WEDNESDAY, JAN. 2
It was announced today that volunteers and social service personnel will scour the state of Kentucky for homeless people Jan. 24 to determine how much federal funding the state gets for its supportive housing and care programs. This year's homeless person survey has been shortened so the searchers can spend less time asking background questions and more time racking up their homeless counts. Search parties will be formally trained in the latest homeless fashions and general homeless demeanor in order to properly distinguish the homeless from UK Wildcat fans.
THURSDAY, JAN. 3
We at WWE! have been prosecuted by state authorities on a couple of occasions, but we've never been sued by them. That can't be said for the U.S. government after California sued it today for stopping the state from protecting the environment. The feds recently blocked California legislation that would have required automakers to cut vehicle emissions more drastically than President Bush says is necessary, but Calif. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger argued that it's important for Californians to lower their emissions more than the rest of the country so they don't feel guilty about sitting in traffic all day to purchase avocados and vitamin water.
FRIDAY, JAN. 4
Boy, do Ford automobiles really suck. It's finally caught up to them, too, as Toyota overtook Ford as the nation's No. 2 automaker last year, marking one of the biggest failures ever by Ford to keep up with the very slowly changing times.
Toyota ditched its crappiest car, the Tercel, in 1999, but Ford never followed suit, continuing to remake the Taurus into four-year-old versions of the Toyota Camry until it was too late. Analysts suggest that if General Motors, the nation´s leading auto seller, doesn't stop making such atrocities as the Chevy Cobalt, the Saturn VUE and all Buick models that Toyota will be No. 1 in the U.S. by the end of the decade.
SATURDAY, JAN. 5
Cincinnati Police Chief Tom Streicher has a lot of power (he's in charge of the police), so when his aunt died last month he decided to show everyone how important she (he) was (is). Streicher assigned 10 police officers and a bunch of horses and motorcycles to his aunt's visitation and funeral. After The Enquirer used its awesome journalism power to request public records, Streicher wrote a check for $1,767.48 from a personal account for "funeral services." It's believed that Streicher wanted the publicity for his aunt (himself) and also to show everyone how large his checking account is.
SUNDAY, JAN. 6
The fine folks of New Richmond are sick and tired of kids rolling around the streets, practicing their "extreme" moves on public property. The Clermont County village has imposed stricter penalties for kids who repeatedly skateboard or rollerblade around town. New Richmond police now have the authority to confiscate skateboards and rollerblades right off the feet of anyone rolling, hopping or sliding around the village. New Richmond actually offers a public skate park, but some kids prefer to do their monkey grabs on more urban terrain.
MONDAY, JAN. 7
The Islamic Republic of Iran started some passive aggressive shit with U.S. Navy ships last week, as reported by the AP today. Three U.S. Navy ships were simply cruising around in some international waters trying to check out the Persian Gulf's oil shipping route when five speedy shit-talking Iranian boats threatened to blow them up. The Navy was just about to fire on the hoodlums when the Iranians broke into two groups and then just laughed and drove away. Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammed Ali Hosseini said it was no big deal and that his boys were just messing around.
TUESDAY, JAN. 8
Hillary Clinton made a couple of protesters look like dicks last week when two men showed up at one of her final rallies holding signs that said "Iron My Shirt!" The pair of witty patriots also yelled the slogan, but Clinton just laughed and said, "If there's anyone left in the auditorium who wants to learn how to iron a shirt, I'll talk about that." It was unclear if the last-minute addition to her platform would affect New Hampshire voters today, but she expected to pick up voters in the South because they often misunderstand sarcasm.
Contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org