North Carolina School Treads on Brony Rights
Bullies can be such a predictable bunch, always going after nerdy kids and people who are quiet or can’t run very fast (although, word to the wise — some dorks know karate). Administrators in a North Carolina middle school last week tried to step in and help a kid they determined to be an obvious mark for bullies just because he wore a My Little Pony backpack — complete with little ears poking off the top — which they consider to be a “trigger for bullying.” Although the kid was, in fact, “punched” and “pushed down” over the accessory, school officials underestimated the power of the “Bronies” — a name for the large number of male fans of the My Little Pony TV show — and thousands came to his defense once the Internet reported what happened. A member of the U.S. Navy even chimed in with support for the kid, though Huffington Post chose not to report whether the officer was an official Brony for fear of what kind of hilarious shit his drill sergeant would say about it if he found out.
Mitch McConnell Bans Reporter for Doing Reporter Stuff
Few people are surprised when Mitch McConnell acts like a huge prick or turns his head in a way that makes him look like a turtle (in his high school photo he looks as confused and scared as one of the little baby turtles that gets left way up on the beach by its mom and has to crawl all the way back into the water before a dog eats it). The Kentucky Senator known for considering to use Ashley Judd’s struggles with depression against her and for referring to part of his campaign as “the Whac-A-Mole period” last week kicked a Louisville reporter out of a press conference for being such a liberal bastard that he asks questions McConnell doesn’t like answering. McConnell, who thinks free speech is awesome when it involves companies spending lots of money on campaign contributions, ended up drawing more attention to his media-dodging ways, which most people thought couldn’t get more embarrassing than the time he tried to climb over a chain-link fence in a parking lot because some kid pointed a camera phone at him.
Local Republicans Think the Streetcar Can Help Them Now
It’s safe to assume that local Republican officials are good at what they do, considering they get elected a lot and Cincinnati’s daily newspaper prints all the contradictory things they pretend to believe in without using LOLZ in headlines.
And even though such treatment would probably boost The Enquirer’s web traffic (young people think it’s funnier than using big-boob photos on the covers of photo slideshows, which just makes editors seem like pervs), the Hamilton County GOP sometimes gets caught with a figurative “kick me” sign above its khaki-wearing buttocks. This week’s version took the form of a formal pitch to attract the Republican National Convention to Cincinnati by touting a public transportation project the party spent the past five years saying will be the downfall of our already teetering society. Hamilton County Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou says he sees the irony in Republicans trying to benefit off the streetcar but noted that the project is actually going to happen so he thought it would be cool to say something nice about it in case people end up liking it.
Robot Created to Make Journalists Feel Even Shittier About Career Path
Journalists are generally a humble bunch,
prone to being a fly on the wall rather than one of the jokers in
power they’re forced to write about on a regular basis. But reporters
often have a dark side that comes out
once they get hired to be the mayor’s spokesperson after a hectic deadline shift, gossiping about industry news
and all the people who lied to them on any given week. If you’ve ever
been around a journalist during such an exercise, then you’ve probably
1) bought a round (the truth ain’t free, man!) 2) witnessed how mad they
can get about little things like commas and 3) can guess how the
industry is responding to recent reports of a robot that can report
breaking news (“Man, fuck a robot.”). A Los Angeles Times
journalist/programmer has created an algorithm that puts credible
information into a pre-written article template after something
reportable like an earthquake or crime occurs, with human editors then
determining which ones deserve more reporting. The programmer says
“robo-journalists” are intended to be supplemental and not eliminate
human jobs, though he admitted that most newspapers would benefit if
their reporters would make half an attempt to write something that
doesn’t sound as boring as the robot briefs.
Gov. Kasich’s Sarcasm Lost on Local Governments Still Screwed by His Cuts
Ohio Gov. John Kasich ain’t no dummy — he accurately describes people in California as “whackadoodles” and does legit impersonations of people with Parkinson’s Disease. But even such a classy track record wasn’t enough to keep him from taking heat for coming through Cincinnati last week and scoffing at the notion that cutting local government funding actually hurt communities across Ohio struggling to pay for police, firefighters and other pretty important services. Kasich said his cuts only amounted to 3 to 5 percent of local government budgets and then dramatically said the word “wow” as if he did not feel astonishment or admiration at all. Kasich also downplayed the effects of eliminating Ohio’s estate tax by using an expletive in a similarly unexpected manner.
Fred Phelps Died and a Bunch of People Pretended They’re Not Psyched
Noted homophobe Fred Phelps died last week after a lifetime of literally hating people who are different than himself. In response to what could be the end of Westboro Baptist Church’s “God Hates Fags” signs and purposely disrespectful responses to military deaths, many organizations avoided the natural human instinct to say something like, “Good, fuck that guy,” instead offering sincere condolences probably only possible because most people don’t believe Phelps is burning in hell like his followers think all gay people will when they die. One group even purchased a home across the street from Phelps’ church and painted it rainbow colored to remind parishioners that people will be gay long after they all shuffle off this mortal coil mumbling quietly about something they’re mad about.
CONTACT DANNY CROSS: firstname.lastname@example.org