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Worst Week Ever!: April 30-May 6

By isaac Thorn · April 30th, 2014 · Worst Week Ever!
voiceswwe_smitherman_ck"Tell us who killed that guy. You'll be fine."

Legalize Gay Marriage ’Cuz Stone Cold Said So

These are interesting days in which we live. The world will end soon, but in the meantime a professional wrestler who rose to fame for drinking beers (like a real American would do) in the ring and saying his name and then “said so” a lot has a podcast that people tune into to hear his opinions on wrestling, gay marriage and presumably other stuff as well. A few months ago, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin articulated a more logical stance on gay marriage than most of our elected officials have mustered thus far. Because people in the media only make jokes about wrestling, they only became aware of Austin’s gem of a rant this week. In it, the wrestler proves that cursing helps you make points expertly and more forcefully. Speaking about things relating to chapping his ass, Austin said, “What also chaps my ass, some of these churches have the high horse that they get on and say, ‘We as a church do not believe in that.’ Which one of these motherfuckers talked to God, and God said that same-sex marriage was a no-can-do?” The man has an excellent point, and we at WWE! are looking forward to hearing more sage points of wisdom from Stone Cold, chiefly among them how to deal with your adult friends who still watch and talk about wrestling.

Smitherman Plan to Increase Tattling Not Accepted So Well by Citizens Afraid of Violent People

Neighborhood activists have called for City Councilman Christopher Smitherman’s ouster as a committee chairman in light of comments he recently made accusing black people of not doing enough to stop violence. Somehow in the cadre of hard-to-like local politicians we ended up with because nobody fucking voted last year, Smitherman has a powerful ally in Mayor John Cranley. Cranley gave the idea of booting Smitherman a thumbs down a la Commodus in Gladiator, telling The Enquirer that Smitherman has “put a renewed focus on the community monitors, restarted the call-ins and added police overtime. The entire community has embraced these action steps.” This came as quite a surprise to most Cincinnatians, who only associate Smitherman with being pissed off at people and pissing other people off and thinking that he can do so for the next 50 years without anyone being able to cite anything he has done that has bettered or united the city in any way.

John Boehner: Tough as Nails or Crying, Whichever Works Best

John Boehner is one of the nationally known Ohioans who we all wish was from another state so we could make fun of them for electing him.

He’s the kind of politician that plays more rounds of golf in a year than most people do in a decade, yet somehow acts like he’s some blue collar hero who understands what is best for everyone because he is the heartbeat of America. In reality, he mocks and belittles those who disagree with him and always frames himself within any argument as the John Wayne type who wasn’t scared of anyone and didn’t take any crap from ’em either. Boehner recently mocked a fellow Republican congressman for not being tough on immigration, saying, “Here’s the attitude. Ohhhh. Don’t make me do this. Ohhhh. This is too hard.” Boehner also added that, “We get elected to solve problems and it’s remarkable to me how many of my colleagues just don’t want to ... They’ll take the path of least resistance. ... I’ve had every brick and bat and arrow shot at me over this issue just because I wanted to deal with it.” People who don’t think being a rich white guy with strong views on immigration makes you a hero have noted that shooting bricks and bats at people is an ineffective tactic but one which Boehner and the rest of the military industrial complex should work on developing for billions of dollars to keep fighting wars no one wants us to be in.

Sarah Palin Still Saying Stupid Things Just to Smaller Audiences

Every time you read the news or hear something that makes you think America is in a downward spiral that will end with most people across this once great land scavenging to survive, just think of what would have happened if John McCain and Sarah Palin would have won that election (we would have had the dumbest vice president in our nation’s history). Palin’s latest idiotic remark that people outside of Alaska heard about came at an NRA rally in Indianapolis. She stated that if she had won any elections since quitting as governor and was in charge that the world would understand that “waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.” If Palin ever gets elected to do anything other than rile up idiots at gun shows, it is possible that she can also explain how, in addition to “terrorists,” hundreds of Muslims sold into U.S. custody by tribal warlords can also come to Jesus through simulated drowning exercises in Guantanamo Bay.

Los Angeles Clippers Transform From Lovable Losers to Symbol of Corrupt Power Structure

For many, many years the Los Angeles Clippers were a shitty NBA team that nobody cared about. Eventually, they got better and even popular. Propelled by superstars Chris Paul and Blake Griffin, the team started getting primetime TV matchups and a lot more respect throughout the league. That’s all gone by the wayside in light of taped remarks allegedly made by team owner Donald Sterling detailing what kind of people his mistress should bring to their games at the Staples Center. Sterling is a bona fide racist who once had to pay millions in a lawsuit because he preferred not to rent to black people and owned a ton of property in L.A. Now that Sterling’s plantation owner-themed remarks have sparked cries for boycotts and his ouster from the NBA, he is seemingly out of options. While some cheer for Sterling’s demise as a sign that our society is truly becoming intolerant of racism, others are less certain of what to do, including NBA analysts who note that while Sterling said lots of racist things, he did hire Vinny Del Negro as head coach just a few years ago.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



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