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Worst Week Ever!: April 2-8

By Isaac Thorn · April 9th, 2014 · Worst Week Ever!
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Percenters of all Kinds Could Clash at GOP “Convention ’n Coneys 2016”

It used to be that Cincinnati would throw our hats in the ring to be considered for a national or regional event that would bring a ton of money to us, and organizers would just laugh. But these days our combination of sports, locally produced beer, music and awesome neighborhoods are well respected in the national eye, and the Queen City actually stands a chance at landing marquee national events. Take, for example, the 2016 Republican National Convention, which Cincinnati is competing to host against Cleveland, Dallas, Las Vegas, Denver and Kansas City, Mo. Local business leaders made their pitch to Republican National Committee leaders last month in Washington. The final choice won’t be made until at least mid-summer, and in the meantime young people from Anderson Township and Madeira who use their Facebook feeds as their primary source of news will develop plans to descend on the convention wearing Guy Fawkes masks made in sweatshops if it does indeed come to Cincinnati. The protesters want to let everyone know that they support the gay weed agenda and think all Republicans are assholes, even though they’re no longer sure that any form of pop art can make President Obama’s spying ass look cool any longer. Republican pundits are nonplussed by the protesters’ plans, noting that by 2016 people will be so fed up with all politicians that they’ll stop caring about their stances on women’s rights, drone strike spree deaths of civilians, or whatever.

Redskins Reporter Highlights Importance of Respecting Diversity in Workplace

To paraphrase Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, there is still something very messed up in this country when the white owner of the Indianapolis Colts gets pulled over with more prescription drugs than a pharmacy and $29,000 in cash on him and everyone is like, “Oh, let’s get him the help he needs,” but a black player gets booted from his team for hanging out with gang members and the media treats the guy like he’s a convicted murderer.

The rumor that DeSean Jackson, the ultra-talented wide receiver released by the Philadelphia Eagles last week, would sign with the Washington Redskins caused Redskins Radio host Chris Russell to inform listeners that he would quit his job if the Redskins signed the un-convicted man. Jackson indeed signed with Washington, and the racially based furor and threats to quit his radio job disappeared. Russell explained that he’ll keep his job and make a bunch of 40-year-old white guy jokes about how the Redskins colors are gang colors and that he’ll be cool with Jackson as long as he doesn’t disrespect Native Americans the way the team’s helmet does. 

New ‘Gawker’ Editor Quickly Finds Way to Sound Like Pretentious Scarf Wearer

According to journalism industry news organization Poynter.org, Gawker’s new editor is intent on keeping journalism on the Internet from descending into a maddening sea of ROFLs, LOLs and IDGAFs. “We want to sound like regular adult human beings, not Buzzfeed writers or Reddit commenters,” new Gawker Editor Max Read reportedly wrote in a memo to the publication’s writers. Words like “epic,” “pwn” and “derp” are no longer welcome on the site. Read also says the word “massive” is “never to appear on the website Gawker dot com.” Longtime fans of the site shouldn’t fret, however. It doesn’t mean they are changing everything. The Gawker family of news sites promises to keep portraying non-coastal states as Idiocracy-like intellectual boneyards where everyone has sex with their relatives. Gawker also promised to cling steadfastly to its belief that while many of the most annoying people this great nation has ever produced came from New York City and other large coastal cities, they are 10 times cooler than anything in flyover country.

Tea Party Still Pissed Off About Stuff; No One Cares

The Tea Party is still looking for its first non-white and angry member, but hardly anyone pays any attention to them anymore. That’s what happens when you’re led by blowhards who are short on content and long on opinions that make people think they still associate long hair with communism and a black president with the antichrist. To show how far down the rabbit hole of lunacy and the “things were better before the races started mixing” ideology that so many of its members barely conceal, the National Tea Party Leadership Fund Political Action Committee has started waging a fight to unseat House Speaker John Boehner as congressman of Ohio’s 8th District. Boehner used to be someone the Tea Party looked up to, but for reasons that no one cares about they all think he’s like an Obama these days. Concerned by the fact that nobody gives the time of day about the Tea Party anymore, party members admit that although they don’t want to start pronouncing the House Speaker’s last name as “Boner” they are running out of options and things to be unjustifiably angry about.

Minimum Wage Hike Threatens to Give Fast Food Workers Small Amount of Dignity

An editorial on Cincinnati.com last week made great cases for raising minimum wage at least enough that one hour of a fast food worker’s toil is enough to afford them any of the artery-clogging value meals on the menu. The flip side of the coin is that America can’t afford to raise minimum wage too high because the people who have bought mansions with moats and lake properties where they spend time with their soulless children don’t want anyone else to have a path to prosperity rather than basic sustenance and cheap beer and drugs here and there. The opposing forces in this equation are presently considering a compromise in which wages will be raised so that people can actually accrue a bit of savings, but not raise it so high that rich people will no longer be able to point and make snide remarks to their kids about why they must go to school to avoid working at said fast food job.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com



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