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Fifty Types of People Who Don't Like Mass Transit

By Mike Breen, Danny Cross, Jac Kern and Maija Zummo · December 18th, 2013 · We, As Humans
todo_scubasantaScuba Santa - Photo: Newport Aquarium

Famous Atlanta Braves baseball player John Rocker once summed up many Americans’ problems with public transportation in what will surely go down as one of the more straightforward and concise sexist/racist/homophobic rants of our generation. 

Responding to the question of whether or not he would ever consider playing for the New York Yankees, the Georgia native in 1999 told Sports Illustrated, “I’d retire first. It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing. ... The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. I’m not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”

Cincinnatians have their own reasons for fighting so hard against this city’s latest attempt to set the groundwork for 21st century transportation infrastructure, some of which simply substitute black people for the collection of foreigners that so badly irked Rocker in his rebuttal against mass transit and the diversity, social equality and progress to which it contributes. 

But humans are complicated, and the world is changing so fast these days. Progressives need to understand that there are many more reasons that some Cincinnatians hold steadfastly against investment in public transportation, especially when so many of our highways need to be widened and repaved because they are the only useful mode of transportation available to most people because we don’t have trains. 

Is it unreasonable to ask Cincinnati to solve this chicken-or-egg conundrum just because dozens of other cities did so decades and even centuries ago? 

That’s for Mayor Cranley to decide.  

The Cincinnati streetcar has suffered from a lack of support from many different types of people. Here are 50 of them. 

1. People who have never been to a real city 

2. Ladies who hate saggy pants

3. Ex-Catholics who thought everyone was talking about transportation to mass

4. The lady who thought the socialist government would take away her Medicaid if Barack Obama got elected 

5.

Colonials with horses

6. People wearing Skechers Shape-Ups unironically

7. Pizza-delivery men (gotta have your own car)

8. Rich dudes who have drivers and town cars (tiniest busses)

9. People who refuse to listen to Jose Canseco (polar bears are dying; RIP Al Gore)

10. Women with expensive pantsuits who don’t want to sit on shared, sticky spaces

11. Futuristic thinkers who believe we should hold out because the jetpack revolution is just around the corner

12. Children with their own Power Wheels

13. Evening news anchors and sports figures who don’t feel talking

14. Scuba Santa (travels by seahorse sleigh)

15. Steampunks convinced the money would be better spent on an antique locomotive 

16. Fifteen-year-olds who find the whole concept of public transit (and most other things in the world) “gay”

17. Mitt Romney

18. Wizards 

19. Girls who really just don’t feel like getting hit on right now

20. People who listen to Michael Bublé year-round

21. Charlotte from Sex and the City

22. Amish farmers

23. People who need to get to the mall

24. Time travelers (TARDIS > streetcar)

25. People with a fear of having to pee at inappropriate times

26. The lady who does PR for the oil, pavement or salty snack lobby

27. The guy who has a black friend and is still kind of racist

28. The lady who thinks all “brown” people on public transportation are terrorists

29. People who don’t believe in global warming

30. Ron Swanson

31. Girl Scouts (they’ve been selling cookies on foot for years and are doing just fine, thank you very much)

32. People who don’t believe in global warming

33. People who wear white button-up shirts with blue jeans in family photos after 1995

34. rocery shoppers with frozen groceries

35. Hypochondriacs 

36. People with IBS

37. Blue Ivy “birthers”

38. Mommy bloggers

39. People who find Shepard Smith attractive

40. The guy who actually uses mass transit and hates it for no reason

41. People who don’t want to pay for firefighters because they never use them

42. Anyone who’s read Chicken Soup for the Scrapbooker’s Soul

43. People who are “spiritual, but not really religious”

44. Anyone who allowed “The Macarena” to be played at their wedding

45. Vanilla Ice

46. Amish farmers

47. People who don’t want to lose their “There no place to park! It’s too hard to get around” excuse for never leaving the suburbs to come downtown 

48. Interior designers who just find the orange color scheme too tacky 

49. Old timey cowboys who are convinced that a streetcar will lead to a rise in mustachioed villains tying damsels in distress to the tracks

50. Most people’s parents

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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