Hispanic leaders have countered that the legislation could lead to discrimination and that it's not their fault that automated operators always make you push the number 1 to hear English.

THURSDAY FEB. 14
We at WWE! would like to take a moment to appreciate the fact that we don't live in Saudi Arabia. The gigantic Middle Eastern nation has sentenced a woman to death for the thought-to-be-defunct crime of witchcraft. An organization called Human Rights Watch (HRW) has appealed to Saudi King Abdullah to overturn the ruling, according to the BBC, because it's based on a confession the alleged witch fingerprinted because she's illiterate. Her conviction was based on testimony from people who said she cast spells on them, including one man who claims she made him impotent.

HRW has argued that the alleged victim drinks too much vodka and Red Bull, which has adverse affects on sexual performance.

FRIDAY FEB. 15
People who play a lot of Nintendo Wii could soon be suffering physical ailments from the repeated motions of the virtual gaming system, according to a story in The Louisville Courier-Journal. Some sports orthopedic doctors are saying that the simulated sports activities allow an individual to hit way more tennis balls in an hour than would be possible if he or she were really doing it. The repeated motion puts abnormal stress on certain joints -- especially the shoulders and elbows of adults -- and could result in depression and self-hatred should surgery be necessary to correct the injury.

SATURDAY FEB. 16
Local dead-body protesters were re-energized by Friday night's 20/20 expose on Bodies ... The Exhibition at the Cincinnati Museum Center, according to reporting done by The Enquirer. The news show speculated that some of the bodies could have been former political prisoners of communist China and that dead bodies are apparently worth up to $300 there. The American protesters fear that with China's currency dominating the U.S. dollar in international markets a deadly flow of black-market art exhibits could threaten many Chinese lives.

SUNDAY FEB. 17
After months of waiting for Kentucky to unveil its exciting new casino plan, an Ohio organization is trying to keep the Bluegrass state from only F-ing southwestern Ohio in the B when it builds two casinos in Northern Kentucky. A group called MyOhioNow will open an office in Tri-County Mall today, according to WCPO-TV (Channel 9), with hopes of gathering support for a casino to be built in a currently unmarketable space about 20 miles north of Kings Island. While the Clinton casino probably wouldn't draw many Hamilton County residents away from the Northern Kentucky casinos, it would be an irresistible destination for Butler County residents -- the Ohio demographic most likely to bet on something that odds say they'll lose.

MONDAY FEB. 18
Hillary Clinton's camp accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech from his friend last week, and The New York Times reported today that Obama called the attack "absurd and desperate." Some of Obama's words during a Democratic dinner speech in Wisconsin were similar to those his friend and colleague, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, used during a 2006 campaign. Obama shot back, saying that Hillary had actually been using some of his sweet catch phrases like "It's time to turn the page" and "Fired up and ready to go." The Clinton campaign pointed out that they took those lines from Bob Seger's 1972 song "Turn the Page" and that there will be major repercussions if Obama tries to use the line "You can feel the eyes upon you as you're shaking off the cold."

TUESDAY FEB. 19
A local woman who was cool in high school has been arrested for assaulting a person who she alleges wasn't cool in high school, according to The Enquirer. Twenty-one-year-old Rebekah Haire was hanging out in a bar in Reading when she recognized a former high school nerd and said, according to the alleged victim, "I know you from high school. You ain't cool." After confirming that the alleged nerd still wasn't cool, Haire attacked her and then dented a car in the parking lot before also assaulting a male police officer and being taken to jail. Authorities are expected to investigate old yearbook photos before deciding whether to prosecute.


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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