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Worst Week Ever!: Jan. 1-7

By Danny Cross · January 8th, 2014 · Worst Week Ever!
jesus riding dinosaur

Bill Nye Vs. Crazy Guy

There are plenty of good reasons to visit the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky. — maybe you like animatronic dinosaurs (most people do) or your home-schooled kid is acting like a real dick in class and needs to take a field trip. Whatever the case, you can strike Feb. 4 off the calendar of non-secular places to take your super bored kid or boring relatives because that’s when Bill Nye The Science Guy is set to visit this bastion of illogic for a debate on evolution with founder Ken Ham. The event is expected to attract considerable attention from those interested in seeing a well-known scientist argue with someone who thinks science isn’t real and that the creator of the universe looks like Santa Claus with big muscles. 

Chris Finney Is So Embarrassing His Law Firm Is Over Him

One of the good things about America is that people who act like dicks for long enough often end up so disliked that others can’t make money off them anymore — just look at what happened to the Duck Dynasty guy for saying what most people in this country thought 60 years ago (before a generation of conservatives died and their grandkids elected Barack Obama). Something like that happened last week when the law firm that formerly included noted COAST lawyer/anti-gay rights activist Chris Finney took his name off the door in an attempt to get back to being associated with normal lawyers rather than hypocritical anti-tax advocates. Finney, who The Business Courier in November caught seeking tax credits for his own business in Anderson Township right after blasting the city of Cincinnati for offering some to keep Pure Romance in town, declined to comment on being booted out of the firm but those close to him say he prefers his new spot in Anderson because there’s no chance a streetcar will ever make it out that far during his lifetime and there’s a legit Chinese restaurant just outside his office park. 

Bengals Season Ends with Shitty Punter on Roster

We at WWE! are familiar with being dismissed for our forward-thinking views — for years we’ve been offering to run political campaigns under a “higher taxes/bigger government” platform, and the only response that ever comes back is “ROFL, y’all cray” and it pisses us off for being so informal.

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe says his current search for work is going similarly because back in 2012 he spoke out in support of same-sex marriage, receiving considerable media attention for doing so while being part of a group of dudes who call each other gay a lot. Kluwe says Vikings coaches told him to stop saying that kind of stuff and then drafted a different person to do the easiest job on the whole football team even after he stopped. Kluwe believes his view on same-sex marriage is the reason he has yet to receive another job punting for an NFL team, and organizations like the Bengals have proven that some teams definitely would rather sign a guy who punts the ball out of bounds over someone who might make other players think about the world in a different way. 

Kroger Comes Correct with Beer, Snacks

Many people view technology as some type of scary affront to our freedoms, every “terms of service” agreement more intrusive and risky than the next. But for every box you have to uncheck to keep Visa from selling your social security number to someone who hates you, a big company also tries to use the information it mines to make things work better. Kroger last week used its vast archive of everyone’s shopping habits for good when it added “beer and snacks” to its snow-and-football-weekend bulk order (Kroger knows what Cincinnatians do during football Sundays and most of the time we spend indoors). The resulting rush to stock up for Sunday’s Bengals game and Monday’s snowstorm resulted in record sales at Kroger and enough booze and salty snacks for everyone to continue drinking well into the week. Such decisions are credited for Kroger’s 40 percent market share in the region, more than twice that of Walmart, which only stocked extra champagne thinking the Bengals were actually going to win their playoff game.  

Smitherman Calls on Police to Make It Look Like People Don’t Sell Drugs

If a tree falls in the ghetto but it doesn’t hit anything worth redeveloping, does it really matter? That’s the narrative City Councilman Christopher Smitherman used last week when he told Police Chief Jeffrey Blackwell that he doesn’t want to see people selling drugs anymore and that CPD has his full support to remove drug dealers even though it won’t actually stop drug trafficking and liberals will wonder where they all went. The discussion took place during City Council’s Law and Safety committee meeting, which is chaired by the Smitherman rather than former policeman Wendell Young thanks to John Cranley, and included details on Blackwell’s proposed “God squad” of clergy that plans on forcing drug dealers off corners at night by scaring the crap out of them by wearing freaky robes and hoods. 

T-Mobile CEO Likes Rap, Doesn’t Like AT&T

Professional rivalries have been around since before the Industrial Revolution — just imagine the types of battles competing blacksmiths probably had with those hammers and super hot pokers. Today’s techy version likely involves way less hand-to-hand combat since those involved are business executives who have probably never been in a fight in their lives but nonetheless gets heated, especially those between rival cell phone carriers. According to Bloomberg Technology, representatives of AT&T tossed T-Mobile CEO John Legere out of a trade show party the company was hosting because he’s been talking mass shit on Twitter. Legere says he was just there to see rapper Macklemore perform and that he’s willing to squash the beef now that AT&T commercials started including little kids who probably don’t even have a data plan yet.   



CONTACT DANNY CROSS: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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